Author Archives: Max C-F

by Max C-F | June 24, 2013 · 7:00 am

New Atos test to involve putting people on disability benefits in a wicker man

This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres

Atos, the company which carries out work capability tests on those in receipt of benefits due to illness and/or disability, has announced that it is implementing a tougher test which will involve placing claimants in a wicker man.

Esther McVey, Conservative MP and Minister for Disabled People, spoke of her delight with the new system. “As I said in an interview earlier this year, this government is very generous to disabled people. Now after a long consultation of ten minutes minus the time it took to drink the coffee and enjoy a hobnob, I and my colleagues who are all able to work and whose basic salaries put us in the top five percent of wage earners in this country even before we’ve cracked open the treasure chest that is the MPs expense allowance have decided that that is not on.” Continue reading →

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Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as Atos, benifits, disability, Esther McVey, Evening Harold

by Max C-F | June 22, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Older generation despairs over launch of female masturbation app

When we asked the internet for images on the theme of female masturbation to go with this story one of the first pictures it gave us was this one of C.S Lewis. He is terribly sexy but it was still quite a surprise.

The news that an app has been launched to encourage female masturbation has been met with despair from Harold’s older generation.

“Young people today,” grumbled Ruby Butler, 83. “They’ll need an app to tell them when to breathe in-and-out next. In my day we didn’t have iPhones explaining at us about having fun with our otter’s pockets we had to make our own entertainment and it was lovely.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News

Tagged as apps, Evening Harold, iphone, Luftwaffe, masturbation, The Blitz

by Max C-F | June 21, 2013 · 4:47 pm

Environmental protest group disbands in chaos: all members revealed to be undercover police

Some officers struggled with the ‘convincingly blending in’ aspect of going undercover.

A Dunstable based environmental protest group disbanded in chaos when it emerged that every single member was an undercover police officer. The group had been camping together in the kind of manky field you’d only put a donkey in if you wanted to make it terribly unhappy to protest about its forthcoming redevelopment as a McDonald’s but they quickly became suspicious of one another’s motivations. Continue reading →

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Filed under Crime, News

Tagged as environmental protesters, Evening Harold, George Osborne, McLibel trial, police

by Max C-F | June 13, 2013 · 11:30 am

Ireland to run out of Catholic priests in 20 years: breeding program intensified

Priests are shy, solitary creatures.

Reacting to a Vatican report which claims that in twenty years time it is likely that there will be no more Roman Catholic priests in Ireland a sanctuary in County Cork is intensifying its breeding program.

“Priests are shy, solitary creatures,” said Donna McAleese, chief vet at In Nomine Patris Priest Sanctuary and Botanical Gardens. “They are also very difficult to keep in captivity due to them requiring a rarefied incense-laden climate and eating up to three times their body weight in communion wafers every day.” Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, News, Religion

Tagged as Evening Harold, pandas, priests, Roman catholics, Spoof news, Vatican

by Max C-F | June 11, 2013 · 7:00 am

Soldiers to be fast-tracked as teachers: new curriculum to include alcoholism, homelessness and domestic violence

Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.

The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.

“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics

Tagged as Atos, British Army, Evening Harold, teaching

by Max C-F | June 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Perfect version of original Star Wars trilogy to be released: all dialogue cut.

Talk shit, I do.

George Lucas the creator of Star Wars has announced that he is releasing yet another DVD version of the first trilogy of films only this time with all the dialogue cut.

“As I looked them over one more time to see what ropey cgi I could add I was struck by a fatal weakness in all three movies that I’d never noticed before,” he said. “And it’s the dialogue. Thirty-six years after A New Hope was shot I finally released that every word in the script was utter bobbins and that that trend continued right the way through to The Empire Strikes Back then Return of the Jedi.” Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as A New Hope, Evening Harold, Gerorge Lucas, Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, The Return of The Jedi

by Max C-F | June 6, 2013 · 7:00 am

Teen caught hiring himself out to families who want to cut theme park queues

How much would you pay to avoid hours of this?

