Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | February 6, 2015 · 2:15 pm

“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

train ticket

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Ratings crash: Miliband may have been unconscious at the wheel

Ed… Ed ……. Is he asleep? ED!!

The leader of a political party which careered out of control in Scotland says he has no memory of the crash, or events which led up to it.

Ed Miliband told the Evening Harold that although he understands Scottish Labour MPs want answers, he’d been unconscious for several years and could not remember anything.

Labour’s former-leader in-waiting says that he had no problems before 2010, apart from letting energy companies get away with murder when he was Energy Secretary. “But after that things are just a blur”.

The party went out of control in Westminster, shortly after his brother lost the leadership election and then crashed right across the UK, before being written off in a slow-motion Scottish catastrophe shortly after September 2014.

In a statement yesterday Mr Miliband said “I want to be able to reach out to the soon-to-be-ex Labour MPs and their families. Does anyone know who they are and where they live?”

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by | February 5, 2015 · 6:57 am

Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

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The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading →

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by | February 3, 2015 · 11:00 am

“Racist” diaries halt Cumberbatch’s campaign to pardon Alan Turing

Another regrettable publication from the past

Another regrettable publication from the past

The campaign led by Benedict Cumberbatch to gain pardons for gay men who were persecuted by the state for the indecency laws of the time, has had a major setback after evidence has come out showing that homosexual men of the era were just as racist as everyone was in those days.

Recently discovered diaries of Alan Turing, mathematical genius and Cumberbatch’s’ best chance of bagging an Academy Award have suggested that Turing had the same prejudiced attitudes towards the black community as everyone else in the early 1950’s as illustrated by the following shocking  extract. Continue reading →

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by | February 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Campaign for Celebrity Big Brother to last forever continues to grow

celebrity-big-brother-2015-housematesHundreds of thousands of people a day are signing the online petition for Celebrity Big Brother to last without evictions until the wolf eats the sun.

Campaign organiser and Harold resident Jane Hough says that she is pleased but not surprised by its success. Continue reading →

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by | February 1, 2015 · 1:23 am

“It’s just performance art that got out of hand” Guardian newspaper confesses that it’s not real

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Alan Rusbridger: Guardian editor

Flamboyant artist Alan Rusbridger has admitted that the Guardian newspaper is merely a performance art piece that got way out of control.

“I never imagined it would be so popular,” said Rusbridger. “All we do is troll our readers by insisting that everything but everything is sexist and racist and claiming to love the Lib Dems.” Continue reading →

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by | January 31, 2015 · 9:00 am

Has Halifax helped a man who didn’t give extra?

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Stephanie knows if you’ve been naughty or nice. Or is that Santa?

The Advertising Standards Authority is investigating whether the Halifax bank might have deliberately lent money to a lazy oaf described by colleagues as ‘one of life’s takers’.

Other banks might give such assistance with impunity. However, Halifax’s claim that ‘people who give extra should get extra back from their bank’, means the advertising watchdog is looking at how the company actually weeds out the sluggards from the grafters.

“We’ve not found anything yet.” said an ASA spokesperson “Indeed, after only a few moment’s moderately hard thinking, we realised it was probably impossible. There’s nothing on the loan application form about it.”

“If we can’t come up with something soon, we may have to ask George Osborne how he sorts out hard-working taxpayers from the rest of us.”

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by | January 30, 2015 · 7:00 am

Iain Duncan Smith declares Dippy the Dinosaur fit for work

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Beautiful hall, beautiful Dippy. Far too lovely for us to caption sarcastically.

Iain Duncan Smith has personally intervened in the case of Dippy the Dinosaur saying that she can’t retire after many years of being worth the visit on her own at the Natural History Museum.

“Being replaced by a blue whale is no excuse to go off and shirk in a cupboard,” said Duncan Smith. “I’ve seen the Flintstones and that famous documentary on working class life shows us that Dippy can easily find a job in a quarry both mining rocks and providing an easy means of exit for co-workers.” Continue reading →

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by | January 29, 2015 · 6:45 am

Karma, police: no alarms and no surprises as police that guard royals and politicians turn out to be bent

Gun-cop

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes – quick the custard has ipsos in it

In the last five years over sixty Met police officers in the diplomatic protection squad which guard politicians and royals, yes even Prince Edward, have been done for misconduct.

“It’s weird,” said Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley. “It’s almost as if when you tell someone they’re superior to the rest of us and allow them to stay in a privileged position unchallenged and pretty much unaccountable for years that they will start to abuse their power more or less by default. And some of the officers guarding these arseholes have behaved quite badly too.” Continue reading →

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by | January 28, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Apple to buy Greece as a holiday home

Already contains plenty of white

Already contains plenty of white

Shortly after announcing record profits Apple CEO, Tim Cook, has revealed that the US technology giant is set to buy Greece and use the debt-ridden European country as a holiday home.

The $18bn profit for three months ending December 2014 is the biggest quarterly profit ever made by a public company, and Cook has decided to spend it on ‘something nice’ for Apple’s staff to use.  Continue reading →

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by | · 10:47 am

Irish pub opens on Mars

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O’Bradbury’s: open 24.39/7

Having entirely conquered the globe serving-up Guinness from Brazzaville to Beijing the phenomenon of the Irish pub has gone intergalactic with the first one opening on Mars.

