A playing field at Eton: more important than you, your families or your homes could ever be to this government
As the Thames bursts its banks and parts of Berkshire flooded the Environment Agency swung into action with an ongoing and limitlessly resourced operation sanctioned by the government to ensure that not one inch of Eton College’s four hundred acres of grounds gets even slightly damp. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Weather
Scotland, he disciplines because he loves
In a hastily and smugly arranged press conference that took place as soon as the final whistle was blown David Cameron has said that Scotland’s 0 – 20 trouncing by England in the rugby union Calcutta Cup proved how much Scotland needs England and that Scottish independence simply would not work. Continue reading
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Filed under Sport
You’re nicked, me old beauty
Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.
The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.
Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading
At least the residents of Downing Street, whom many viewers have dubbed scum, are kept locked away from the rest of us.
Channel 4 is facing a viewer backlash over its documentary on benefits simply titled ‘Downing Street’. During the show residents of the eponymous street are seen allowing the UK to become the world’s number one haven for dodgy accounting and tax evasion which costs the economy billions a year and saying that in this time of austerity we’re all in this together while they themselves claim tens of thousands of pounds of taxpayers money in the form of MPs expenses despite being multi-millionaires. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News, Politics
In happier days, rearing sheep on the farm
In a move certain to shock the world of UK politics, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken advantage of the newly-relaxed EU work laws to announce that he is actually a Bulgarian immigrant named Binka Zhelyazkova. Cabinet insiders had long suspected that Cameron was of Eastern European extraction, but few realised that his privileged English background was totally faked and his family are in fact peasant otter farmers from the remote Targovishte Province.
‘Obviously until the law changed I couldn’t really admit to being a Bulgarian,’ the Prime Minister explained to journalists this morning. ‘It was very difficult to keep up the facade, the ‘фасада’ as we say in my country. Hopefully I can put this behind me now. And it’ll be a relief not to have to hide the otters.’ Continue reading
L-R: The Prime Minister, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Secretary of State for Transport
There was shock today as David Cameron executed the biggest political shake-up of modern times by sacking the entire Cabinet and replacing them with members of his own family.
“While me and the former Cabinet made lots of hilarious gaffs and got into wacky scrapes I was aware that the British public didn’t seem to have warmed to us,” explained the Prime Minister at a press conference earlier this morning. “Then I saw that Mrs Brown’s Boys topped the Christmas Day television ratings and I instantly knew what needed to be done. People love Mrs Brown because Brendan O’Carroll filled the cast with his family which creates a unique atmosphere so I thought I’d do the same and soon we’ll be national treasures too.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one
Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.
Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading
Apparently only one of these people wilfully refuses to listen to any opposing views for comedic effect.
Ahead of a Panorama documentary to be broadcast tonight which will show that the charity Comic Relief has invested tens of millions of pounds in arms, alcohol and tobacco companies one prominent recipient of Comic Relief’s largesse has leapt to its defence.
The warlord known as Tony B has says that he got a lot out of his association with the red nose. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Showbusiness
Pastry, potatoes, beef, swede and onion. You can’t beat that, Ronald McDonald.
David Cameron has flown to Beijing with a delegation of high achieving Brits to beg China to love the UK more than it loves the US. On his knees on the tarmac at Beijing Capital Airport the Prime Minister said “Britain will act as China’s strongest advocate in the West” before promising “dialogue of mutual respect and understanding” as well as a blind eye turned to all China’s abuses of human rights and the environment, and at least five more seasons of Downton Abbey.
“China should be our bestie not that of those across pond,” Cameron said. “What has the Untied States ever done for the world? We’ve given it the Cornish pasty, Fifty Shades of Grey and the tuning fork: no contest.” Continue reading
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Filed under Business, International News, Politics
It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Ye are many – they are few.
The Attorney General, Conservative MP Dominic Grieve, has warned that politicians need to ‘wake up’ to the problems of corruption in minority communities and cited the Bullingdon Club as a particular cause for concern.
