Author Archives: Stan

by | July 22, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Top Tips for the perfect summer BBQ

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Put some bang into your bangers

Put some bang into your bangers

I was invited to a BBQ recently. The text specified that I should bring my own food, drink, something to sit on etc. Rather than being invited to a party, it seemed that I had to bring my own party with me. In fact, I had to take everything other than a roll of turf to sit on.

A special barbeque doesn’t happen by accident. Hosting the perfect barbeque carries serious responsibilities. Here are my top tips on how to put on the BBQ that everyone will relish.

Food
If you’re expecting me to give you some poncy recipe with Maldivian pesto and pomegranate seeks then you’re going to be disappointed. My message is keep it simple. Any shortcomings in the quality of the food you provide can be covered up by ensuring that the booze keeps flowing. Continue reading →

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by | July 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

TV coup as ex-President Morsi appears on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories

Save your kisses for me!

Save your kisses for me!

The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.

Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading →

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by | June 21, 2013 · 11:30 am

Snobby villagers welcome new unaffordable housing development

The "Downton"

The “Downton”

Developers plans for  ‘an exclusive estate of executive homes’ received a warm welcome from villagers at a public meeting yesterday, provided that the prices of the new homes were prohibitively high enough to deter ordinary people from moving to Harold.

At a public meeting attended by the self-appointed great and the good of the village, chaired by Councillor Ron Ronsson, villagers expressed their delight that the homes, which start with an unreasonable price tag of £849,999, will attract the “right sort of people” to the village making their dream of a Harold branch of Waitrose come a little closer to reality. Continue reading →

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by | June 18, 2013 · 8:54 am

Talking Heads’ ‘Road to Nowhere’ found in village

Stairway to heaven?

Stairway to heaven?

In a desperate attempt to boost local tourism, the village of Harold has decided to institute a Rock ’n’ Roll Trail by renaming several local features after classic music tracks.

The idea after a planning committee met to consider a name for a path which leads out of the village with no apparent destination. “It’s very old,” said committee chairman, Eileen Remnant, 76, “but no one has a clue where it used to go to. It just fizzles out at the top of a slope.”

“When I joked that it was a road to nowhere, Councillor Cummerbund pointed out that this was title of a hit by a pop group apparently called The Talking Heads. Then the idea of naming other village places after popular songs and groups grew.”

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by | June 14, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Gardener creates winning Royal Show topiary from wife’s pubic hair

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.

Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”

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by | June 13, 2013 · 7:00 am

Bond girl launches Cajazzle – cute jewellery for cats

A L M O S T   A N   A D V E R T I S I N G   F E A T U R E

Meow!

Cool for cats

Has your moggy become bit of a doggy? Well, you can improve her image by buying her something from Cajazzle, the luxury jewellery range that is guaranteed to take the bag out of your cat.

If you’ve ever thought that your pussy should be better dressed when going out in the evening then Cajazzle has just the thing for you and your feline. Devised by former Bond girl and cat lover, Emilie Bourdain, there is something for all varieties from ginger to tortoiseshell. Continue reading →

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by | June 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Gove to replace GCSE exams with Cowell inspired X-Levels

Amanda will bite your arse!

Amanda will bite your arse!

A leaked Government paper has revealed that Education Secretary, Michael Gove, is planning to shake up the examination system with the introduction of new X Levels, based upon the talent show The X Factor.

“We need to get kids to buy into the examination system,” said a leading Tory strategist, “and we’re willing to take tough decisions by calling Simon Cowell in to make this work. After all, we transformed the High Street by consulting with Mary Portas.” Continue reading →

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by | June 4, 2013 · 11:00 am

Family slammed for not organising charity event following grandfather’s death

MarathonWhen Doris Kettle’s brother, Ken, died at the age of 78 in January, his sister naturally expected his family to pay tribute to him in the usual manner by taking part in some futile project in his memory. But so far, says a disappointed Doris, nothing has happened.

“I think it’s appalling,’ said the Grandmother of six. “We had the funeral, the wake and then, of course, the memorial service and since then, nothing. The London Marathon came and went and none of the lazy buggers even bothered to take part in that. Not one of them has even had their head shaved. I can’t help thinking that Ken died in vain.” Continue reading →

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by | May 30, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Rail Company to introduce ‘Fart Class’ carriages

GuffsThe Greater Anglia rail franchise has announced plans to reserve a carriage for passengers who are unable to control their intestinal gas emissions.

