Author Archives: Stan

by | July 9, 2014 · 11:30 am

‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading →

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by | July 3, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Local Christians criticized for holding church fete during Ramadan

Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation

Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation

A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.

Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading →

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by | June 30, 2014 · 2:57 pm

Rolf Harris jailed for naming his daughter Bindi

" Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?"

” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”

Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.

In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”

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by | June 28, 2014 · 7:30 am

Hunt promises to publish NHS’s entire Catalogue of Errors

The officially approved NHS logo

The officially approved NHS logo

The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.

Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading →

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by | June 25, 2014 · 7:00 am

Sensational Exclusive! Kim Kardashian set to appear in Coronation Street

Kim settles down at the Rovers.

Kim settles down at the Rovers.

The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.

According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading →

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by | June 13, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Horror as expert says Princess Kate may be descended from baboons

The baboon is on the left.

The baboon is on the left.

A genealogist researching the ancestry of the Princess of Cambridge has made the shock discovery that Her Royal Highness is descended from an ape.

“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading →

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by | June 12, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Amazonians agree to move allotments from England World Cup game pitch

"Just a few finishing touches needed"

“Just a few finishing touches needed”

Hopes for an improvement in the condition of the pitch for England’s opening match are high after local gardeners agreed to remove their allotments from the playing area for the duration of the game.

With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading →

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by | June 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Chaos as Queen inadvertently reads UKIP speech handed to her by Prince Philip

Let them eat fruitcake

Let them eat fruitcake

There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.

There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.

By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading →

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by | May 16, 2014 · 7:01 am

Does fruit packed shower gel contribute towards your five-a-day?

shamConsumer Correspondant Miles Anour investigates

Take a look at the photo on your left. Two identical bottles of shower gel. “So what?” I hear you ask.

Look a little closer. The one on the left contains forty (yes 40) limes, but the one on the right contains a pathetic ten lemons.

Have you ever wondered how they get a lime, lemon or any other fruit into a bottle? Now, I have no reason to disbelieve that the claims that there are forty limes in that green liquid, and I’m sure they are all real and zingy, but I’d struggle to squeeze one of the zingers into a bottle let alone forty. Continue reading →

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by | May 9, 2014 · 2:30 pm

UKIP landslide expected after Farage pledges to withdraw UK from Eurovision Song contest

Farage expresses his opinion.

Farage expresses his opinion.

In yet another popularist move, UKIP Party leader, Nigel Farage has promised to withdrawn Britian from the Eurovision Song Contest if he is elected to power.

“It’s an embarrassing spectacle,” he said, “and Britain should not be shaming itself by camping it up with the very worse of Europe. Especially when we have no chance of winning.”

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by | May 4, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Tom Cruise set to play title role in new Elvis Presley biopic

The King hears the news and weeps

The King hears the news and weeps

Following fevered speculation, it has been announced that Tom Cruise, the half pint sized, Hollywood legend has signed to play the part of Elvis Presley when filming of the new biopic ‘Suspicious Minds’ starts in the autumn.

News of his casting is certain to cause a backlash of indignation amongst fans of ‘The King’ but it is believed producers were swayed by his excellent miming performance in the movie ‘Rock of Ages’ and the fact that he can supply all of his own wigs.

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by | April 30, 2014 · 7:01 am

Main reason for voting UKIP would be to piss off Cameron, Miliband and Clegg

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

1% of voters have spotted the similarity

A poll published today has revealed that the main reason that voters are will vote for UKIP at the European Parliament election is simply to annoy and confuse the leaders of the mainstream parties.

“Whilst I regard UKIP as directly descended from the Monster Raving Loony Party, and I don’t agree with any of their views, the idea of seriously irritating the right-on, toffee nosed Tories, Lib Dems and Laborites really appeals to me,” said Dave Zhou, a typical voter from Harold. “I’d much rather vote for a quasi-racist millionaire stock broker.”

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by | April 28, 2014 · 7:01 am

Letter written from Titanic includes first recorded instance of “WTF”

dr fortIt had been thought that the letter sold for a record £119,000 at the weekend had been the last letter written from the Titanic, but now another letter has surfaced which was not only being written at the moment of impact with the iceberg but also includes the first written instance of the acronym ‘WTF’.

