Author Archives: rickw

by | January 25, 2016 · 2:47 pm

Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes

Daily struggle to fit in

Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.

In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.

One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”

“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading →

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by | January 22, 2016 · 12:36 pm

Kanye West ‘delighted’ he has new constellation too

kanyestars2Following the announcement that he is going to soil David Bowie’s legacy by recording a rubbish tribute album, Kanye West has also insisted that he too should get a new constellation in his honour.

Scientists recently announced a new lightning bolt-shaped constellation has been registered as a memorial to Bowie, and Kanye immediately called for his own stellar tribute.

The same team of astronomers were quick to announce the new “Kanye Constellation” in the stars of Ursa Major, which has been informally named “The Knob”.

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by | January 10, 2016 · 10:00 am

New toilet you clean once a year sounds like a lot of effort, say teenagers

supertoiletAn “intelligent” toilet that only has to be cleaned once a year sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, teenagers claimed today.

The  Neorest 750H toilet, on display at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, uses electrolysed water and ultraviolet light to break down bacteria, so the bowl does not have to be cleaned for at least a year.

“That sounds like a real drag to me,” insisted Melanie Delaney, 19, from the English village of Harold today.

“In our house we have a toilet, and I’m pretty certain it’s never been cleaned, like not ever.”

“It never seems to get dirty though, so I can’t see why we’d want one you have to clean every year. And it doesn’t sound like a fun job, anyway.”

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by | January 9, 2016 · 1:35 pm

Skin-browning product banned for ‘discriminating against idiot’

donaldbrown

Texture like sun…

Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.

The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.

“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading →

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by | · 6:57 am

Apple to remove headphone socket because company run by demons

You love it

You love it

Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.

The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.

A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”.  Continue reading →

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by | January 8, 2016 · 11:47 am

New alcohol guidelines don’t apply to you, experts confirm

imageThere was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.

The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading →

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by | January 6, 2016 · 12:56 pm

New Monopoly piece launched with Rey using the iron

monopolyreyFollowing criticism of their decision to not include the female Rey character as one of the playable pieces in “Star Wars Monopoly”, the manufacturers have announced that the game will now come with Rey busily using the traditional “iron” piece.

“We recognise how bad it looked to leave out the main girl character,” admitted a spokesman from Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly. “We heard your criticisms, and we’ve moved swiftly to make things better, by introducing a new Rey piece, engaged in the womanly pursuit of ironing.”

“None of the other old pieces worked – we didn’t think she’d much fancy driving a car, let alone a ship, and the top hat was obviously out. But with the iron, we think we’ve found something that will both delight and be familiar to our girly customers everywhere.” Continue reading →

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by | · 8:56 am

World of science embarrassed as chemical symbols for new elements spell out ‘BIGBOOBIES’

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The childish elements among us

The world of science was plunged into embarrassment today after sharp-eyed schoolchildren spotted that the symbols for the newly-discovered chemical elements, when seen on the Periodic Table, spell out the words: “BIG BOOBIES”.

The chance of these elements just happening to be named like this – Bi, Gb, Oob and Ies – seems so remote that red-faced heads of research at the world’s leading laboratories admit that it might not be entirely an accident.

Although the new elements were discovered and named by separate teams in different countries, there is a theory that the various scientists involved might just have got together and chosen names that spelled out BIG BOOBIES deliberately. Continue reading →

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by | January 5, 2016 · 12:00 pm

Internet divided over dog pant dress

dogpants3

(White and gold on left)

A new picture of the dog wearing trousers made out of material from “the dress” has caused the internet to grind to a halt, as families fight bitterly and former friends stand divided over whether the dog would wear blue and black or white and gold.

“Society seems to have fallen into three distinct camps,” explained Evening Harold culture correspondent Piers Waghorn.

“Some people see the dog wearing blue and black, some see it wearing white and gold, and others see a bunch of wankers obsessing over a picture of a dog while our world slides rapidly down the toilet.” Continue reading →

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by | January 4, 2016 · 12:22 pm

Government to build 13,000 pre-flooded houses in lake

houseinlake

Some rising damp

Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.

Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”

“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading →

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by | January 3, 2016 · 1:43 pm

Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

farage_car

A tragic near-miss

British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”

“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.

“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading →

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by | January 1, 2016 · 2:35 pm

Cameron accused of cronyism after pigs dominate Honours List

“For political service”

David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.

It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.

Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.

It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading →

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by | December 31, 2015 · 10:27 am

Youth ‘crack-walking’ craze leads to rise in bear attacks

cracksbearsLocal police today urged parents in the village of Harold to be “ever so careful” to keep their offspring from walking on cracks in the pavement, after an 80% increase in paving-related bear attacks.

“There seems to be a general lack of appreciation of the risks presented by the current crack-stepping craze’ warned Bear Prevention Officer James James Morrison-Morrison. ‘We can only urge greater vigilance by parents; young people are all too ready to experiment with crack-stepping, bringing with it tragic consequences. The sillies.”

On a day of stark warnings for Harold’s youth, the police also issued fresh evidence of the dangers of swallowing chewing gum, showing that ingesters face a 90% chance of the gum wrapping itself around the heart, causing instant death.

“We need a concerted campaign of health education’ said PC Anita Flegg ‘our young people are treating serious health dangers as mere playground myths: only last week we had to remove a full sized apple tree from the stomach of young man who had accidentally swallowed a pip.”

“What a tosser.”

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by | December 29, 2015 · 12:13 pm

RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

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The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment

The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.

“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.

“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”

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by | December 23, 2015 · 1:49 pm

Archaeologists discover tiny Corbyn apology buried on Sun front page

sun1

Where’s that pesky little apology?

Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.

The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the  front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.

The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.

The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.

“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”

When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:

“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”

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by | · 8:31 am

Cameron to bomb Scotland after Ginger Terrorist threat

charles

Narrow escape from the ginger menace

Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.

The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.

Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.

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by | December 22, 2015 · 9:00 am

Donald Trump ‘outraged’ that new Hermione actress is muggle

DJT

He who must not be President

Movie fan and frightful old bore Donald Trump has expressed outrage that the Hermione character in the new Harry Potter stage production will be played by a muggle actress.

“This is a disgraceful example of these muggles coming here and taking over,” raged Trump today. “Everyone knows that Hermione is magical, far more so than some of the other actors, like that guy who plays Neville, for example.”

“This new one, I saw her in Midsomer Murders, and she wasn’t in the least bit magical. I think people are going to be pretty unhappy.”

“Not like that lovely Emma Watson. She can make Polyjuice Potion, and her Patronus is an otter.”

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by | December 21, 2015 · 1:27 pm

Awards blunder sees Andy Murray named Miss Universe

andy-murray-tiara - Copy

Murray overcome with joy

The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.

A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.

“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”

“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”

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by | December 19, 2015 · 1:57 pm

Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Cbhitler

It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

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by | · 8:08 am

£26 charge to pick up fallen pensioners ‘is proof mankind now living in hell’

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You’ll never leave

The news that a local council in Essex is proposing to charge old people £26 to come round and pick them up after a fall is the final proof that mankind has now left the physical plane and entered hell, according to experts.

Scientists and theologians have been convinced for years that the much-prophesied end of the world actually happened last year without us realising it we are now all inhabiting the pits of hell.

The problem with this theory is that it has been very hard to prove, especially as things weren’t exactly great before.

Now, however, Tendring local council in Essex have decided to charge pensioners who are already paying for care an extra £26 if they fall over, and this is the clearest sign anyone could want that humans are now living a miserable cursed existence in the pits of hades.

A spokesperson for Tendring council confirmed that this was indeed the case, saying: “We have a responsibility to balance funding for all non-essential projects, and exist only to serve our Lord Satan, the great evil master.”

Most people were of the opinion that the Hell thing was no excuse for Tendring council’s behaviour.

“We might be consigned to Hades, being tormented for eternity by all his demons,” complained one, “But you’d still expect better standards than this.”

Others were generally relieved to have life’s great mystery explained to them. “We might all be in Hell now,” pointed out one of the damned, “But at least I finally feel like I understand the Daily Mail.”

 

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