Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”


Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

Later, friends of the beleaguered minister dismissed suggestions that the young Letwin might have been motivated by racism.

“Not at all.” said fellow expenses enthusiast, David Willetts “No, it was the poor that Olly really hated, especially anyone in the public sector. It just so happened that black people were more likely to be poor and, as he said at the time, the NHS was full of them.”

Critics say Letwin despised the in-work poor even more than the unemployed out of jealousy, because he’d never had a proper job, but Willetts rejects this as psychobabble.

“Poverty was the key, his loathing was otherwise indiscriminate. But to return to the main point, by the time I got to know him Olly had plenty of black friends; a gardener and a houseboy for certain. And I think he had a punkawalla at Eton. Not in the sexual sense, obviously.”

Around Harold today, responses have varied “He’s got lovely eyebrows” said Louise ‘Syrupy’ Dawson whilst Emma Heath described him as “a revolting f*ckmuppet”.

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