“… I must just splutter, look bemused, and tousle my hair for a bit”
Ego-warrior Boris Johnson has reversed a ban on his Mayor of London staff opposing Brexit, which appeared to reveal him as a massive hypocrite. He also offered his sincere apologies to anyone who’d foolishly thought him a man of unimpeachable integrity.
“As soon as I knew I’d been rumbled Continue reading
Are you thinking what he’s thinking? Shame on you!
Low-paid workers are celebrating the UK Chancellor’s decision not to end tax relief on pension contributions.
“I was sick with worry, about it,” said Carly Jeffery, a Teaching Assistant from the English village of Harold “so this is a great weight off my mind.”
“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”
A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.
The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News
Still a less weird Brexit supporter than Farage
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and keen Hollyoaks fan, Cthulhu, has declared its support for the UK leaving the European Union.
“I think it will be easier to rise from the stone city of R’lyeh and usher in an era of madness that will destroy humans’ minds along with civilisation itself when the UK is unable to so easily sign European players to the Premiership and the cost of flights has increased slightly,” it said. Continue reading
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Down with this sort of thing or hooray for Hollywood?
François Hollande has warned David Cameron that Britain must support the remake of Ghostbusters whose trailer was launched today. At a summit with David Cameron to discuss whether tampering with the memory of the beloved 1980s original is a good idea or not the French President told reporters that it was time to embrace togetherness and applaud a gender-swapped cast and a new script.
“I don’t want to scare you, but I just want to say the truth. There will be consequences in many areas if Britain remains stubborn to its belief that without Bill Murray in the lead role Ghostbusters is nothing,” he said. “Now that doesn’t mean that everything will be destroyed, I don’t want to give you a catastrophic scenario. But there will be consequences.” Continue reading
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Sadly missed…
Following a plea from doctors to ban tackling in school rugby on safety grounds, a group of academics has also called on the government to stop children’s human cannonball lessons.
The pastime, which has a near 100% fatality rate, is very popular among some parents and teachers, who say it builds character and is the only way of getting rid of the little bastards.
Rules vary across different parts of the country, but participants are generally loaded into a large cannon and fired at a tiny net some way away. Ofsted have complained that many schools are missing their targets.
Doctors warn that ‘high-impact’ activities like this can cause injuries including fractures, ligamentous tears and dislocated shoulders, although the main cause of death is usually simple ‘flattening’.
Johnny Angry, a PE teacher and father of nine at St Foolhardy’s School for Boys in the village of Harold – where human cannonball is compulsory from the age of 11 – says it provides a challenge.
Truly, they are the best of us
Annoyed by Hillary Clinton’s success in the primaries making her and Bill the ultimate power couple, Cherie Blair has announced that she will become Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
“Of course it’s a done deal,” she snapped at reporters. “Deals is how Tony and I do everything. Massive bungs from dictators across the globe, ta very muchly.” Continue reading
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Exit stage left…
In what is already being called one of the biggest shocks of this year’s Oscars, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, fresh from finally winning ‘best actor’, has been tragically eaten by a bear as he returned home.
It is a cruel irony that DiCaprio should meet this fate immediately after ending his long wait for the award, especially as bear attacks are so rare in modern Los Angeles. It is possible that the actor might have disregarded recent police reminders not to step on the cracks in the pavement.
Some critics have pointed out that it is actually pretty amusing that this should happen after the beary subject matter of his recent movie, while others have merely suggested that the hungry bear was a film lover.
“It wasn’t even the one from the movie,” lamented DiCaprio’s manager. “That I could understand, but this was just some bear, you know?”
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Filed under Movies, Nature, Showbusiness
We’d feel less patronised if they wore robes and laurel wreaths
The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.
“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading
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“No, they all taste like that. Don’t worry.”
Serial tax-system-rapists, Starbucks will open a store in Milan next year, says CEO Toby Green. “We open in Milan, then further stores will be rolled out across the country. Think of waves of Sherman tanks in 1943.”
“Basically, we’ll f%ck the Italian treasury up the a%se from Sicily to the Swiss border, with Rohypnol-laced champagne cocktail parties and our tried-and-trusted off-shore profits, on-shore losses tax strategy. It worked like a dream in the UK. Well, we told them it was a dream.”
Once the whole country has been impoverished, the Starbucks outreach team will return to Milan. “Italian culture gave us espresso, Ferraris and more recently, multi-million dollar compensation packages.” says Green “and we want to demonstrate our respect for that culture and tradition.”
“So when we get back to Milan we’ll be hanging their Finance Minister from a lamp-post in the Piazzale Loreto.”
Armed Police visit the home of a child rape victim, to tell her parents to stop whining
South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.
“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police
Tokyo Sexwale (artist’s impression)
Citizens of the world should ignore their insignificant troubles and rejoice in the fact that there is a man in South Africa called ‘Tokyo Sexwale’, the Evening Harold has learned.
Tokyo Sexwale, the man with the best name in the universe, is the South African candidate in the upcoming FIFA presidential elections.
In case this hasn’t fully sunken in, his name is TOKYO SEXWALE.
SEXWALE…
Tokyo is a mining tycoon and former anti-apartheid campaigner, but these things which would usually be interesting fade into the background next to the fact that his name is ‘Sexwale’.
“His parents, Mr and Mrs Sexwale, are to be greatly applauded for resisting the temptation to name him ‘Brian’,” explained Evening Harold sporting editor Piers Waghorn. “We can only assume they had been reading a lot of Douglas Adams, and the only surprise is that Tokyo’s middle name isn’t ‘Vroomfondel’.”
