Tag Archives: trump

Trump begins rollback of progress, tide

The tide of history…

New US President Donald Trump has begun the process of undoing any laws he doesn’t agree with, including the Affordable Care Act, same-sex marriage and the incoming tide.

“We want to waste no time getting this proud country back to where it used to be,” explained Trump to an audience of Russian journalists.

“That basically means rolling back anything progressive that’s happened in the last few decades.”

“To illustrate this by means of a giant salty metaphor, I will this afternoon sit on the beach and command the tide not to come in.”

“For too long, ordinary Americans have been forced to watch the tide cover their proud beaches with its briny wetness, well no more. It’s going to stay out until we work out what’s going on, and what’s more, the ocean is going to pay for this.”

There was some scepticism that Trump would be able to deliver on his tidal manifesto, although some pointed out that if there was anyone the sea would happily avoid, it would be the new President.

As Trump headed off to the beach, his supporters chanted their new slogan: “Yes we CANUTE!”

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‘Fucknugget’ declared word of the year in honour of Brexit and Trump voters

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It comes just after “f*ck”

Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”.

The word is described as an adjective relating to people unable to comprehend even the most basic of obvious consequences, despite regular warnings being explained very slowly to them, or written in large letters, in crayon.

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Trump to be given toy nuclear button to play with

“You’re fired!”

Donald Trump is to be given a special “training” red button when he takes office in the White House, insiders revealed today.

 

A spokesman revealed that there were fears that the incoming President might not fully realise the seriousness of the nuclear launch system, and therefore plans have been put in place to give him a toy red button to play with until he learns that pressing it is a bad thing.

“He’s been demanding a red button all day, saying he’s in charge now and we can’t stop him,’ admitted one insider. “So we’ve started him off with a nice bright plastic one with a teddy bear head on the top.”

“He’s been hammering the crap out of that button all day, shouting ‘You’re fired!’ over and over and over…”

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America pretty sure it got drunk and did something stupid last night

Down the toilet

The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.

Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.

“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.

“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”

“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”

“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”

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Woman claims not to have been groped by Donald Trump

make america grope again

What a tosser, though, really.

In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.

Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.

“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”

“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”

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Neanderthal genes to blame for Donald Trump.

neanderthal

The future of politics.

Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading

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Salmond ‘trumps’ Murray knighthood with offer of discount on massive golf course

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Murray assumes position for knighting himself

Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.

With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.

“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”

Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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Homeopath tackles epidemic by treating water supply with ‘single measle’

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A single, measly measle

In response to news of a Rubeola epidemic, local Homeopath George Tredinnick has isolated a single measle, and plans to drop it down Harold’s water well.

With the MMR jab refusing to protect those that didn’t benefit from it, Tredinnick claims that the current crisis calls for ‘something more potent, with the sort of strength that comes from watering it down’.

“According to my homeopathic principles, slipping just half a measle down the village pump could protect the residents of our community”, revealed Tredinnick.

“In fact dilution is key, so almost not adding a measle is even better. I could leave it in a beaker, somewhere close to the well.”
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