Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail
The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.
“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”
En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.
A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading
“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss
An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.
“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”
“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading
Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice
A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”
The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.
“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading
Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge
An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.
“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”
Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants
An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.
Duncan Smith explained how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.
“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading
Filed under DWP, News, Politics
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed
As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”
Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading
Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”
In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has balloted himself and after a 100% vote in favour of industrial action, promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.
Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading
Dave practices his Very Earnest face
Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.
Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.
Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading
We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either
The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.
Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.
Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.
As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.
During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.
“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, TV
Trust me, I’m a Conservative
Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.
“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
Just down the corridor you say?
Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.
Filed under News, Politics
89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.
Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.
“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading
When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden
In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.
“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading