“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.
From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.
Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.
Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.
Angry French protesters, yesterday
The French Academy, guardian of all things cultural in France, has provoked a huge wave of protests throughout the country after announcing that outrageous French stereotypes will be banned.
For hundreds of years, non-French people have struggled with the problem of when to ride on an old-fashioned bicycle festooned with onions, and when to smoke an insouciant cigarette in a pavement café discussing experimental cinema, and the Academy has decided that modernisation is unavoidable.
“For zee last few ‘undred years, we ‘ave been, ‘ow you say, reediculed by zee Eenglish for zee vary French way we do zee theengs,” explained a spokeshomme from the Academy.
“In fact, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. I was putting on a silly accent right there, just through force of habit. Buggeure.”
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
Who do you think you’re kidding?
European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading
Some smart-a*se will tell us it’s a chimp not a monkey but they have them at Monkey World.
The Gates family love backpacking in the far-east but recently returned from a long weekend in a Cumbrian cottage, where they never went further than the dustbin.
“The quantity and quality of the tourist attractions was amazing. If the brochures were anything to go by.” said Gill, manager of Lacrymans & Co estate agents in Harold.
“We spent Friday and Saturday sorting them into sunny day/rainy day piles and Sunday weeding out duplicates.” added husband Alex “There were no fewer than 147 separate tri-fold A4 pages on Bovington Tank Museum alone.” Continue reading
A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary
EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.
The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.
“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading
Room for one thousand more on top.
David Cameron’s forehead is to be sent to the Syrian border camps to collect the 20,000 additional refugees the UK government has agreed to let live.
Aid agencies had been struggling to find a vessel large enough and empty enough to transport the refugees, and have welcomed the use of Mr Cameron’s forehead while he’s not using it. Continue reading
Mind the gap!
Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.
With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.
“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”
Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.
“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”
Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.
“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”
Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years
Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.
McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.
“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”
“So, our customs override their traditions, right?”
Eleanor Hawkins, the British backpacker accused of causing an earthquake by stripping off at the summit of a sacred mountain, has denied she or any of her fellow naked tourists engaged in any fracking activities.
Speaking from her cell in a Malaysian jail, the 26 year old, “I admit we took off our clothes for a group selfie, and I admit that we all urinated on the mountain. But wouldn’t anybody if they found that their leader had jokingly replaced the drinking water with champagne?” she asked defiantly. Continue reading
Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?
A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.
“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.
Lots of space and centrally located. Who could ask for anything more?
London, a city that currently has as many affordable houses as Kanye West has humble thoughts, is to offer a new living solution to those who aren’t swimming in coin when the tube begins running a twenty-four hour service.
“There are people out there too lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, earn a decent wage and buy a house,” said Boris Johnson. “But anyone can afford an Oyster card. And once on the tube permanent commuters, or ‘pooters’ as we’ll be branding them in a series of charming cartoons voiced by Joanna Lumley and David Walliams, can enjoy a luxury moving home right in the heart of our fabulous Qatari-owned capital.” Continue reading
Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold
Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.
Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.
Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.
That’s the one!!!
The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.
The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.
The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”
The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.
Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.
“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.
“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.
The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.
Filed under Health, Travel
A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.
“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.
“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”
Family will flee to Universal Studios in future.
A family from Harold has spoken of their desperate journey to Disneyland, after their passports were processed a bit slowly.
With time running out fast for the Smiths, dad Michael feared they may be forced to seek holiday in Norfolk. He wasn’t prepared to subject his two children to such a fate.
“We’d done everything right”, claimed Michael. “There was a good 16 hours to go until the ferry left at the point when I filled in the passport application forms. Then I popped them on the mantelpiece for Linda to take to the post office. And yet somehow, they still haven’t bloody arrived.”
After six years and £776m, Edinburgh’s new team service is ready to offer delayed services and the occasional cancelation.
The long awaited public transport system was due to start taking paying passengers at 5:00 this morning, as long as the drivers weren’t on strike, and is said to rival any other system in Britain.
‘Detective Dads’ line up to solve the mystery
Makers of the popular crime solving franchise have announced they are to set the latest ‘Crime Scene Investigation’ series on the M1 in Buckinghamshire.
With the successes of the original CSI, CSI New York, and CSI Miami, producers of the hit show are hoping CSI Rubberneckers will highlight the skills used to solve car crashes on main arterial routes, often by detectives whose qualifications come from watching back-to-back episodes of ‘Motorway Cops’ on the iPlayer.