New newspaper will target people who don’t read newspapers

Mock-up of front page. Final version will be in Comic Sans and have a 50p logo

The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is  aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End

Phillips says she is targeting “the ‘I still sound-out words’ reader with only 30 minutes to spare. That’s three tens and no units. Our paper will provide what they need to know and what they need to know is 1) Tories are shits and 2) they should always vote Labour”. The paper will be running a weekly series, with illustrations, on how to mark an X on a ballot paper.

“I predict that this will be such a massive success” says Phillips confidently “that the internet will be out of business by the end of the year.”

Thanks go to roving reporter John Hassall