Anyone got any ideas?
David Cameron’s lack of response to a tweet sent to him by Rachel Johnson, sister of golden retriever with a head injury and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, has caused widespread unrest in Harold. Instead of going about their usual morning routines residents are monumentally distracted as they ponder the question Why are you such an egg faced **** finding themselves unable to move on.
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“See? Everyone likes me.”
London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.
Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.
In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.
Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”
The smell of Christmas
A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.
Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.
The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.
“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.
“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Lifestyle
The working class. This was a documentary, right?
David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.
“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading
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For some reason she’s got a whole page to herself in it
Following on from the recent launch of their own currency Isis has taken another commerce-focussed break from dragging the world back to the 12th century and leaving it there. Briefly embracing modern life once more they’ve released Isis sticker packs and an album to put them in. Continue reading
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It’s a hard knock life
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If a man whose work shortened the war by two years was destroyed by the state for being gay; who knows what they would have done back in the 1950s to Graham Norton for presenting insipid chat shows.
This World War II movie is a story of the relationship between eccentric mathematical genius, Alan Turing played annoyingly well by Benedict Cumberbatch, and his one true love Christopher, the machine that he created to crack the Nazi enigma codes at the top-secret Bletchley Park.
To break the monotony of frustrated ex-public schoolboys, an alluring Keira Knightley is introduced as a brilliant crossword solver, however it turns out that the gay Turing is not for turning. In a touching scene towards the end of the film, Turing declares his devotion to the whirring Christopher leaving Keira to seek a boffin elsewhere. Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, Showbusiness
So proud
Only hours after backtracking on their decision to welcome Ched Evans back to the club, Sheffield United have caused more controversy by announcing that despised ‘pick-up artist’ Julien Blanc will begin training with them on Monday.
Blanc has been struggling with fitness after legal difficulties prevented him from being loathsome in several countries, and the Sheffield club are believed to have offered him facilities to practise choking, grabbing and being an arsehole.
“We’re enormously proud,” explained manager Nigel Clough. “We feel that just because he’s a revolting piece of slime, he shouldn’t be prevented from making a living.”
“We might have been a bit naive with the whole Ched Evans thing, but who could possibly have thought that anyone would be unhappy about us welcoming back a rapist? It’s a funny old world.”
“Anyway, this time we really think we’ve got it right – surely no-one can complain about Julien Blanc.”
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The fruit plate
The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.
Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.
“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”
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Filed under Royals, Troubled Families
If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.
As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.
“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”
Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.
“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”
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‘Till death do us part …
Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.
Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.
“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.
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Filed under Crime, International News
That’s the one!!!
The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.
The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.
The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”
The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.
Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.
“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.
“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.
The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.
You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?
With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.
Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.
In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”
Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading
Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?
The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.
“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”
“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”
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He can see his ears without looking in a mirror
Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK. Continue reading
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Will we cope without them? Yes.
ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is damaging the nation’s IQ. Continue reading
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“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”
Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.
“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading
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You can’t all have bloody shot me!
Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.
Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.
Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.
Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.
Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.
The suspects will include:
Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.
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Zzzzzzz!
Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.
“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”
“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Media, News
The Daily Bollocks
The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.
In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.
Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”
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