Harold GP Dr Evans has spoken out today about the increase in prescriptions he is writing for Methafone, a mobile phone substitute aimed at helping 3.5 inch screen addicts stop using their device for more than five minutes.
“Often people try to go cold turkey,” Evans explained, “but even though they will claim they are not addicted and are in control, you can still observe them waking up their device just to look at an empty home screen with no messages or missed calls.
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Protesters have surprised prime minister David Cameron by setting up a fracking site around his forehead.
“If he thinks it is OK for companies to frack on any area of wasteland regardless of people’s concerns, then he won’t mind us drilling the large expanse above his eyebrows” one of the protesters explained.
“As the tory peer Lord Howell said, it is fine to start drilling in ‘desolate’ areas with ‘plenty of room’. And after his loss to Ukip in the recent elections, he’ll be used to any earthquakes we cause in his cranium.”
With the results of an investigation showing corruption in FIFA led to the awarding of the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, The Sunday Times have become this year’s favourites to scoop the ‘No Shit, Sherlock’ award for journalism.
The award is given to stories that use investigations, evidence, and concrete proof to end up with a shocking revelation that most people thought was already fact, leading them to say ‘no shit, Sherlock’.
Previous winners of the award include The Daily Telegraph with their discovery in 2009 that MPs were dishonest.
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After six years and £776m, Edinburgh’s new team service is ready to offer delayed services and the occasional cancelation.
The long awaited public transport system was due to start taking paying passengers at 5:00 this morning, as long as the drivers weren’t on strike, and is said to rival any other system in Britain.
George Osbear and Ted Balls entering the meeting
There have been clashes on Harold’s High Street this afternoon between protesters and police following a demonstration against a meeting of the influential Build-A-Bear group.
The group of powerful teddy bears meet to discus world policy, economics and the best way to stuff the lesser bears. Last year’s meeting agreed that current governments would stuff their bears with as much shit as possible instead of the standard woollen material. Continue reading
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Defending his misogynistic comments on last night’s Question Time, Joey Barton has said although he regrets his off-the-cuff sexism, it can be hard to form a coherent argument under pressure.
“I often make gaffs when forming opinions on things I don’t really understand. Choosing an opinion is like choosing a cell mate, pick the wrong one and you’re buggered. I’ve done it again haven’t I?
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Fifa has announced it is to investigate Nigerian goalkeeper, Austin Ejide, after he appeared to throw the ball into his own net during a friendly game with Scotland. He is to be charged with being so blatant he ‘brought corruption into disrepute’.
Speaking from his penthouse suite in a five-star hotel in Qatar, Sepp Blatter said corruption in football was “a fine art that only a very few at the top can master.”
“The way he threw the ball into his own net was an embarrassment,” Blatter explained. “Even the referee disallowed it out of sympathy and to try and give him another go at it.”
“Russia and Qatar wouldn’t have World Cups if they had just given us brown envelopes in front of the cameras, would they?
“Ok, maybe they would but the point is they didn’t. They were much more subtle.”
It was not only the obvious attempt to throw the ball into his own goal that have brought corruption into disrepute during the game.
Suspicions were aroused when he stepped up to take a penalty. The Scotland players tried to tell him he should be attempting to save it but he was adamant he would score. And he would have, had he not still had his boot laces tied together.
His teammates appeared to be unhappy with his blatant attempts to throw the game.
Nigeria defender Azubuike Egwuekw said: “It was embarrassing. I told him to get a grip, but he said he couldn’t, especially not with all the butter he had spread on his gloves.
“Eventually though he changed them, calmed down and let me score a less suspicious own goal. He really could have let the team down.”
Blatter has said that should Austin Ejide be found guilty of bringing corruption into disrepute he will be banned from playing the sport and serving on the Fifa board in the future. Either that or a fine of 500,000USD in used notes delivered to Mr Blatter directly.
People in the UK and around the world are said to be ‘disappointed’ to learn that the headline ‘One Direction caned’ wasn’t what they thought.
“I was disgusted when I found out they had been smoking a bit of dope,” one upset music fan told us.
“I was hoping there were caned as a punishment for the crap songs the have inflicted on the world.
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Filed under breaking news, Law and Order, News
Following the decision by Michael Gove to remove some famous American literary works from the English Literature opting for more ‘traditionally english’ material such as the Conservative Party 1802 manifesto, he is also planning to ban the use of Arabic Numerals in maths.