Charitable people have suggested that the ‘Tokyo’ is merely an attempt by the parents to distract people who meet their son from noticing his surname, but this theory fails to account for the frankly massive cojones of the Sexwales, who clearly didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.
FIFA voters have admitted that they aren’t actually all that bothered about the corruption thing any more, provided they can have a ‘Tokyo Sexwale’ T-shirt.
Realising too late that an outrageous name was a sure way to be voted FIFA president, one of the other candidates has decided to be called “Jerome Champagne”, but this potentially interesting name is nothing when placed alongside the mighty Tokyo Vroonfondel Sexwale.
“You’d better send an ambulance, the driver looks as if he’s seen a ghost town”
Of the 2,010 motorists clocked by police at over 100mph in the last year, over 2,000 were on the M1 in Bedfordshire, scurrying away from Luton, with their accelerator pedals crushed into the carpet.
The highest speed recorded though was 156mph on the A1(M) in Cambridgeshire. The driver had unwittingly booked a weekend at a Premier Inn in Bedfordshire, unaware Continue reading
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Now then young man you see oh fuck it I’m a disgusting paedophile
An independent report into the infamous Child Catcher has concluded that there was no possible way that anyone could have realised that a man with a huge net and bag of sweeties was trying to catch children.
Following years of complaints that local children had been caught and disposed of, the Vulgarian Television Corporation finally announced an inquiry into the seedy doings of one of the country’s most-loved blatant nonces.
“We were as amazed as anyone that this leering, salivating figure with the huge child-shaped net and the dildo cigar could be in any way a danger to children,” explained Rona Bomburst, the Chairperson of the Vulgarian Television Trust.
“Despite the fact that the Kingdom of Vulgaria has been mysteriously bereft of children for at least fifty years, it never occurred to us that anything was a problem.”
The Vulgarian Television Corporation has pledged to establish a robust series of checks to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again, and to prove its seriousness has appointed a new audit function headed up by none other than celebrated popular artist Rolf Harris.
“Can you tell what it is yet?” Asked a spokesman. “It’s a fucking whitewash, that’s what it is.”
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“…we’ll still be holding up our punters by their ankles, to shake out any loose change”
Ladbrokes, one of the the high street’s leading money-hoovering bastards, have posted their worst ever losses, to the delight of the nation’s gambling addicts.
Outgoing CEO, Richard Glynn, explained his simple recovery plan, which will leave his successor in a sound position; guaranteed mate, can’t fail. “Step one, we’ve a £10m accumulator with Betfred, for the first five races at Kempton Park on Saturday. That’s a dead cert so we’ll be well ahead by tea-time”.
“If that doesn’t work and we’ve no reason to think it won’t, step two means staking all February’s takings on Jeb Bush winning Continue reading
He is never, ever, going to go away especially not to the Hague
Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.
“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading
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Mock-up of front page. Final version will be in Comic Sans and have a 50p logo
The UK’s first new national newspaper for 30 years launches next week and is aimed at “piss-poor” readers, says its editor.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Alison Phillips said: “Thank you so much for five minutes of free advertising on national radio. The New Day costs 50 pence and our logo is a picture of a 50 pence coin, in case our semi-literate readers are also innumerate. Of course, we’re printing it in Comic Sans with markers on the pages eg Top, Front, Start Here, The End
After the Pope’s softening of opposition to contraception, the newly-created Vatican Rubber Company has rushed out a new range of condoms for the discerning Catholic – “Papal Bulls’.
A spokesman said the new condoms offered a unique blend of security, sensation and spiritual guidance, and were available in ‘Trinity-sized’ packs of three from machines inside every confessional booth.
For extra protection, each deluxe latex prophylactic comes pre-blessed with a Hail Mary.
“People may be surprised to see the Vatican embracing condom use,” explained official spokesman Reverend Father Federico “Johnny” Lombardi.
“But sex has become very much part ot the Catholic brand. We’d be crazy not to cash in, if only to raise some money for all the lawsuits we’re facing.”
“We think our branding has the rugged but sensual feel so common in the priesthood these days. We’ve listened to the people, done our research, and the people have told us that when you say ‘priest’, they think ‘bull’.”
Despite the massive marketing push, initial sales have disappointingly slow, according to the first sales figures.
The Vatican admitted this was confusing, asking “What in heaven could be putting people off using holy condoms?”
* thanks to Gareth Child – he knows why…
Dave ‘n’ his BFF: chock full o’feelings
As the UK was awarded its Specialist Snowflake in the Whole EU badge last night, David Cameron puzzled everyone by saying “I will be campaigning with all my heart and soul to persuade the British people to remain in the reformed EU that we have secured today” despite having spent every waking moment since 2010 proving that he possesses neither.
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Living the dream…
Albert Renfew, who died last night after being chased and eaten to death by an enormous badger made of cheese, was ‘living the dream’, friends have confirmed.
Renfrew, who possessed the unusual ability of having his dreams manifest as physical objects, was killed by the grotesque cheesy mammal in front of screaming shoppers in the High Street of the English village of Harold.
Sadly, Renfrew had long been plagued with bizarre, violent dreams involving dairy-mutated animal aggression.
“We were always telling Albert that it’s so important to make your dreams come true,” explained one friend today, “But we had no idea his dreams were so horrible.”
Authorities have pointed out that living the dream is still perfectly safe for most people, and have reassured the public that anyone who does not typically dream about huge slavering cheddar animals should be perfectly safe.
“For most of us,” explained an expert, “Dreams are associated with fame, vast wealth and the lumpy bits on the front of women. I know mine are.”
“Giant violent cheese badgers, on the other hand, are the sort of dream which should be lived under no circumstances.”
“We would advise anyone experiencing these sort of dreams to tread Caerphilly.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Health
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