Narrow escape from the ginger menace
Following the arrest of the so-called “Ginger Terrorist” who planned to murder Prince Charles, Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that British bomber planes will immediately begin pre-emptive strikes in Scotland to counter the Ginger extremist threat.
The Ginger Terrorist hoped to make royal ginger Harry next in line to the throne, as a first step in a glorious Ginger Revolution, which would see the rest of the country forever under the auburn jackboot of the carrot-topped army.
Cameron plans to attack known centres of ginger extremism, such as Glasgow, where over 90% of the population are thought to support gingerist causes.
Suitable for vegetarians and even more annoying vegans.
Waitrose has run out of Duchy Originals Brake Grease, after the product was mentioned by the Queen.
Brake Grease is a guilt-free ‘miracle’ oil, which can reduce friction and princesses in busy households. Once the preserve of nobility, in ancient times it was known as ‘the fat of the landed’.
Prince Charles insists that all Duchy-brand products are organic. “One’s brake grease is sustainable, but completely untraceable”, he revealed. Continue reading
The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.
People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.
Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.
“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
Filed under Politics, Royals
Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else
Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.
Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading
Filed under Religion, Royals
The fruit plate
The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.
Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.
“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”
An excited Charles polishes his Crown
Prince Charles is said to be ‘very excited’ at the news King Juan Carlos of Spain is abdicating after a 39 year long reign.
“It’s coming, it’s coming, I’m going to be King soon” spurted Charles as he retired to his room to watch some Coronation porn and polish his Crown. When Charles emerged 15 minutes later he declared he was ‘hereditary and ready’.
Vladimir Putin: moobs out and ready to wrestle, always ready.
As the controversy surrounding Prince Charles comparing Vladimir Putin to Hitler grows, the Russian President is demanding the right get physical.
“I will kick that tampon-fixated mummy’s boy into next week,” a shirtless Putin bellowed as he beat his chest. “Come to Moscow, Prince Too Thick To Know He’s Thick, and I’ll show you how a democratically elected national figurehead throws down. When I’m done it’ll take more than a coffee enema to fix you, it will take a miracle.” Continue reading
Prince Charles passed the Duchy on the left-hand side.
Radio 1 experienced a surprise boost to its audience figures yesterday during a live audition by Prince Charles and Camilla.
Listeners in the key 15 to 29 year-old demographic turned on in their droves to listen to someone marginally less celebrity-obsessed than Grimshaw.
Initially the broadcast was delayed for a few minutes, but eventually a technician found a set of headphones that could be forced over the Prince’s ears.
Filed under Art, Culture, Royals
I suppose an OBE’s out of the question, then?
Following the suggestion by Princess Anne that Britons should eat horsemeat to improve the animals’ quality of life, another member of the Royal Family has come forward with his own alternative to traditional beef.
Prince Charles, who has a range of organic and inordinately expensive products from his Duchy of Cornwall range, has stepped into the row with his ‘Queen Bessie’ line.
While many have been put off the idea of eating elderly or infirm relatives by the poor quality of the meat, weeping sores and lack of good recipes, HRH thinks that it is an option which will garner more and more popularity as rising energy, food and residential care costs bite harder.
Prince Charles: one way or another he’ll get that crown.
Prince Charles turned sixty-five today and is delighted to be receiving his state pension.
“Oh yes, it’ll come in very handy,” said the Prince. “Nice to see the state doing something for us old folk. Now I’ll be getting an extra £66 a week on top of the yearly £1.1m the Treasury thoughtfully already gives me and the £19m a year I get from that thing Mummy gave me ages ago. What’s it called now? Oh yes, that’s right: Cornwall.” Continue reading
Surrounded by security 24 hours a day, having someone else decide what you will eat, not voting in elections, being transported in armoured vehicles often with a police escort, having sex with unsightly people, menial work to pass the time and earn your weekly wage and all the tax payers’ expense have all been good practice for the future monarch.
Wouldn’t evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Phil Mitchell?
In an exclusive interview Admiral Michael Dearlove told the Evening Harold that the name of one of the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers is having a detrimental effect on morale.
“The first ship is called HMS Queen Elizabeth,” he said. “Now no one has any problems with that. Her Majesty was quite a fox in her day and served in the British Army during the Second World War even now I think it’s fair to say that she often has a look in her eye which tells you that in a fight she’d wouldn’t mess around and would go straight for the eyes and the balls.” Continue reading
There has been more over the top royal security this morning at Balmoral, where Prince Charles has been held, at gunpoint, by Prince Philip.
The Prince of Wales found himself ambushed by his father during a leisurely walk through the royal estate. Describing the incident, Philip explained the moment he pointed his hunting rifle at the first heir to the throne.
The Prince sniggers as he thinks over his plan
As US endurance swimmer Diana Nyad yesterday became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida non-stop and without the protection of a shark cage it has emerged that Prince Charles is encouraging his mother to make her own attempt at the epic 103 mile swim.
“Diana Nyad is a shining example of never being too old to chase your dreams,” said the Prince. “At sixty-four years old she has shown herself to be a remarkable athlete who has achieved something truly incredible. So I was thinking that Mater ought to pop down to Havana and give it a go.” Continue reading
Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.
We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading
The only bush to be shaped with wax strips
There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.
Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”
Piss off Charlie
Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.
“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”