Following the successful launch of the self-driving car, Google announced today the prototype of the self-jerking penis, a landmark in automatic genital manipulation which will allow users to bring themselves to shuddering climax with no actual manual intervention.
After research showed that virtually 100% of search engine requests were from young men seeking pictures of boobies, the tech giant realised the enormous productivity gains which could be achieved by simply connecting the male organ directly to the internet and controlling up and down movements and tightness of grip by following a complex algorithm personalised for each user.
“We believe Google Toss (TM) will ensure unparalleled levels of efficiency, pleasure and safety for the masturbatory experience,” explained Gordon Renfrew, Vice Present for the internet of rude things at Google. “The self-jerking penis will free up up least 50% of the population to do more useful things, like changing gear or steering the car.”
Industry observers remain sceptical of the wider appeal of penile automation. The general public may not be happy replacing their existing penis, and many are unconvinced that a computer could match the human technique of the greatest masturbators.
Jeremy Clarkson commented in The Times: “It’s laughable to think that any automatic wanking system could ever replace the skill and precision of the experienced masturbator, such as myself. The delicate grip, the nuances of steering – few would disagree that I’m the wanker’s wanker.”