“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!
Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.
“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”
“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”
A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.
The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News
“No, they all taste like that. Don’t worry.”
Serial tax-system-rapists, Starbucks will open a store in Milan next year, says CEO Toby Green. “We open in Milan, then further stores will be rolled out across the country. Think of waves of Sherman tanks in 1943.”
“Basically, we’ll f%ck the Italian treasury up the a%se from Sicily to the Swiss border, with Rohypnol-laced champagne cocktail parties and our tried-and-trusted off-shore profits, on-shore losses tax strategy. It worked like a dream in the UK. Well, we told them it was a dream.”
Once the whole country has been impoverished, the Starbucks outreach team will return to Milan. “Italian culture gave us espresso, Ferraris and more recently, multi-million dollar compensation packages.” says Green “and we want to demonstrate our respect for that culture and tradition.”
“So when we get back to Milan we’ll be hanging their Finance Minister from a lamp-post in the Piazzale Loreto.”
Armed Police visit the home of a child rape victim, to tell her parents to stop whining
South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police
“You’d better send an ambulance, the driver looks as if he’s seen a ghost town”
Of the 2,010 motorists clocked by police at over 100mph in the last year, over 2,000 were on the M1 in Bedfordshire, scurrying away from Luton, with their accelerator pedals crushed into the carpet.
The highest speed recorded though was 156mph on the A1(M) in Cambridgeshire. The driver had unwittingly booked a weekend at a Premier Inn in Bedfordshire, unaware Continue reading
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Filed under Law and Order, Motoring, News, Police
“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”
Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.
Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.
“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading
Mock-up of front page. Final version will be in Comic Sans and have a 50p logo
The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End
Policemen ‘just happened’ to be rummaging around in women’s underwear
Following the reporting of Meth found hidden in a shipment of bras, Australian police have announced the discovery of crack apparent in the pants of a middle aged male border guard.
“The crack was initially highlighted by our sniffer dogs, which we had to forcibly drag away from it. Continue reading
“The chicks love red”
Roman Catholics are reeling this morning, after revelations that a well-known Polish Pope’s bestie was what the Vatican is describing simply as ‘a woman’.
“No cock, no balls either.” agreed Vatican chief press officer, Federico Lombardi, who admitted he was baffled by the concept of friendship between two people of different genders.
“Nothing down there at all, as far, as we could tell, so obviously there was no sexual activity.”
“In any event, she was an adult, so we’re really struggling to find a motivation for the two liking each other”
Hunt: “I’ve been listening” Junior Doctors: “The voices in your own head don’t count!”
Jeremy Hunt says his decision to impose a new junior doctors’ contract was primarily intended to make a difference to NHS industrial relations.
“When I took over from Andrew Lansley, some people in the NHS, who really should have known better, told me that staff morale couldn’t get any lower. But since then, I’ve gone that extra mile – Monday to Friday, school term times only – and proved those naysayers wrong.” Continue reading
Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet
Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.
Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.
“We lack depth in the £77 seat area, Continue reading
Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic
Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.
Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.
“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, News, Sport
” Oh no, she’s still alive isn’t she?”
EU ‘inners’ and ‘outers’ have both prayed in aid the late Margaret Thatcher, leaving many uncertain about which way she wants them to vote.
Norman Tebbit who’s cadaverous appearance lends weight to his claim to know Mrs Thatcher’s current views, has been widely quoted across all news media, dismissing claims that she would vote Continue reading
You there, just stop it. Pfft, this rehabilitation is a piece of piss
An array of prisoner rehabilitation schemes, that won’t actually happen, has been announced by David Cameron. These won’t begin later this year, in several poorly managed pilots.
“Evidence shows that carefully planned, targeted initiatives can reduce reoffending.” said the PM “Putting them into practice costs money though, so we’re just going to talk about them instead for publicity, which costs us nothing … this is my best side, thanks.”
“Think of this as the criminal justice system’s Northern Powerhouse or Troubled Families Programme; it will get lots of attention but won’t really exist. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics
“It will only seem like an eternity”
Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.
An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.
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Filed under Entertainment, music, News, Showbusiness, TV
A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact
As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.
Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.
Filed under Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, News, science
Cock, with a lot to smile about
A Tory MP who totally accidentally forgot to record £400K of extra-parliamentary bunce, says “It completely slipped my mind.”
Geoffrey Cox had referred himself to the Commissioner in October, as soon as the unfortunate oversight came to light.
Look, I’m a busy QC.” he explained, patiently “It’s a very important role, which rightly takes up a huge amount of my time. I can’t be expected to remember all the petty rules of my part-time MP job. Anyway, I’m not there that much so, when I am, I have to focus on claiming expenses.”
You there, do you really need those crutches?
David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.
“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”
Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice
A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”
The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.
“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Europe, News, Politics
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