America pretty sure it got drunk and did something stupid last night

Down the toilet

The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.

Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.

“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.

“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”

“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”

“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”

“All I can remember is that there was something going on yesterday, and we had a few drinks – maybe too many. You know how it is when you do something for a laugh, and the next day it’s not so funny? Yeah, like that.”

“I’ve got a nagging feeling that I’ve lost something – car keys? Nope. Wallet? Nope. Basic humanity and freedom? Could be.”

“All things considered, I think I’ll just leave all this mess until I can face it, and go back to bed. For four years.”

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