Category Archives: Tony Blair

Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Tony Blair to close commercial enterprises to focus on war crimes

Pretty straight to the heart

Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.

“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.

“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”

“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”

“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”

When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass  murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.

“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”

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Filed under Politics, Tony Blair, War

Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

Leather_gimp_suit

Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair

Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

Joy turns to despair: It’s not Blair facing Iraq war crime trials

The fist of history biffs Blair in the face

“Am I a war criminal? Perhaps I’ll never know.”

Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.

At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.

“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Tony Blair, War

Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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Filed under News, Tony Blair

Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial

tony-blair

Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Chilcot realises he’s been enquiring into wrong Gulf War

Sir-John-Chilcot

Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.

The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
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Filed under Crime, Nostalgia, Tony Blair, War

Church backs campaign to ‘name our God’

I quite like Tony if anyone’s interested.

From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.

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Filed under International News, Religion, Tony Blair

Parliament’s favourite porn searches revealed.

David CameronFollowing a freedom of information request, the internet service provider which supplies broadband to the palace of Westminster has revealed what members of the two houses of parliament surf the web for during the really boring bits of government. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Labour, Politics, Sex, Social media, Society, Technology, Tony Blair, Tory sex scandal, Uncategorized

For Sale: Dead Weight

Stoned

Stoned

For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.

Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.

One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, idiots, Labour, Politics, smallads, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized