Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | November 7, 2015 · 10:15 pm

Minutes’ silence at Festival of Remembrance is welcome relief after Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart’s singing

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

Pensioner Rod invokes the horror of war

There was a collective sigh of relief at this evening’s annual Festival of Remembrance when the traditional two minute’s silence finally commenced after the onslaught of the ‘popular’ songsters introduced to bring the 1914-18 Great War bang up to date.

It’s not often that the start of the solemn moment is met with a cheer from the audience at the Royal Albert Hall however the pain and suffering inflicted by the bombardment of howitzers from Pixie Lott and Rod Stewart took many onlookers back poignantly to the horrors of trench warfare and the cease fire brought about by the silence was greeted with much the same delight as the signing of the Armistice all those years ago. Continue reading →

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by | November 6, 2015 · 1:10 am

PM hurries holidaymakers home from Egypt so they can be killed by IDS instead of Isis

A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity

David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.

“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading →

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by | November 2, 2015 · 3:10 pm

Dense fog sees BMW drivers back off to safe distance of seven inches

There's a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn't got any lights on

There’s a BMW in there somewhere, he just hadn’t got any lights on

Advice to drivers to leave larger spaces between them and the car in front in thick fog has seen some BMWs backing off to up to seven inches from the car ahead of them.

With heavy fog covering much of Britain today, driving conditions have become difficult, but BMW drivers have done their bit by tailgating very, very slightly less aggressively, and leaving a gap big enough for a very small dog to squeeze through. Continue reading →

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by | October 31, 2015 · 8:00 am

Vicar ‘exhumed graves for Halloween’

grave

 

In a protest against the rampant commercialisation of Halloween, a vicar in Harold has dug her heels in and cracked open a number of graves.

“Some of the pricey tat in the high street wouldn’t spook even the most recently bereaved”, said Rev. Tansy Forster.

“But dig up their aunt, pop a tealight in their mouth, and you’ve got something terrifying for under a pound.” Continue reading →

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by | October 30, 2015 · 8:07 am

Blair to be thrown from yacht and drowned under ‘Maxwellisation’ process

yacht

Where’s Tony?

The ‘Maxwellisation’ process which has delayed the Chilcot Iraq War enquiry will mainly involve throwing former Prime Minister Tony Blair from a yacht, it emerged today.

The process, named after the practical measures taken in disposing of evil megalomaniac Robert Maxwell, involves the ‘accidental’ drowning and/or disappearance at sea of a person too unpleasant to deal with in any other way.

Blair’s reluctance to be weighted down and hurled into the ocean is believed to be one reason behind the extreme delay in finishing the enquiry.

“People are blaming me,” explained enquiry chief Sir John Chilcot, “But they don’t realise the time it takes to persuade a man like Blair that everyone would be better off if he was just tied up and dropped into a large body of water. I’m doing my best.”

At first it was hoped that the former Prime Minister would consent to being strapped to a pile of bricks and dropped into the North Atlantic, but after negotiation with his advisers this punishment was reduced to being gently pushed into the warmer waters five miles off Antibes in the Mediterranean.

Hopes that Blair could be weighed down with the broken dreams of a million dead Iraqis were deemed to be more poetic than practical.

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by | October 29, 2015 · 2:16 pm

Pile of garbage ignored by cleaners who thought it was modern art

art-installation

But is it rubbish?

Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.

The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading →

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by | October 28, 2015 · 8:18 am

New Lloyd Webber superhero appears wherever inequality is threatened

andrew lloyd webber

“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”

The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.

Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off.  Continue reading →

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by | October 27, 2015 · 3:50 pm

Conservatives astonished to learn of an unelected second chamber

david-cameron_pensive

Just down the corridor you say?

Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.

Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.

Continue reading →

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by | October 23, 2015 · 6:49 am

Nation afraid to admit it thinks James Bond is crap

Daniel Craig - New James Bond movie Casino Royale

Pfffffffft

As another James Bond tits ‘n’ explosions spectacular hurtles into cinemas this weekend a shock poll has discovered that most UK adults are about as interested in 007 as they are in finding a way to have a lot less sex.

