by | March 15, 2015 · 3:42 pm

Tories refuse to rule out deal with the Devil

image With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.

Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.

“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Tories refuse to rule out deal with the Devil

Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | March 14, 2015 · 8:00 am

Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Society, War

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 13, 2015 · 7:00 am

‘Sexy spider gave me 4-hour erection’, claims local pervert

spider

Spider ‘gave him the eyes’.

A local deviant has claimed that a spider he found in his kitchen was so sexy, it gave him a 4-hour erection.

Hagrid Evans told us that the arachnid has evolved over thousands of years specifically to ‘give him the horn’, and being a spider, instinctively went for his fly.

“I’ve always been a leg man, and this beauty had eight”, leered Evans. “I could tell I was in love, at least an incy wincy bit.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Sexy spider gave me 4-hour erection’, claims local pervert

Filed under Around Harold, Nature, Sex

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 12, 2015 · 1:35 pm

Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person

New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind

UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.

Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily,  we can still make out light and dark shades.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person

Filed under Election 2015, idiots, Politics, TV

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 10:54 am

Government spy to be put in every house in village

image The government is to trial putting a spy into every house in Harold to listen in to every conversation so they can be sure you are not an ISIS.

The plans, which if successful will be rolled out across the country, will see an agent from MI5 or GCHQ put into the corner of every living room in the village disguised as a standing lamp holding a laptop in a bid to be unobtrusive yet able to note down your every word.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Government spy to be put in every house in village

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Ocado van spotted on council estate

shit terraces

Driver left traumatised after delivering to neighbour.

There were gasps amongst Harold’s more successful residents yesterday, after an Ocado van was photographed in an area prone to social housing.

The van, later identified as ‘Alan in his Raspberry’, is thought to have contained kumquats in a built-up area.

“I expect more from a company so closely associated with Waitrose”, said cllr Ron Ronsson. “If they’re delivering in these sorts of places, who knows what their vans could pass on?”

Ocado’s head of social engineering, Hermione Cavolo-Nero, apologised for the grave error and promised to have the driver shot.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Society

Tagged as , ,

by | March 11, 2015 · 2:14 pm

Dave’s output will more than half if Top Gear is cancelled

image Digital TV station Dave has admitted if the BBC don’t film anymore of the motoring show Top Gear, their output will fall by more than half in two years’ time.

With Top Gear repeating on “the home of witty banter” more than Brussels sprouts repeat on the consumers of a Christmas dinner, it has become a staple of their schedule. The potential cancellation of the hit show will leave a massive gap on the channel.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Dave’s output will more than half if Top Gear is cancelled

Filed under Culture, News

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 12:32 pm

Lenny Henry quits: “It’s time for someone else to benefit from Comic Relief”

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

Lenny celebrates with stereotypical yellow duck

As Comic Relief celebrates 30 years of raising funds for deserving causes by threatening the nation’s television viewers with mild humour, two of its stalwarts have announced their retirement from the cause saying it’s time for others to step forward and benefit from the profile raising free publicity.

Former comedian, Lenny Henry, says he has a lot to thank Comic Relief for, having seen his status rise from token black guy on Tiswas to token twenty stone black guy advertising Premier Inn’s all- you-can-eat-breakfasts. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Lenny Henry quits: “It’s time for someone else to benefit from Comic Relief”

Filed under News, Showbusiness, TV

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 3:07 am

‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

Alex-James-looks-on-as-Je-007

Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page

David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.

“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

Filed under Election 2015, Entertainment, Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 10, 2015 · 1:35 pm

Apple self-winding watch ‘goes flat the moment you stop masturbating’

image
A new ‘smart’ watch from Apple that harnesses kinetic energy from frenetic hand movements stops functioning ‘the moment you stop abusing yourself’, according to reports.

Apple claims that the tiny device has a standby time ‘over 25 seconds’, but some testers have found it to be less than ‘half a stroke’ in practice.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Apple self-winding watch ‘goes flat the moment you stop masturbating’

Filed under Culture, Lifestyle, News

Tagged as

by | March 9, 2015 · 12:50 pm

Jehovah’s Witness to sue “nuisance” Labour election canvasser

image Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jean and Derek Fournissant have promised to sue the local Labour election canvasser if “that twat knocks on the door one more time”.

“He comes round at all times of day and night, banging on the door, asking us to believe in the one he calls the Saviour,” Mrs Fournissant explained.

“Not being funny, but if Ed Miliband is the Saviour then I’d rather burn in hell, suck the Devil’s penis or worse, donate blood.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

by | March 8, 2015 · 1:07 pm

Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

selma

It’s hard to tell, Chief. In black and white they don’t all look the same

After dozens of people including the President were shot, Selma’s Police Chief, Pete Garbut, explained his tough stance on this weekend’s civil rights march re-enactment.