The all-male Oxford University dining club counts David Cameron, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and Lord Voldemort amongst its past members has a reputation for exclusivity, a predilection for smashing up restaurants, and generally encourages its members to behave as if they were part of a parallel universe Drones Club in which fun has been replaced by a level of arrogance not seen since Charles I. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Endangered species?
Downing Street is in full damage limitation mode this morning following reports that the Prime Minister has ordered aides to ‘get rid of all that yellow crap’ in the run up to the next election. If true this would be a massive u-turn since 2010 when David Cameron said being yellow was at the heart of his policies and pledged to run the yellowest government ever.
“It’s a matter of cost,” said a Tory party insider. “We have to make cuts wherever possible and the longer we associate with the Liberal Democrats the more it’s going to cost us at the ballot box because somehow they’ve managed to become far less popular than us. And a lot of people seem to hate us.” Continue reading
Major parties blame each other for Birmingham.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has thrown his full weight behind a campaign to allow the UK to have a referendum on Birmingham.
Miliband has been criticised recently for a lack of credible policies, but the ‘Birmingham Out’ proposal is set to change all that.
Seen as little more than a car park by many, but a car park with a miserable accent, Birmingham is the ‘Elephant in the Midlands’ according to political pundits.
Happy birthday Samaritans. Five million calls answered a year and no one ever gets put on hold. Whatever you’re doing we wish you could train the call centre at our bank to do it too.
A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.
While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.
“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.
Oxford Street as it’s predicted to be by tomorrow. We don’t know the cause of the storm for sure but we’re fairly convinced it’s happening because David Cameron shot an albatross.
The country is officially at panic stations this morning ever since a BBC weather presenter told viewers of Breakfast that the approaching storm won’t be serious.
“It was terrifying,” said Sally Kettle who was watching in her kitchen in Harold. “She was all calm and said ‘Earlier on today apparently a woman left a post on our message board and said she’d heard that there is a hurricane on the way. Well, if you’re watching, don’t worry, there isn’t...’ then she looked right into the camera and gave a reassuring little smile. You know what that means, don’t you? We’re doomed!”
Is it just us or does Scrooge look a lot like Patrick Stewart?
The newly appointed Secretary of Secretary of State for Work and Pensions has reported that his first few days in office have been productive and struck a cautiously optimistic note by declaring them not ‘entirely humbug’.
“Stepping to Iain Duncan’s Smith’s shoes after the Cabinet reshuffle was never going to be easy,” ex-city financier Ebenzer Scrooge told us. “According to this government’s own figures since he took the reins statutory homelessness has risen by 34% and the Samaritans have reported a significant rise in suicides which are now at their highest peak this century. Sterling work but I’m hoping that my new reforms will top that.” Continue reading
Bringing back Mr Pastry: a key Tory policy designed to please the party faithful
As the Tory Party conference in Manchester lurched towards a conclusion David Cameron took to the stage to announce plans for every under twenty-five year old not in education, training or employment to work in a job centre.
“We are making it impossible for young people to claim benefits,” the Prime Minister said. “Our message to those without jobs is get a job. Yes, it’s that easy because this scheme combined with Osborne’s one that jobseekers will have to attend the job centre every day means that we now need hundred of thousands more job centre workers to administrate this mess. I mean forward thinking policy that will put the UK way out in front in the global race.” Continue reading
Critics right – Diana movie will bomb
Cameron said he considered using nuclear weapons, but decided that Assad’s sarin gas attack deserved a stronger response.
“Using a universally panned one star movie that the critics say is ‘tasteless’, ‘saccharine’, and ‘stomach-churning’ will show Assad that Britain means business – the streets of a Damascus will turn into a river of vomit” said Cameron.
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Filed under International News, Politics, Royals
They’ll have him back in 2015 if devolution makes him officially Scottish.
Andy Murray has been disqualified from the US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey as the backlash against Britain by the United States continues.
Since a House of Commons vote on Thursday resulted in no support for the use of force against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time, the US has had to find a new poodle to yap for it at the United Nations and relations between Britain and the US are at their lowest point since the early eighties when we opened Cats on Broadway and they shot one of the Beatles. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Sport
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