A spokesman for the railway company,  who hope to eventually power trains from recycled emissions, explained the thinking behind the designation of a new flatulence carriage, for those already being dubbed ‘Fart Class’ passengers.

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by | May 22, 2013 · 3:36 pm

Dry cappuccino or cup of foam?

Food & Drink with Miles Anour 

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?

Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.

So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order  from a customer.

“Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”

I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself?  Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading →

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by | May 19, 2013 · 11:30 am

What’s wrong with white wine

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Miles puts in some serious research

Miles puts in some serious research

People often ask me “Miles, what have you got against white wine drinkers?”

Once I’ve picked myself up from the floor, not from the shock of the question, but usually because I’ve usually been researching fairly strenuously for several hours, I reply that I’ve nothing against the bastards personally, it’s just that the narrow minded Philistines are missing out on so much good drinking. Continue reading →

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by | May 16, 2013 · 12:17 pm

Dambusters in-flight catering was superior to budget airlines

Food and Drink with Miles Anour

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

Dambusters plane disposes of empty barrel of 1943 claret

There’s a lot being written about the 70th anniversary of the Dambusters wartime air raid. There is no doubting that the men who carried out this mission were heroically brave, but the prospect of near certain death was compensated for a little by the high standard of in-flight catering in those days. I mean, compared to EasyJet or similar frightful flight providers.

For a start, refreshments and meals would have been included. I’ll bet the crew didn’t have to pay their in-flight butler extra for a measly coffee, peanuts or a Mars bar. And I know for a fact that they started stuffing their faces from the moment the pilot called out ‘chocs away’. I’ve seen the old films.

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by | May 9, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale

Won't muddy his boots for HTFC

Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that  the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading →

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by | May 6, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Dementia sufferer charged for wasting police time then tagged

HappyPensioneer

Not as daft as she looks?

An elderly lady has been charged with wasting police time after she apparently became disorientated on a routine shopping trip.

Police were called out after Elsie Duggan, 86, became lost on her way back from a visit to the Tesco Express after appearing confused at the checkout. After a search, she was found sitting on a bench near the war memorial.

“It is true that we have charged an elderly woman with wasting police time,” said PC Anita Flegg defending police actions. “Were supposed to do exciting things like driving fast patrol cars and chasing international villains – not spend our time looking for lost cats or rescuing senile pensioners from trees. Do you know how much it costs to call out a police helicopter these days?”

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by | May 3, 2013 · 7:00 am

Records smashed ‘in a bad way’ as local election turnout hits an all-time low

Polling_Station_2008Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.

At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”

Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2013 · 12:30 pm

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading →

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by | April 27, 2013 · 9:00 am

Police action delayed by failure to agree on catchy name for the operation

brainstormRed faced police chiefs have admitted that a major crime investigation was held up for months due to their failure to agree a suitable code name for the operation.

Speaking at a press conference following publication of an Independent Police Complaints Commission report condemning the ineptitude of the Eastern Counties Police Force, Chief Constable Paul Kingsley admitted that there had been more focus on image than on tracking down the illegal migrant worker crime ring that the task team was intended to pursue.

Defending his actions, Kingsley was anxious to stress that the police were not institutionally publicist and explained that it was important to find a code name for an operation. Continue reading →

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by | April 23, 2013 · 8:00 am

Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
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by | April 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Woof, woof!

Woof, woof!

The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.

Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,

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by | April 14, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Weekly News Round Up: Football Club introduces video technology in changing rooms

cam

Harold Thursday Football Club has confirmed that a pilot scheme using the latest video technology had gone well and could go ahead on a permanent basis. When asked if this would mean the end of goal line disputes, club chairman Billy McKean said “Hell no, we’ve installed it in the Ladies changing rooms. It’s been quite an eye opener, I can tell you.”

Congratulations to Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, who has won their longest beard competition. Elsie, 86, who has not shaved since she was 28, regards winning the competition as the fulfilment of a lifetime’s work. She is now aiming for the coveted double by winning the prize for the biggest bunion when it comes up for grabs. Continue reading →

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