Harold teenager and wheelchair user Simon Delaney, 17, has been banned from Chronicles of Narnia inspired theme park Six Beavers over Dunstable after it emerged that he had been hiring himself out to families who didn’t want to queue up for rides having copied the idea from news reports about similar scams happening at Disneyland in Florida.

“At Six Beavers visitors who use mobility aides such as wheelchairs or motorised scooters can use an alternate entrance to some rides and every so often we stop the main queue to allow them onto the ride itself,” said a spokesperson for the park. “And this young man has been wholeheartedly abusing that scheme.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News

Tagged as bong, disability, Evening Harold, theme parks, Wheelchair

by Max C-F | June 5, 2013 · 11:30 am

Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.

“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tagged as Bingo, Boris Johnson, David Cameron, David Laws, Evening Harold, George Osborne, Jonathan Aitken, Tories, Tory Party

by Max C-F | May 30, 2013 · 11:30 am

Iain Duncan Smith declared unfit for work by Atos

Is this man a danger to the public?

An attempt to prove that Atos assessments are fair and transparent spectacularly backfired today when the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, was declared unfit for work.

The assessor ruled that Duncan Smith lives largely in a fantasy world as evidenced by his misuse of statistics to prove points both in the media and the House of Commons and the lies which were present on his CV until a Newsnight exposé forced him to change it. Despite his highest qualifications merely being A’levels, Duncan Smith had claimed to be a graduate of the Universita di Perugia and to have been educated at Dunchurch College of Management. This inflation of his academic record was classified by Atos as being symptomatic of a severe case of an illness commonly known as a touch of the Archers. Continue reading →

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Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as Atos, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith

by Max C-F | May 29, 2013 · 11:30 am

Man joins English Defence League: disappointed by spelling

Makes “you’re teeth”, itch. Do’nt it?

Harold man, Col. Thomas Hallet, today spoke of his disappointment on joining the English Defence League and discovering that the promotion and preservation of the correct use of the English language was the last thing on their minds.

“I happened to be in Dunstable last week and I popped into a pub I’d never been in before which turned out to be rather insalubrious but I thought I’d have a quick pint while I waited for my good lady wife to finish buying whatever women’s things she feels it necessary to procure from the town.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tagged as British Army, English Defence League, Evening Harold, grammar, Islam, Lynne Truss

by Max C-F | May 28, 2013 · 11:30 am

Will Smith to present Question Time

We’d let him chair our debate any day.

As part of the publicity tour for his new film Will Smith will present Question Time this Thursday. For the past few days the forty-four year old Hollywood star has been an ubiquitous media presence as he whips up enthusiasm for his latest sci-fi epic.

“Will has had a great time in the UK,” said his agent. “He’s gone on Graham Norton, been to a soccer match and in his downtime visited top London tourist attractions like Boris Johnson. Now with Question Time he’s trying something new.” Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Tagged as BBC, Evening Harold, Meryl Streep, Newsnight, Question Time, Will Smith

by Max C-F | May 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

Explorers discover a third and mostly dull America

Apparently not all American look like this.

Apparently they don’t all look like this

The standard cliché when reporting on news from the USA may have to be retired following claims from explorers that a third America has been discovered.

“We’re very excited,” said Louisa McClaren, reader in geography at Dunstable University and leader of an expedition which saw a small team of researchers visit all fifty states in the USA. “For a long time pundits have endlessly claimed that America is really two countries with the coastal cities being one and the one where all the culture, science and coherent politics happens and that that country is wrapped around a sprawling mass of flyover states whose inhabitants have dispensed with rational thought and fully embraced Christian fundamentalism, firearms and morbid obesity.” Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, News

Tagged as America, china, Evening Harold, Glen Beck, Rachel Maddow, USA

by Max C-F | May 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

School defends decision to have sixth form trip to Skyrim

Skyrim: everything you need for a school trip plus dragons.