“This is a really exciting find,” said auctioneer Jack Hamburg of auctioneers Hamburg & Grunter. “The letter actually refers to the iceberg itself, before moving into the all-important WTF, which makes it stand above the other tat that is usually associated with the old legend.”
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by | April 24, 2014 · 2:00 pm

OAP clamped after Post Office queue fiasco

POA village post office has been criticised for its ‘draconian behaviour’ after having an elderly customer clamped and removed for spending too much time chatting as she drew her pension.

Eye witness, Dave Zhou, was in a long queue behind pensioner Elsie Duggan when the clampers moved into action. “The old dear at the front of the queue had been deep in conversation at the counter for ages when an alarm sounded and two men in hi-viz grubby overalls stormed in and clamped her walking frame. Then they lifted her onto a trolley and wheeled her out of the building. The last I saw was them hoisting her onto the back of a truck by crane.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:01 am

Batchcock and Marzipan among ancient names returning to popularity

bookAncient names that have not been used for hundreds of years are making a comeback as parents search for individual identities for their new born children.

After a period when Christian names were sourced from Gaelic surnames or favourite drinks, the fashion is switching to names derived from history with boy’s names growing in popularity including Hamlet, Batchcock and Dogend.

Whilst Hamlet is relatively well known thanks to the works of playwright J.K. Rowling; Batchcock is Anglo Saxon in origin meaning “many dickheads”, with Dogend being Old English for “cigarette butt”. Continue reading →

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by | April 19, 2014 · 7:30 am

Axelrod accepts turd polishing job at Labour HQ

New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama

New Image: Ed slowly morphs into Milibama

Prompted by the Tories’ hiring of Robert Mugabe’s election manager, Labour has engaged American PR guru, David Axelrod, to mastermind their 2015 election campaign.

The man behind Barak Obama’s successful run for the White House has travelled to London to meet Ed Miliband, and assess the enormity of his task.

There was initial embarrassment on Axelrod’s arrival when he pushed past a weedy inconspicuous doorman, only to be told that the insignificant underling was actually the man who he had to transform into the next Prime Minister in twelve short months. Continue reading →

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by | April 17, 2014 · 7:01 am

New real cat food brand to feature mouse and garden bird varieties

cat foodDescribed as ‘realistic and scientifically researched’ a controversial new brand of cat food which will be available in supermarkets this week claims to be based upon the food that a cat would really eat if it could choose.

Initial flavours will include Munchie Mouse, described on the label as ‘tender pieces of your cat’s favourite rodent marinated in a muddy puddle gravy‘ and Songbird, ‘prime morsels of de-feathered sparrow in catnip jelly [may contain thrush]‘

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by | April 14, 2014 · 1:14 pm

History: Henry VIII was a brickie and did Charles II start the Great Fire of London?

HentyPainstaking research by Harold don, Professor Bethany Russell, has revealed that Henry VIII, famous for having six wives, was also a first class bricklayer who played an active part in the building of many of the great palaces attributed to him.

According to recently discovered papers, there was nothing he liked better after a hard day conducting the affairs of state, than to spend a couple of hours working on the intricate brick tracery of Hampton Court Palace with a trowel in his hand.

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by | April 1, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Rail Company says new night time suicide train will prevent daytime delays

The 01:45 to Oblivion

The 01:45 to Oblivion

Plagued by disruptive delays caused by frequent suicides, Network Rail has announced plans to run an after-hours railway service dedicated to the needs of those who wish to take their own lives by jumping under a train.

Already dubbed by railway workers as the Ghost Train, the new skeleton service will run at night once timetabled services have finished for the day. Operating companies are hoping that would-be suicides will take advantage of this initiative saving commuters of many hours of inconvenience whilst the emergency services attend to the consequence of a member of public choosing to terminate themselves at a busy railway station. Continue reading →

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by | March 29, 2014 · 7:01 am

Anger as hetero couple is prevented from downgrading their marriage to a civil partnership

"Lucky buggers"

“Lucky buggers”

The arrival of gay marriage has finally introduced equality into all partnerships whether homosexual, lesbian or heterosexual. Or so it was thought.

However, when Harold couple, Chantel and Dave Brooke, felt their marriage was a in a rut and becoming a little too secure, they looked around for a solution that would loosened the shackles of marriage. Since they had no wish to become totally decoupled they hit upon the idea of having their two year marriage downgraded to the status of civil partnership. Continue reading →

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