“Give an inch and they’ll take a mile. You’re too young to remember this, but black protesters have marched across this bridge once before and last time it all ended in tears … yes OK, that may have been the riot gas.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Selma Police celebrate 1965 march by shooting President Obama

Filed under Civil rights, International News, News, USA

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 12:36 am

British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Opening a tax return form from HMRC HMRC has waded into the war on terrorism claiming that many of the British-born jihadists are basing themselves in Syria as part of a global tax dodging scheme.

“Fundraising for IS, al-Qaeda or Boko Haram is not only morally wrong, but by moving their jihadi activity offshore they are effectively robbing the treasury of some much-needed revenue,” the Taxpayers’ Alliance said

“How can we stop radicalisation if these terrorists aren’t paying their dues?”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on British-born jihadists using Syria as a tax haven

Filed under Culture, International News, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | March 6, 2015 · 2:45 pm

Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up from accident “thinking it was 1975”

Alonso's beard woke up decades in the past

Alonso’s beard woke up decades in the past

Following his high speed accident in Barcelona last week, stylists have revealed Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up thinking it was 1975.

A proud wearer of facial fluff, Alonso went into turn 3 at the Circuit De Barcelona-Catalunya with a bit of morning stubble, but after colliding with a wall his beard came out having seemingly forgotten the past 40 years and slipped into a 70’s style.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up from accident “thinking it was 1975”

Filed under News, Sport

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 12:03 pm

Hall and Oates to sue over breakfast cereal named ‘Turgid Shyte’

hallandoatesHall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.

The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.

‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.

Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.

Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies),  and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.

The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”

Comments Off on Hall and Oates to sue over breakfast cereal named ‘Turgid Shyte’

Filed under music, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 10:08 am

Harrison Ford narrowly avoids round of golf

Harrison FordA relieved Harrison Ford is thanking his lucky stars that a plane crash on a golf course left him too injured to play.

“Oh God, that was a close one … I could have been seriously bored out there. You take life for granted and then suddenly you are seconds away from playing golf. You wouldn’t believe the relief I felt when my femur snapped” said Ford.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harrison Ford narrowly avoids round of golf

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , ,

by | March 5, 2015 · 6:26 am

‘Will dissemble for cash’: Party leaders seek debate sponsorship

cameronWith the negotiations about a TV debate now more complex than the F1 rule book, politicians have been forced to seek sponsorship.

A particularly shiny PM was wheeled out to waiting fans, who couldn’t wait to tweet his new livery and nose around his rear. A precocious splitter was spotted, later identified as rival Nigel Farage, resplendent in traditional British Racist Green. Farage then held proceedings up braying about how nothing on earth would make him take ‘a Pole position’.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘Will dissemble for cash’: Party leaders seek debate sponsorship

Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | March 4, 2015 · 11:00 am

Warning: giving up sugar can lead to acute rise in smugness

123-granulated-sugar-and-sugar-cubes350x300

Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.

Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.

“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Warning: giving up sugar can lead to acute rise in smugness

Filed under Health

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

“Save The Children” severs links with “Bomb The Children”

Drop the Blair

Tony Blair helping some children, yesterday.

A children’s charity that presented Tony Blair with a Legacy Award has blamed the mistake on associations with a group advocating childhood bombing.

“Save The Children” is traditionally linked with preserving and improving the lives of children, a move clearly at odds with the achievements of the former Prime Minister.

“Sadly, we have somehow become entangled with the organisation “Bomb The Children”, admitted spokesman Eric Blunkett. “A charity that works tirelessly to drop heavy ordnance on towns and villages where young people live.”

“We’re not sure how this mistake happened, but on reflection we’ve agreed that bombing children is a mistake. Our latest research suggests it’s almost entirely detrimental.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on “Save The Children” severs links with “Bomb The Children”

Filed under Children, Politics, War

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | March 3, 2015 · 2:28 am

Parliament is rotten to the core, so is the building: £3bn in repairs required

ruins-of-a-castle-i-found-while-hiking-along-hadrians-wall-oc--20208

How the Palace of Westminster will look by July if we don’t all stump up some serious coin.

Like the principles of its incumbents the Palace of Westminster will soon be abandoned, as a study has revealed it to be rotten, hopelessly outdated and not fit for purpose insert own ‘just like most MPs’ comment here.

Commons Speaker John Bercow said in a speech that Parliament could move from the building permanently “unless management of the very highest quality and a not inconsequential sum of public money are deployed” putting the figure at £3bn. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Parliament is rotten to the core, so is the building: £3bn in repairs required

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,