Tag Archives: George Osborne

National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’


Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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George Osborne now using n-word in every speech


“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”

George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.

A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.

“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”

The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?


Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

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Public services cut to 1930s level: Chancellor makes time travel suck

Class divide- Two Eton schoolboys are appraised by three young cockneys outside Lord's in June 1937 as part of class distinction study

England 1937 and today

George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading

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‘Massive Cuts’ likely to be in government after election, warns IFS

If the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement fools the voters, the next government will feature ‘a bunch of cuts’, warned the Institute for Fiscal Studies yesterday.

But what might such a large number of cuts look like in practice? The Evening Harold investigates.


Massive cuts

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Chancellor’s Autumn Statement explained: it’s great being George Osborne


Because he’s happy! Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…

George Osborne delivered his Autumn Statement to the House of Commons earlier today kicking off a frenzy of press coverage and speculation. Finance can be very confusing so we at the Evening Harold have studied the matter in depth and can now cut through the dense thicket of economic burble and shenanigans to present this concise guide to what it all means. Continue reading

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Family-friendly policies. Cameron explains “I meant bankers’ families”


“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”

David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.

“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”

Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.

The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.

“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”

According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading

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Osborne’s cat’s escape bid fails, again.


Even Freya's sad face couldn't break Osborne's heart of stone

George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not been seriously injured but vets treating the tabby say after numerous failed attempts to escape from Osborne’s ownership, they may have to put her down on humanitarian grounds, namely being George Osborne’s cat.

“She was found by passers by looking broken, injured and on her last legs,” a vet treating her explained, “and then she got clipped by the car.

“It’s hard to tell why a cat would be so keen to leave its owner, but looking at Mr Osborne’s policies as chancellor gives us a fair indication.

“We can be confident that while him and his family were enjoying steak, caviar and the finest french wines,George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not bee Freya, or ‘that working class cat’ as she is affectionately, known is at the bottom of the food chain being fed scraps and stale bread with a side order of resentment at having to be fed.”

This is not the first time Freya has tried to better herself by running away from the chancellor’s Downing Streetppp residence. She has previously been found over a mile from her Westminster home before some do-gooder brought her back, kicking, screaming and scratching.

In 2011 she also became the first cat in history to call The Samaritans.

A spokesperson for Mr Osborne said: “We are grateful to everyone in stopping Freya getting ideas of mobility and freedom that are well above her station. He has said he will now introduce a wide range of policies that will ensure she knows her place going forward.”

Cats have become commonplace in Downing Street, with ‘Larry’ being drafted in to Number 10 to try and deal with a pest infestation. Although so far he has been unsuccessful at ridding the London Street of all its nasty rodents, it is hoped the electorate do a better job in 2015’s General Election.

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Osborne admits economic recovery is based on loom bands

Makes as much sense as the property price bubble

Makes as much sense as the property price bubble

The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading

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Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs


More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

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Concern as Osborne says Monty Python show gave him ‘lots of good ideas’


The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh

George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.

“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading

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George Osborne missing after Thames dive dare


Accurate representation of how worried the nation is about the missing Chancellor

Police launches are searching the Westminster stretch of the Thames for George Osborne who dived into the water while fooling around with House of Commons pals. Continue reading

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Osborne says ‘I respect Nigel Farage, Little Mix, Doctor Who and anyone else who’ll make me seem electable”


George playing bingo as he does most nights before having a pint then taking the whippet for a walk.

Speaking yesterday on BBC Radio 4 George Osborne abandoned default Tory scorn for Ukip and spoke of his respect for them and for Nigel Farage. Continue reading

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“Thanks for calling Samaritans. Press 1 for ‘I’m a bit sad …'”


We did find the ‘Samaritans’ logo but  we really like them and couldn’t resist the irony of: ‘Tesco, Charity & Trust’

A recent Government announcement means a big shake up  for all UK charities. “As a Conservative I detest the public sector as an article of faith but I loathe ‘something for nothing’ even more.” says charities minister Nick Hurd “So we’re nationalising bigger charities, before selling them on to friends, and generally buggering about with the rest. Sorry? Because we can, that’s why.”

Sadly, not all charities are easily monetised and Hurd cites Samaritans as the worst offender in this respect. “It’s almost as if the last thirty years of management analysis had simply passed them by. Basically they’re still just talking with people, which is plain daft and very labour-intensive”. Continue reading

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Elderly bigots delighted by Osborne’s Ukip budget


Mornings are not the time to have to cope with George Osborne’s face so here’s a picture of your reporter’s cat instead.

Elderly bigots across the country are enjoying their first full day of gains from a budget designed especially for them.

“This is a budget for the makers, the doers and most especially anyone who was thinking of voting Ukip in 2015,” said George Osborne. “We’re putting Britain further to the right, but the job is far from done.”

Osborne’s budget took 5p off the cover price of both the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, put a cap on the top price of World at War boxsets and abolished VAT on golfing equipment as well as on clothes bought at garden centres.

“Both the Tories and Ukip get the majority of their votes from the over fifty-fives,” explained the Chancellor. “This gave the budget a clear goal: appeal to the loons and sod everyone else. This isn’t about the standard of living or safe-guarding jobs this is about my standard of living and safe-guarding my job.”

However Osborne has denied that his budget was entirely focussed on wooing Ukip.

“I took a penny off a pint of beer and halved the duty on bingo. That’s what the proles like, isn’t it? Maybe next year I’ll also include something about football and tanning machines. That ought to do the trick.”

At the time of going to press no Ukip spokesperson was available for comment as they were too busy blaming the first day of spring on the fact that homosexuals can get married and resenting that the countryside is once more becoming bright and gay.

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Chancellor vows to end food bank bonus culture


Volunteers take up to ten minutes out of every shift to have a cup of tea. Is there no limit to their self-indulgence?

George Osborne has vowed to end food bank bonus culture calling the practice “grossly unfair” and “out of step with these times of austerity.”

The Chancellor’s declaration comes after the publishing of a report he commissioned into volunteer behaviour at food banks which saw spies infiltrate food banks up and down the country. Continue reading

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All welcome at Coalition Pancake Toss (terms and conditions apply)


A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself

In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading

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Chancellor says unbalanced economy is lovely


“More money for us.”

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Scots can’t leave UK and keep Buckfast Tonic Wine says Chancellor


Hands off, Scotland. This is England’s precious.

Though only six days have passed since David Cameron attempted to love bomb Scotland into voting against independence in the forthcoming referendum saying he couldn’t bear to see the “the most extraordinary country in history” torn apart, the government has now ditched the nice approach and gone for the jugular saying that Buckfast Tonic Wine would not be exported to an independent Scotland. Continue reading


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Channel 4 faces viewer backlash over benefits documentary ‘Downing Street’


At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.

Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading


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