Author Archives: Stan

Sanctions on Himmler and Goebbels fail to deter Hitler from occupation of Poland

putDespite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”

The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.

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Filed under International News, Politics

Global warming blamed for unseasonably early appearance of caravans

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Will the world end with a Sprite Deluxe Tourer?

Despite intensive storms, coastal erosion and record flooding, the average British citizen had been ambivalent to the threat of climate change until last weekend.

However, the full horror of global warming has come closer to home after scientists confirmed that the weekend’s early clogging of Britain’s road network by caravans was ‘almost certainly due’ to the effects of global warming. Continue reading

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Filed under environment, News, science

Noise free hybrid anteaters? Our guide to the new F1 season

Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater

Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater

A new Formula 1 season starts this week end with massive (or should that be Massa?) changes to the cars’ specifications. Here is our print out and keep guide:

Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport

Death of Tony …… Benn (not Blair) everyone’s favourite member of the loony left

"Guess what you're going to be today .."

“Guess what you’re going to be today ..”

Tony Benn, whose death has just been announced, started life as a member of the aristocracy and ended it a commoner.  In this regard he was the exact opposite of Kate Middleton.

After founding the Monster Raving Loony Party under the pseudonym of Screaming Lord Sutch, he renounced his peerage, moved further to the left and become a member of Harold Wilson’s Labour Government of the 1960’s. As Postmaster General he was responsible for ensuring enough gum was applied to postage stamps and having the Post Office Tower built entirely of Lego bricks.

A noted original political thinker and great orator, he made frequent appearances on shows such as Question Time well into his eighties. “Everyone listened when Tony spoke” said David Dimbleby, paying tribute. “Of course, it was total bollocks, but everyone listened.” Continue reading

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Fears for health of Pope Francis raises real possibility of Benedict’s resurrection

Back from the dead?

Back from the dead?

Concerns were expressed last night for the health of Pope Francis after he was seen struggling for breath during an Ash Wednesday mass at St Peter’s Basilica.

The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.

Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.

Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Religion

Mad Pistorius tries to turn murder trial into Oscar Ceremony

oscarFears were expressed for the mental health of athlete Oscar Pistorius, after he bounded into his trial kissed the guard on both cheeks and launched into an acceptance speech thanking “the producers, my parents and, of course, my wonderful girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, without who none of this would have been possible.”

Medical experts believe that Pistorius, the self-styled Blade Runner, may be suffering from a condition known as Oscar Fever which leaves victims believing they are starring in a movie and events of everyday real life are a screenplay they are acting out. It is a common affliction in places such as Hollywood. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Showbusiness

Romanian TV’s ‘Escape to the Country’ participants always choose England

escapeThere was a further blow to PM David Cameron’s pledges on immigration yesterday when it was revealed that the Romanian version of pensioners’ favourite, ‘Escape to the Country’, consistently promotes the England as the best country for economic refugees seeking a fresh start.

The show, which has become a cult classic at the GCHQ reconnaissance centre, follows a similar format to the British version but instead of looking at homes, prospective emigrant couples are shown around three countries, two meeting their exact specifications and then a mystery country which is a little different and always turns out to be England.

In the programme we watched, Natalia and Ovidiu Demestrescu from Bucharest told a Romanian Aled Jones that they were looking for a European country with character, period features and good social services to accommodate the six children they were planning. They had a budget of zero to play with.
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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

The evidence! Ten damning facts about Harriet Harman’s dark past

HHMore startling evidence has emerged of Harriet Harman’s links to the notorious Paedophile Information Exchange. After several minutes’ investigation, the Evening Harold has come up with ten facts that the Deputy Labour Leader will struggle to deny.

1. Harriet Harman lives in London which is full of paedophiles. She is bound to have walked past one in the street or worse sat next to one on public transport. Try denying that one!

2. Harriet Harman is an MP and they are all dodgy in one way or another.

3. Even more damning, she represents Peckham in Parliament. We all know Peckham is a full of criminals. You only have to watch old episodes of “Only Fools and Horses” for evidence.

4. Harriet Harman has been linked to PIEs since a steak and kidney one baked by her grandmother in 1954. Continue reading

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National Trust buys wrecked old garden shed for £2m

shedThe National Trust has confirmed that it has reached its fundraising target to purchase a shed in want of “loving restoration” in the back garden of 33 Jubilee Rise, Harold.

In their press release, the National Trust describes the shed as:

“This magnificently modest horticultural facility, with parts dating back to the Texas Homecare period, was founded by Ronald Thompson in 1978. Internal enhancements were carried out by his successor, Neil Banks in 2003 who added the uniquely styled uneven shelving and richly faded chintz curtains heavily influenced by his wife Maureen in 2006.”

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Filed under Culture, News

Princess Anne calls for village gingerbread houses to feed the poor

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

A grateful peasant salivates over his new home

The Princess Royal has weighed into the planning row by calling for new village homes to be made from gingerbread so struggling villagers can always have something to eat.

