Tag Archives: Michael Gove

Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics, referendum

Gove and Johnson warn of terrifying ‘leap into the known’ if Britain stays in EU

The safe option?

Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.

“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.

“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”

“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”

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Filed under EU referendum, idiots, News

Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Hard-core porn sites urged to block links to Conservative Party

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

IDS learns of benefit claimant deaths

The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (CEOP) has called on porn-mongers to protect on-line youngsters from the Conservatives

CEOP’s Alison Bright explains. “With teenagers being their biggest customers, they have a duty of care to the young & vulnerable. A kid could be quietly banging one out in his bedroom , to a laptopful of Roman orgy. Then, before he knows it, he sees a foam-flecked Grant Shapps on-screen, lying about something. Again.”

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Gove vows “I’ll find out if someone is responsible for education”

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Who might be responsible? Is it you Michael? Is it?

Michael Gove has blamed school governors, local authorities, the Education Funding Agency, Gerald, a lobster from Padstow, Ofsted and teachers for the ‘Trojan Horse’ scandal in Birmingham schools.

The Secretary of State for Education told a packed House of Commons of his concerns about the arrangements for monitoring schools.

“Yes, all those agencies are culpable, obviously. But what a shame there isn’t, say, one individual in charge of our education system.” said the Education Secretary to his stunned audience.

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Gove reduces GCSEs to a single question: ‘Are your parents rich?’

Pupils sit a GCSE maths exam at the Harris Academy South Norwood in south east London

GCSEs are very important and the knowledge you gain essential in real life. Said no one ever.

Michael Gove has today defended his controversial reform of GCSEs. By throwing out the entire curriculum and instead requiring pupils to simply answer the question ‘are your parents rich?’ the Education Secretary says the results will give a much more honest assessment of pupils’ future prospects. Continue reading

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Doctors who made lab-grown vagina ‘haven’t been home for three months’

A team of doctors in the USA who have successfully grown the first artificial vagina have been working so hard that none of them has left their laboratory for the last three months, it was revealed today.

artificial

And so portable!

Doctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Centre in North Carolina used pioneering technology to build a biodegradable scaffold onto which human cells attached before being grown in a bioreactor, producing a perfect replica of the human vagina.

The pioneering team in charge of this exciting work finally emerged from their laboratory complex this morning, pale and haggard from lack of sleep, some bent double almost unable to walk, such has been their dedication to this important work. Continue reading

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Labour now call for Cameron to ‘back’ Michael Gove

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With David Cameron’s unequivocal backing of Maria Miller leading to her resignation, The Labour Party are now calling on the Prime Minister also give his backing to Michael Gove.

“It’s in the whole country’s interest that Gove isn’t allowed anywhere near important education decisions,” Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harman said.

“So to make sure he knows he is not trusted to be education secretary anymore we are asking the Prime Minister to make it perfectly clear, and give him his full backing.

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Michael Gove releases sex tape to attract inward investment

Following his bizarre leaked claim that young entrepreneurs are attracted to London for “hot sex”, Michael Gove has now announced the release of the “Hot Gove Sex Tape”, featuring the education secretary vigorously shafting the UK teaching  system.

Michael Gove

“I’m enormous!”

It is hardly a surprise to see Mr Gove fucking up the nation’s schools, but horrified internet viewers were today seeking emergency counselling after glimpsing the fuzzy vision him pounding away at state schools, forcing his dogma onto them by the back door, and leaving education in the UK literally buggered.

“Sex sells,” claimed Gove in a breathless interview with Razzle magazine this morning, “And I’m the man to get those investors pumping liquidity into our system. My profile is enormous.”

It has long been a truism that “If it exists, there is porn of it”, but no-one ever thought this would extend to Gove. Even hard-core serial porn addicts who think nothing of, say, sex with badgers, have resorting to stabbing their own eyes out with forks, and the opt-in rate for the new Internet Pornography Filter has skyrocketed.