“Problem is it can’t be spoken of,” said one poll respondent. “Being a fan of James Bond is part of being British. You can’t say you think he’s a dull and violent cockwomble any more than you can say you don’t know what Mary Berry is for and didn’t laugh when Del Boy fell through the bar.” Continue reading →

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by | October 22, 2015 · 4:15 pm

Police should follow Cameron’s example of appointing me as Britain’s first black Home Secretary says Theresa May

theresamaybonkers

Britain’s first black Home Secretary

Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.

Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2015 · 11:00 am

“I’ll raise issues with Chinese President if he gives permission and tells me what to say” vows PM

Xi-Jinping-david-c_3164202b

Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him

David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.

“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.” Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2015 · 8:00 am

Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading →

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by | October 13, 2015 · 3:00 pm

Rogue community “Fed up” with being blamed for everything at work

ArthurDaley

“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”

Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.

You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.

From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.

And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.

“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.

“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”

However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.

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by | · 8:16 am

Corbyn fails to refute Time Lord rumours

Corbyn's mission is to save the planet from Tories

Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories

Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.

“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”

“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading →

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by | October 12, 2015 · 2:12 am

‘I’m just a creepy arsehole’ drone user refutes allegation that he’s a photographer

flying-drone

Searching for this image we found a company that specifically markets drones to children. What has become of us?

Drone user Tim Trotman has hit back at villagers who assume he’s harassing them with his buzzing git machine as part of an art project.

“People keep asking me when they can see the final thing and what it’s all supposed to mean,” a visibly frustrated Trotman told us. “I’m not a photographer or any kind of artist. I got the drone to annoy people and record their comings and goings for no reason other than that I can. I’m just a creepy arsehole and the village needs to accept this.”

Local police officer PC Flegg says that there’s nothing she can do to stop Trotman taking to the sky just to hack people off.

“There aren’t may laws against surveillance any more,” she said. “But to reassure everyone I’ll be monitoring Mr Trotman’s activities on the village’s extensive CCTV network and anyone who’s really worried about their privacy being eroded should tweet or Facebook about it.”

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by | October 9, 2015 · 2:05 pm

“Where’s all the NHS cash gone?” Asks shocked Jeremy Hunt

jeremyhunt2

Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally

Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.

“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading →

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by | October 8, 2015 · 3:45 pm

Book seller to focus on book sales

booksinpiles

Need no batteries

In a surprising move, Harold’s largest book retailer is to stop selling electrical goods and replace them with books.

James Daunt, the managing director of Musty Books, said: “We were told that paper was old hat and the future was in stuff that could be plugged in, especially from Amazon”.

“So we shifted out the paperbacks to the local Oxfam, and stocked up on microwaves, irons, kitchenaids and nutribullets Continue reading →

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by | October 5, 2015 · 2:02 pm

Osborne warned against yachting holidays after Maxwellising Local Government pensions

george-osborne-looking-mad

89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.

Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.

“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:50 am

Idiots arguing over plastic bag tax to be charged 5p

tumblr_nl4l7nOOWG1s1vn29o4_1280

Even a sea cucumber could understand. Now be quiet, you’re holding up the queue

 

Selfish morons who waste everyone’s time at supermarket checkouts arguing the toss over the plastic bag tax will be charged an extra five pence from today.

“Anyone claiming that they don’t understand must pay,” said Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold supermarket Guntco’s. “By using a shop a customer is clearly demonstrating that they are familiar with the concept of paying for things so getting the arse over plastic bags will result in them having to pay the stupidity tax as well.” Continue reading →

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by | October 3, 2015 · 8:26 am

Where’s our hoverboards? Scientists urged to get a shift on as Back to the Future deadline approaches

hoverboard2

We want those trainers and that board, and we want them now

Scientists across the globe are coming under increasing pressure to deliver as October 21st 2015, aka the day Marty McFly arrived in the future, gets closer.
“It’s getting intense,” local inventor Dr Rachel Guest said. “Every time I nip down the shops people are asking me why I’m walking, why we’re all still walking, and complaining about how much time they have to waste each day tying up their shoelaces.” Continue reading →

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