Her Royal Highness said she was concerned that the migration of village populations to towns and cities would destroy traditional feudal values leaving servantless. “It’s vital that we plan for the future,” she insisted at a planning symposium organised by her big brother Charles. “At current rates, it is entirely possible that there won’t be enough peasants to skivvy in one’s country estate within five years.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Royals

Ministers hold flood meeting with insurers

FloodsFlood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but  this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:

“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”

“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading

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Filed under floods, News, Politics

West Country still under hosepipe ban! 5 Amazing Flood Facts

Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?

Could we really be back to scenes like this by Easter?

Amazing but true! Here is a round up of the latest flood news: 

Hosepipe Ban Despite floods covering vast swathes of the West Country and now, the Thames Valley, it has emerged that a hosepipe ban is still in force in some areas. In confirming the news, a spokesperson for South West Water from the Isle of Taunton, said “We usually gauge the need for maintaining a ban by checking the reservoirs; however, the reservoirs have mysteriously disappeared so we have to remain cautious, otherwise everyone will be whingeing about a drought by Easter. We don’t know what happened to the reservoirs but we suspect looting.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Weather

Global warming is forcing polar bears to drive buses in Scotland

Polar Bear bus driverDriven by the threat of the melting Arctic ice cap, beleaguered polar bears are being forced to abandon their natural habitat and adapt to new environments.

Many of the highly intelligent creatures have migrated to North America where, after a quick makeover, they are integrating into the native Brown and Grizzly Bear population. Others, as they head south, are finding themselves on the shores of Scotland where they are quickly settling into local communities.

The bears seem to have been able to slip into the country with little difficulty. “Poles, polar bears, and Romanians. They’re all the same as far as I’m concerned,” said one immigration official. “If they’re white, hairy and speak unintelligibly, they have to be allowed in.” Continue reading

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Filed under environment, Nature, News

Syria peace talks breakthrough – both sides agree Blair can sod off

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.

Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.

UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading

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Newlywed sues vicar because it wasn’t explained that her wedding would result in marriage

bride and bridegroom

“Till Marriage Us Do Part”

When blushing bride, Chantel Meth-Davies, arrived at a tranquil country church for her wedding with David Brooke, she had no idea that less than an hour later she would be married, according to an extraordinary law suit launched today.

“No one said I would be married by the end of the service,” said Ms Meth-Davies, 25, who refuses to use her married name. “I just wanted a nice wedding with flowers, my friends and a party to celebrate my relationship with Dave, not marriage.”

“When we visited the vicar to book the church, she never once mentioned that I would end up married,” Chantel complained. “She ran on and on about Holy Matrimony and all that when we first visited her, but I just assumed that the usual load of religious mumbo jumbo that they go in for.” Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Religion

Hayley will come a cropper – Corri chiefs rule out Downton-like cure for soap star

"A reprieve?? ............ oh!"

“Hurrah, a reprieve!” ………………………… “oh!”

Despite an intense campaign from viewers, ITV executives have confirmed that Coronation Street’s Hayley Cropper, currently suffering from terminal cancer and the centre of an assisted suicide storyline will not be given an eleventh hour reprieve.

The news will come as a bitter blow to devoted fans who had hoped that the popular character might receive a miracle cure, similar to that of Downton Abbey’s Matthew Crawley, who staggeringly not only regained the use of his legs after a WWI shell blast, but also had a genital transplant enabling him to father an heir to the Downton millions. Continue reading

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Filed under Entertainment, Health, News

Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, .... Baldrick?

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?

Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.

The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.

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Today is Red Friday – the day you’re most likely to murder your boss

Bosses Beware

It could be you …

This Friday has been branded by experts as “Red Friday”, as it is statistically the day in the year when your boss is most likely to be murdered by a disgruntled subordinate.

“The Friday of the first working week of the New Year, is well known as a dangerous time for managers,” confirmed Inspector Damion Briggs of the Metropolitan Police’s Bossicide Squad. “We recommend that anyone in a supervisory role considers the necessity of visiting the workplace today. Working from home this Friday may very well save your life.”
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Filed under Crime, News

BBC implicated in Ronnie Biggs ‘apparent death’ publicity scam

Biggs - pictured shortly after his 'death'

Biggs – pictured shortly after his ‘death’

The authenticity of the news of the death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been surrounded by mystery since the announcement of his demise so neatly ties in with the BBC mini-series screening of a drama about the ‘so called’ Great Train Robbery.

Having been released from prison on ‘compassionate grounds’, Biggs’ remarkable recovery from ‘death’s door’ in 2009 was bound to raise speculation that his current ‘death’ was no more than another publicity scam for one final payday from the BBC. Continue reading

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The Hobbit: Heigh-ho, more Dwarves

F I L M    R E V I E W

Mariella Buss-Stop gets to see The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

hobbit

As an aficionado of all of films in the Hobbit franchise, I was delighted to attend the district premiere of the latest offering at the Harold Empire so I could catch up with the latest adventures of Bilbo, Frodo and Dildo.

Now, it could be down to the effects of a rather jolly lunch or tiredness from last night’s Christmas lock-in but I have to admit to finding the film rather confusing and from the moment I thought I recognised Tom Cruise as Shorty, one of the seven dwarves, I rather lost concentration. Continue reading

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