It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.
Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading
Comments Off on Revealed: How Obama solved the Iraq bombing dilemma
Filed under International News, Politics, War
Nothing to see here, comrade.
Uncertainty surrounds the movement of an enormous wooden horse approaching east Ukraine from Russia after Ukrainian officials said there could definitely be something fishy about the whole business.
The horse, measuring roughly the size of a division of infantry stacked in a pile, is currently stalled in the Voronezh area, some 300 miles from Moscow. Observers said the horse appeared to be abandoned, but noted the muffled noise of troop manoeuvres coming from ‘somewhere hollow nearby’.
There have been fears Russia could use the horse in some way to launch a surprise offensive in Ukraine, but military experts think this is unlikely.
UK army spokesman Brigadier Lethbridge-Lethbridge pointed out to journalists that the day of the military horse was very much in the past.
“Hard to see how the Russians could get any tactical advantage out of this,” he confirmed. “A large, harmless although surprisingly heavy wooden animal has almost no use on the battlefield whatsoever. Our own tests with mahogany giraffes were a miserable failure.”
A Red Cross spokesman insisted the horse convoy was nothing to do with them, but asked the Ukrainian authorities to consider the potential humanitarian benefits before refusing it. “Our thoughts are with the civilians that have seen their families and homes torn apart in the conflict,” he insisted. “It might not be obvious how much help a gigantic hollow grazing animal could be, but it’s the thought that counts, surely.”
“Provocation by a cynical aggressor is not permissible on our territory,” Ukrainian Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement today. “We expect nothing more than treachery from the Russian aggressor, and for that reason we are proposing to tow the horse right into the middle of our capital city and then leave it alone all night. That should show them.”
Comments Off on Ukraine ‘not entirely happy’ about large wooden horse approaching from Russia
Filed under International News, War
Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish
The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.
Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.
“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading
Filed under Food, International News, Nature
Omnipresent
Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.
Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
Nice to see you!
A newly discovered cave painting in Spain has caused archaeologists to reassess their opinion of Sir Bruce Forsyth’s age, with the new estimate placing him at over 40,000 years old.
The painting, found in the caves of Monte Castillo in Cantabria, Spain, show Forsyth in his signature pose flanked by a pair of what have been described as ‘dolly birds’. Continue reading
Embarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.
Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading
Sorry Usain, daddy couldn’t make it.
Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.
Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading
Filed under News
“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
Still going
The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.
This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading
“Moi, out of touch?”
Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.
Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones
“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading
Filed under International News, News, Politics
An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities
An outbreak of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.
According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading
Currently on the run: may be delusional.
England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.
Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading
Unacceptable face of Brits abroad
Alcohol-fuelled British antics have reached a new low after an elderly monarch shocked the nation by publicly performing the whisky-assisted naming of an aircraft carrier, merely to earn a tax-free Sovereign Grant of £36.1 million.
The woman, who has not yet been named, is believed to be an 88-year-old Queen from Britain.
Video of the sordid two-minute “launching” in the Scottish resort of Rosyth has sparked outrage on the internet and among politicians.
Wearing pale blue, the monarch moved from one local dignitary to the next to the cheers of revellers, before tossing a litre of Scotch expertly onto the prow of a boat.
One of the men involved said everyone in the celebration was “delighted”. The reveller, named only as Philip, 93, said: “It was a ceremony that got completely out of hand. The woman was being encouraged to shake hands more and more, and was told it would be a great honour if she would take part. I feel sorry for her, she must feel awful this morning.”
“May God bless her and all who sail in her,” he added.
Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation
A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.
Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading
” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.
In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”
Comments Off on Rolf Harris jailed for naming his daughter Bindi
Filed under Crime, News, Showbusiness
The officially approved NHS logo
The Health Secretary confirmed that the Government is to publish the dossier which details every blunder currently possible under the National Health Service.
Speaking in Parliament, Jeremy Hunt confirmed that the publication of the so called “Catalogue of Errors” will enable patients to choose which bungle they would prefer in the probable likelihood of an error taking place. Continue reading
Kim settles down at the Rovers.
The Queen of Reality TV, Kim Kardashian, is reported to have accepted a role on Coronation Street; television’s longest running soap opera.
According to insiders, scenes have already been filmed in which curvaceous Kim, 33, has been cast as a barmaid and distraction for Steve McDonald, the landlord of the Rovers Return. Continue reading
Comments Off on Sensational Exclusive! Kim Kardashian set to appear in Coronation Street
Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness
The baboon is on the left.
“I first had an inkling when I saw that photograph of the wind lifting Kate’s dress above her waist,” said Professor Luke Thorne. “Immediately the thought ‘baboon’ flashed across my mind and I decided to investigate.” Continue reading
“Just a few finishing touches needed”
With 48 hours to go to the kick off it was clear that a lot of work was still required, but the head groundsman was pleased to report that the field was looking more ready for football with the goal nets having been hung on the runner bean poles now relocated to either end of the ground. Continue reading
Let them eat fruitcake
There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.
By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading
You must be logged in to post a comment.