Claim you went here and got lots of O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts, no one will ever check
A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.
“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”
“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”
The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.
If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you
The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.
“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading
After solving the celebrity threesome case, the internet has outed Jeremy Clarkson for conducting a one-in-the-bed romp.
Speculation the presenter was involved in a steamy celebrity onesome intensified as Clarkson’s infatuation with himself become increasingly obvious. What started as knowing looks in the mirror and flirty notes to himself about his “top gear” quickly escalated into a full-blown self love affair that Clarkson openly conducted in front of viewers around the globe.
Bankrupt, both financially and morally.
In a tearful interview with ITN’s Robert Peston, David Cameron has been forced to disclose that he’s not the fabulously wealthy millionaire many of his inner circle believed.
“I feel conned,” said one city banker. “He’s not getting invited round my mansion again.”
Cameron spoke at length about how he was often on the verge of bankruptcy, how the mortgage company lay in wait, ready to repossess his home and sell it cheap at auction to a builder; and how he was forced to sneak down the food banks late at night disguised as a heroin addict and buy his suits from Oxfam.
“Samantha gives me earache every time I go overdrawn,” he said.
This is the first time Cameron has come clean about his true state of poverty. And properly wealthy members of his inner circle are already beginning to distance themselves from him for his hypocrisy.
Evans also enjoys playing golf. F**king golf.
- Chris Evans owns dozens of Ferraris, but he painted them white because red ones clash with his hair.
- Chris Evans has had it written into his contract that no star will be allowed to beat his lap time in a reasonably priced car, because he owns dozens of Ferraris.
- Owning dozens of Ferraris means that Chris Evans knows lots about cars, and it doesn’t make him an obvious wanker.
- Chris Evans does a lot of work for charity with his dozens of Ferraris, but doesn’t like to talk about it.
- Noel Edmonds once presented Top Gear. Noel Fucking Edmonds. He doesn’t even own dozens of Ferraris.
- Chris Evans once bought the most expensive car at auction, a Ferrari. He no longer remembers which one it is.
- Chris Evans impressed the BBC with his in-depth car knowledge. For instance, he can remember how much he paid for each of his dozens of Ferraris.
- Evans hasn’t grafted for years writing reviews of workaday cars for local newspapers, or founded a motoring press agency. But he makes up for this lack of experience with dozens of Ferraris.
- Quentin Wilson thinks Chris Evans will be perfect for Top Gear, but his opinion is worthless because he doesn’t own dozens of Ferraris.
- Evans will have security protection on set to avoid being hit by producers because he owns dozens of Ferraris.
The new team decide who to pick on first.
The BBC has announced exciting plans to gently manoeuvre the hit show ‘Top Gear’ away from the race track, and into the kitchen.
“Some fans have said that the show was never really about cars, it was in fact about the chemistry between three oafs”, revealed BBC Imagineer Ross Kelp.
“So why not get in some new presenters, teach them to be shits, and get them cooking at each other in Peru?”
With 73% of the BBC’s current output focussing on food, Kelp sees this as proof that now is the time to ‘apron up’.
In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.
The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.
“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”
“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading
London: tomorrow. Thanks liberal, SJW Guardianistas, thanks a lot.
A surprising source for the fire currently raging under central London has been revealed – God.
“In the BBC I am not well pleased,” the Supreme Being told us. “For, lo, I did most heartily love chilling out on Sunday nights and watching Jezza, Hamster and Captain Slow. Not a Holy Trinity but a wholly amusing one.” Continue reading
The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.
The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.
“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
Some oafs believe the world rotates around Clarkson.
Students at Harold’s Shining Future Academy will be allowed to miss lessons on Friday morning, so they can experience 35 minutes with a reduced view of Clarkson.
But teachers have warned that staring directly at Clarkson can cause a loss of perspective, and they worry about the effect he might have on pupils.
The Clarkson Eclipse is expected to start during the 8.00am news bulletins, but there’s a slim chance someone might not see it.
“It could be clouded out by more important news”, revealed headmaster Clive Morris, “such as the outbreak of nuclear war, an alien invasion, or…well, nothing else really. It’s such a big deal, if the hype is to be believed.”
Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page
David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.
“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading
He’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC and she’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC. Inescapable will-have-controversial-opinions-for-food mongers Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson have never been seen together causing many to wonder if they’re actually the same person. Continue reading
He won’t be the first professor on the show. Mary Beard is The Stig
The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.
Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading
Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading
At last, both hands free!
Following the successful launch of the self-driving car, Google announced today the prototype of the self-jerking penis, a landmark in automatic genital manipulation which will allow users to bring themselves to shuddering climax with no actual manual intervention.
After research showed that virtually 100% of search engine requests were from young men seeking pictures of boobies, the tech giant realised the enormous productivity gains which could be achieved by simply connecting the male organ directly to the internet and controlling up and down movements and tightness of grip by following a complex algorithm personalised for each user.
“We believe Google Toss (TM) will ensure unparalleled levels of efficiency, pleasure and safety for the masturbatory experience,” explained Gordon Renfrew, Vice Present for the internet of rude things at Google. “The self-jerking penis will free up up least 50% of the population to do more useful things, like changing gear or steering the car.”
SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.
Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.
The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.
“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.
“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
“Try sacking me now, ****ers!”
The patron saint of pub bores
In the wake of film coming to light that shows him using the n-word, Jeremy Clarkson has announced that he is to stand as an MP for Ukip in the Newark by-election.
“We’re delighted,” said Nigel Farage. ‘Ukip was been watching Jeremy’s performance for some time – an ignorant comment about Islam here, a Hitler salute there – and at last he’s met the required standards of racism to represent the party.” Continue reading
Health risk or nanny state?
Following the proposed ban on smoking in cars, more than 700 doctors and health experts have put their names to a letter urging MPs for a ban on parents filling their cars with deadly cobras when children are present.
The issue is due to be voted on in Parliament on Monday, and the doctors say the move is desperately needed “to protect children from harm, specifically from being bitten by deadly cobras.”
Filling cars with live poisonous snakes when children are in the rear seats is so much a part of British life that few people have ever questioned it, but a growing awareness of snake poisoning and decline in cobra ownership have seen the anti-snakes in cars movement growing. Continue reading
Filed under Health, Politics
Observers spot appallingly modified Range Rover near Wilmslow.
Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.
While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.
“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.
“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
Filed under News, Politics