“If Ukip’s recent success is anything to go by, then it is clear people want a more nationalist country” Gove explained in statement made in Latin. “That’s why we we intend to bring back good old Roman Numerals, or showing fingers and toes, or beans, the traditional English way.
A local scientist has said he has possibly found a way to make Harold the UK’s first carbon-neutral village.
Using patented ‘testi-scratch energy capture’ technology he believes he can harness the energy created by men scratching themselves on the sofa and use it to heat and power homes around Harold.
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Following the relative success of Ukip in the English council election, and their expected results in the European ballot, many right-minded people are now having to backtrack from their pre-election smears.
With casual racism being proven an accepted political position, and the fact you are statistically never more than 15 feet from a Ukip voter, people across the country are now saying “how can I hate racists, some of my best friends are racists”.
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Filed under Election 2014, Europe, News, Politics
“Some of my best friends are black Romanian gays” say Farage, trying to convince himself
Nigel Farage has hit the headlines again today after it was revealed his ‘black Romanian homosexual’ friend, used to prove he was not racist or homophobic, was actually Nick Griffin in disguise.
“I thought it would be useful to be able to pull the old ‘some of my best friends are black Romanian homosexuals’ card to stop people calling me a bigot” Farage explained.
“Sadly, the gene pool of my associates is as diverse as the bricks in the Berlin Wall, so my only option was to employ someone.” Continue reading
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Players, management, and fans of Arsenal Football Club are celebrating this morning following their success at Wembley in the FA Cup final, marking the beginning of the club’s next nine years without a trophy.
The victory in the competition saw the team lift their first piece of silverware since 2005 and marks the start of a brand new era of quarter-final cup exits, fourth place in the league and the now traditional February capitulation.
An in-depth study of personal injury lawyer adverts has conclusively proven the vast majority of accidents are caused by idiots.
“We decided to look into the issue when we saw an advert claiming ‘Dave got paid £15,000 after he used the wrong ladder’,” said a researcher at the Harold Institute of Statistics.
“When we looked into it further and it turned out Dave had made his ladder out of damp cardboard boxes and Sellotape.”
Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs have announced the are to apply for charitable status in an attempt to get “celebrities” to pay some contribution towards society.
The move comes as Gary Barlow joins Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles to be threatened with the naughty step over their dubious tax affairs.
Lin Homer, chief executive of HMRC explained: “Trying to get these wealthy people to pay their fair share is impossible. We’re sure it’s because you don’t get any publicity for filling in a self assessment form.
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After over a decade of dominance in one area of the Eurovision song contest, the United Kingdom looks set to lose its ‘most hated Eurovision country’ title to Russia.
The accolade – which is often associated with the coverted ‘nil points’ – is traditionally awarded to the country the rest of Europe decides has the most trigger happy leader.
Following the invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq the UK has been guaranteed the title every year since, but with no troops left in Iraq and withdrawal imminent from Camp Bastion Europe has begun looking elsewhere for its pantomime warmonger.
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Filed under Culture, Europe, International News, News
The competition commission has warned Tesco to stop selling it’s suppliers’ souls for less than cost price.
The warning comes as more and more small and local suppliers who have spent hundreds of years selling their wares to local independent shops sell their souls to the supermarket giant.
One local brewery explained: “We used to sell good quality beer to retailers that knew what they were on about. We put our heart and soul into it.”
“But when the big boys come looking to buy a few more bottles but without the heart bit and even the beer part being optional, who can resist.”
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In a bid to cut down on the recent trend of public misery, a group of 20 festivals have banned the use of ‘legal depressants’ such as Coldplay and Radiohead.
“Although not widely used in public some festival goers have been known to sit in their tents getting low using headphones to inject legal lows such as ‘Yellow’ or ‘Creep’ directly into their ears,” one organiser told us.
Filed under Art, Entertainment, News
‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery
Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.
With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.
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Filed under Law and Order, News, Travel
Following on from an undercover Panorama reporter into the mistreatment of the elderly, Jeremy Paxman has admitted he can’t take it anymore and announced he is to leave Newsnight.
Disturbing scenes showed members of the Newsnight production team shouting at him and often reducing him to tears.
In one instance a junior researcher can be seen giving him a slap for complaining his latte was too sweet.
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