Clive Morris, headteacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive), has defended the school’s decision to replace the annual sixth form residential trip with a week playing Skyrim the phenomenally popular PC and console game.

“School trips have changed beyond recognition over the last ten years,” he said. “In my day you were abandoned to a random family in a crappy French town no more than an hour from the nearest ferryport where you spent the whole week hating the food and fancying a hairy French lass then returned home with a bag full of Hollywood chewing gun and a flick knife. This will no longer do and besides which HSFAIAH has been banned from all international ports in the UK for some years now.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Education, science

Tagged as Azeroth, Bethesda, Evening Harold, New Eden, Schools, Skyrim, The Elder Scrolls

by Max C-F | May 22, 2013 · 8:51 pm

www.helpforheroes.org.uk

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by Max C-F | · 7:00 am

Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Education, News, Politics

Tagged as Amazon, David Cameron, education, Eton, google, Maths, Schools, Starbucks

by Max C-F | May 21, 2013 · 6:22 pm

Council announces plan to put village on the happiness standard

Is this image better for you than money?

Is the mirth of this image better for you than money?

Returning from a controversial fact-finding tour to the Kingdom of Bhutan, Councillor Ron Ronsson has announced that Harold’s council intend to put it on the happiness standard.

“I know some of you felt that it wasn’t right for a senior member of the council and his wife, his brother-in-law, his daughter and her partner to spend two weeks in Thimphu at the council’s expense but this was a necessary trip that will change Harold as we know it.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Vikings

Tagged as Evening Harold

by Max C-F | · 11:00 am

Feature: Six weeks to the perfect beach body

Throw away those razors, girls.

Harold’s own movie star, former Bond-girl Emilie Bourdain, has come out of semi-retirement to offer women a guide to the perfect beach body. A topic she knows all about having rocketed to fame as Claire Medea in the Bond film More Deadly Than The Male which starred Roger Moore as James Bond and saw them light up the screen together in the now iconic ‘naughty hazelnut’ scene which was filmed on Crescent Head beach, New South Wales, and resulted in Emilie Bourdain winning Pipe Smoker of the Year 1975. Continue reading →

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Filed under Fashion, Lifestyle

Tagged as beach, beach body, diet, Evening Harold, james bond, megan fox, roger moore, rosie huntingdon-whiteley, weight loss tips

by Max C-F | May 20, 2013 · 11:30 am

Daily Mail to back gay marriage after realising it will improve house prices

Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.

The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.

“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Tagged as Christopher Biggins, Daily Mail, Evening Harold, Gay Marriage, House Prices

by Max C-F | May 17, 2013 · 11:00 am

Asylum seeker demands right to be moody shambles

Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.

An asylum seeker in Harold is demanding the right to be as moody and shambolic as the rest of the village. Ceaserina Okereke is seeking to put an end to stereotypes and have other Haroldites recognise that she is a confused mess who vaguely wonders what the purpose of it all is just like everyone else.

“People comment on how I’m always bright and happy as if that’s some trait every African woman has. Or if I’m feeling down and the kids are playing up then I’m a stern disciplinarian who is culturally unable to nurture and indulge her children. There is more to my thoughts and feelings than where I’m from or the colour of my skin.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Tagged as asylum seekers, Evening Harold, game of thrones

by Max C-F | May 16, 2013 · 5:23 pm

Becks announces retirement. Straight women announce no further interest in football

You would. Don’t lie to us, you so would.

David Beckham has announced that he is to retire from football at the end of the season after 20 years in the game and spend more time trying to complete a word search from the 1987 Beano annual which he started as a 12 year-old.

The midfielder became the first Englishman to win championships in four different countries when PSG secure the Ligue 1 title and feels that the time is right to bow out of the game and concentrate on a children’s comic.

Continue reading →

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Filed under International News, News, Sport

Tagged as David Beckham, Evening Harold

Author Archives: Max C-F

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