“It’s not too soon,” said manager Cat Magill. “It’s never too soon for a wee place with black-and-white pictures on the wall of people looking really miserable toiling in some fields or slightly miserable watching camogie which idiots think it’s more ‘authentic’ than other pubs.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Liverpool to hire out Balotelli for children’s parties

balotelli

When asked about his stupid hair, he said it was still there, under the wig.

After confirming that Mario Balotelli will not be leaving Liverpool during the January transfer window, Brendan Rodgers has also revealed that the out of favour striker will be available for short-term hire for children’s parties.

The club are hoping to cover a portion of the Italy international’s wages by charging by the hour for him to entertain children with classic routines such as ‘trying to put a training bib on’ and ‘opting to shoot from thirty yards when several teammates are better placed’. Continue reading →

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by | January 27, 2015 · 11:00 am

World to get much more war-ish as lovely, soothing Cadbury’s chocolate banned in US

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This won’t calm anyone down after a tough day. It tastes like arse and not in a good way.

The globe is set to be stricken with an increase in drone attacks and attempts at bringing democracy to places now that decent chocolate has been taken off the shelves across the United States.

“I’m already feeling a lot more tense,” said US Secretary of State, John Kerry. “Without a Freddo to get me through my afternoon slump I’m much more quick-tempered and prone to making mistakes at work. And in my job if I mess up I’m taking you all down with me.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Benedict Cumberbatch joins UKIP

cumberbatch

Take this. I’m off to save the pound.

After facing criticism for calling black people  ‘coloured’ on US television, Benedict Cumberbatch has confirmed he has gone one step further and become a member of UKIP.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage was reportedly ‘delighted’ at finding someone else rich, white and gaffe-prone to help replace the increasing numbers of his party who are defecting to even more extreme right-wing organisations, like the Conservative Party.

Cumberbatch swiftly issued an apology for his ‘incorrect’ and ‘offensive’ use of the phrase, saying: ‘I’m devastated to have caused offense by using this outmoded terminology.”

“I appreciate that by accidentally using one word instead of another word I have committed the ultimate crime, for which no punishment can ever be sufficient, no humiliation too great. And so I have decided to join UKIP.” Continue reading →

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by | January 24, 2015 · 4:33 am

Shock as sociopathic leader revealed to have been chums with Gaddafi

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“…I’ve been with you such a long time, You’re my sunshine…”

Tent-loving dead bloke Muammar Gaddafi was friends with Tony Blair. A revelation that has done profound damage to the former President of Libya’s posthumous reputation.

“Gaddafi would be horrified to know that the world has become aware he was pen pals with a war-mongering religious fanatic,” Libyan reporter Moha Hassan Maziq told us. “To have his name linked publicly with such a controversial figure would’ve been a cause of great sadness and concern.” Continue reading →

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by | January 22, 2015 · 11:30 am

Continual weather warnings blamed as motorway drivers abandon cars despite perfect conditions

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Blizzard conditions on the M1 near Harold

Despite perfect driving conditions, there was traffic chaos yesterday when motorists abandoned their cars on motorways following the umpteenth severe weather forecast this week.

Police struggled to keep traffic moving as one by one, drivers pulled onto the hard shoulder and started making their way on foot along the motorways towards the dubious sanctuary of service stations carrying spades and thermos flasks, anxiously looking at the sky.

Eventually most of the motorway network of the South of England was closed.

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by | · 7:00 am

Windows 10 to come with free hand job

windows10

At last!

Microsoft has announced that its new Windows 10 operating system will come with a free hand job for every user, in an attempt to increase popular uptake.

Windows 8, which suffered from a confusing touch-screen interface and no hand job, has only reached a 10% market share, leaving Microsoft shareholders disappointed and consumers squirming in agonies of sexual frustration.

Analysts are predicting that the new version of Windows could take off in a big way, reversing a decline going back to the catastrophic decision to package every copy of Windows Vista with a free kick in the goolies.

“Microsoft has listened to what its customers want,” explained industry expert and keen self-abuser Florian Munter. “What they want is a familiar interface, with solid performance. And a hand job.” Continue reading →

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by | January 21, 2015 · 5:46 am

Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’

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This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding

Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.

“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading →

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by | January 20, 2015 · 10:50 am

Miliband invoiced £15.95 for Labour Party no-show

miliband_invoiceEd Miliband has been sent an invoice for “not showing up” in his position as head of the Labour Party.

Mr Miliband apparently agreed to lead the party in 2010, but subsequently seems to have realised he had something else planned, at least, that’s the only way to explain his seeming invisibility.

“It’s like he just couldn’t be bothered to show up,” complained TUC General Secretary and mother of two Frances O’Grady. “We wouldn’t mind, but we paid for the charisma training.”

“I got the invoice this morning,” admitted Miliband to journalists. “They said they would take me to the small claims court if I don’t pay. I just think it’s really unfair. I’m the Leader of the Opposition, I think”

Legal experts believe it is actually unlikely that Miliband will be forced to pay the bill. The  Evening Harold’s Legal correspondent insisted: “A legal contract can only be made with a fully-mature grown adult. We think that says it all.”

 

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by | · 3:07 am

Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

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Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?

Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.

“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading →

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