“We’re not surprised that Mr Gove would see himself as such as expert on sex,” insisted a Downing Street spokesman. “After all, he’s an attractive, rugged, glistening… excuse me a moment.” The press conference was then interrupted while a bucket was being sought.

Many commentators are seeing Gove’s leap into the erotic as a blatant publicity stunt in preparation for a future bid to lead the Conservative party. Furious at being for once overshadowed, London Mayor Boris Johnson’s immediate response was to launch a premium-rate phone line where, for huge charges, the worst kind of twisted pervert can hear him explain his vision for London.

When asked for the teaching profession’s view of Gove’s sex tape, National Union of Teachers Secretary Kevin Courtney issued a brief statement, saying simply: “What a massive prick.”

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Filed under Badgers, Education, Sex

Ofsted inspectors found to be roving pack of baboons

baboons

Ofsted chief inspector Sir Michael Wilshaw in combative mood yesterday

Following reports that many Ofsted inspectors do not have the skills or teaching experience needed to judge schools, is has emerged that what was assumed to be a body of humans is in fact largely made up of a roving pack of baboons, missing from London Zoo for several years.

The problem seems to have started as Ofsted became increasingly reliant on private firms to provide inspectors, with the obvious lack of quality controls that brings.

Motivated purely by profits, the outsourcing companies seem to have employed the cheapest inspectors possible, with the baboons undercutting even the foreign or dead candidates.

Many schools did not notice any difference at first, so low were their expectations of the inspectors, and suspicions only came to light after a recent think tank report mentioned that the majority of inspectors “Lacked teaching experience, and seemed to be covered in fur matted with faeces”. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Education, Nature

EXCLUSIVE: Guardian leaks Michael Gove’s new job title

sinister

Can you spot Gove’s new role?

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Tragedy narrowly averted as huge sinkhole opens up under Michael Gove

sinkholeGove

Narrow escape for all of us

Locals were celebrating a ‘lucky escape’ this morning as a sinkhole measuring 50 meters deep opened up without warning in High Wycombe, completely swallowing up Education Secretary Michael Gove.

Locals woke up in the village of Walter’s Ash to find the enormous hole had appeared over night. It was not realised that Gove had been visiting the village until one householder noticed his ego just visible over the edge of the huge pit.

“It’s a miracle no damage was done,” said a Buckinghamshire Fire Services spokesman. “I’ve got kids at a local state school, and I can’t stress enough what a lucky escape they’ve had.” Continue reading

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Filed under Education, Politics, Weather

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”

floodwater-home-flood-300

‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading

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‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

roach

Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading

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Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

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Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading

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“Slavery was ace”: Gove on a roll after his re-imagining of WWI

Dolores_Umbridge_(Promo_still_from_HP5_movie)_10-15-2009

We hear Gove we picture Delores Umbridge, it’s like an illness. Does anyone know any centaurs?

Having re-imagined the slaughter of World War One as more fun than bubbles, Education Secretary Michael Gove today set his sights on the slave trade complaining that for years “a liberal elite has portrayed slavery in a negative light criticising Britain’s pre-abolition role in it simply because this country played a significant role in it.” Continue reading

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Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Michael Gove school visit

Safe pair of hands at first slip

Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.

“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading

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Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead

Michael-Gove-looking-odd

Predator: do not let this man near your children

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.

“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading

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‘Territorial Surgeons’ to bring the terror back to surgery says Hunt

Double threat: this man is a pretend surgeon and a pretend soldier. But oh, isn't he dreamy?

Double threat: this man is a pretend surgeon and a pretend soldier. But oh, isn’t he dreamy?

A failure to recruit more part-time soldiers has led the government to look to other spheres of activity in which on-the-cheap volunteers with a keen survival instinct could help save taxpayers’ money.

“Bizarrely, it turns out volunteers aren’t that keen on dying in aid of next season’s Middle Eastern despot,” said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, “but there’s a remarkable overlap in the skill sets of pretend soldiers and pretend surgeons which the nation could exploit to good effect; a fondness for uniforms, heavy drinking, casual sex and seeing the insides of another human being spread out and covered in blood.” Continue reading

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