by | October 27, 2015 · 5:00 am

Cameron relieved cancer risk is only if pig enters your mouth

cameron pigDavid Cameron is very relieved that an increased risk of cancer is only if you put pig in your mouth, not the other way round.

“I checked with the World Health Organisation and they said you won’t get cancer if you put part of you in the pig’s mouth, you have to put pig in your own mouth” said Cameron.

“I was quite relieved, because many years ago I came across a pig that seemed to be choking to death on an apple. The apple was jammed in the poor pig’s mouth, I couldn’t get purchase with my hands, so I just … improvised” explained Cameron.
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by | October 25, 2015 · 9:04 am

Bellend can’t stop talking about extra hour in bed

An extra hour in bed

An extra hour in bed

A local bellend has spent most of the morning saying he is enjoying his extra hour in bed, even though the only thing he has done with the extra hour in bed is tell people on Facebook he is enjoying the extra hour in bed.

“The end of daylight saving time means the clocks ‘fall back’, and 7am actually feels like 8am” Dunstable man Nigel West explained to his 87 Facebook friends at 7.03am.
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by | October 24, 2015 · 8:00 am

Obesity crackdown sees pensioner arrested and sugar with street value of 99p seized

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Harold pensioner Elsie Duggan was arrested on charges of possession with intent to supply after being found with a bag of sugar with a street value of 99p.

Police say Miss Duggan, 86, said the sugar was for her own use explaining that she’d always had a sweet tooth, but inquiries soon revealed she was a pusher.
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by | October 23, 2015 · 6:49 am

Nation afraid to admit it thinks James Bond is crap

Daniel Craig - New James Bond movie Casino Royale

Pfffffffft

As another James Bond tits ‘n’ explosions spectacular hurtles into cinemas this weekend a shock poll has discovered that most UK adults are about as interested in 007 as they are in finding a way to have a lot less sex.

“Problem is it can’t be spoken of,” said one poll respondent. “Being a fan of James Bond is part of being British. You can’t say you think he’s a dull and violent cockwomble any more than you can say you don’t know what Mary Berry is for and didn’t laugh when Del Boy fell through the bar.” Continue reading →

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by | October 22, 2015 · 9:11 pm

Wayne Rooney sues makers of Mr Potato Head

rooney head

Eerily, the doll is actually better at Scrabble.

Just hours after Bastian Schweinsteiger revealed he was suing the makers of a doppelganger Nazi doll, Wayne Rooney has launched his own legal action against Mr Potato Head.

“I was in a toy shop, looking for a present for my wife, when I suddenly noticed a display of tiny mirrors”, explained Rooney.

“I must have been there for 2 or 3 hours, just staring into them, when someone picked up one of my reflections and wandered off.”
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by | · 4:15 pm

Police should follow Cameron’s example of appointing me as Britain’s first black Home Secretary says Theresa May

theresamaybonkers

Britain’s first black Home Secretary

Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.

Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading →

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by | · 10:41 am

New UK nuclear power plant named ‘Chinobyl’

ChinobylA public vote on the name for the new Chinese funded nuclear power plant at Hinkley Point, Somerset has resulted in ‘Chinobyl’ being chosen.

Red-faced officials said they thought locals naming the nuclear power plant would help the controversial project gain acceptance, and they expected something like ‘Hinkley Point power plant’ or ‘Xi Jinping power plant’ to be chosen.
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by | · 7:00 am

China gives UK 99 year lease on new Houses of Parliament

parliament building

The proud new building should stand for at least another 10 years and 1 month.

David Cameron has saved £7bn on the cost of restoring the Houses of Parliament, by granting the contract to China.

For the mere informality of signing over the freehold, politicians will have somewhere to sit for the next 99 years.

“This is excellent news for the UK tax payer”, said Cameron. “They’re even throwing in a big ‘tribute’ iWatch to replace Big Ben.”
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by | October 21, 2015 · 2:43 pm

Staff, classmates, swear oath never to share secret of long division with Disneyland absentees

Term time Disney - as empty as her education.

Term time Disney – as empty as her education.

Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.

That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.

“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2015 · 11:00 am

“I’ll raise issues with Chinese President if he gives permission and tells me what to say” vows PM

Xi-Jinping-david-c_3164202b

Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him

David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.

“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.” Continue reading →

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by | October 19, 2015 · 12:00 pm

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:48 am

Scots blame loss on ref failing to spot William Webb Ellis handball in 1823

Australia ScotlandScotland would not have suffered a heart breaking Rugby World Cup loss to Australia if the referee at Rugby School in 1823 had spotted an obvious handball by William Webb Ellis, according to Scottish rugby great Gavin Hastings.

“The ref should have noticed something as blatant as Webb Ellis picking up the football and running with it. If he’d spotted it, he would have given Webb Ellis his marching orders, and rugby would never have been invented” fumed Hastings.
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by | · 7:00 am

Amazon sues people who left positive reviews of Adam Sandler movies

sandler

Was this typed with a straight face?

Amazon has confirmed that unscrupulous shoppers who leave 5-star reviews of films, despite them containing Adam Sandler, will be sued.

Although Sandler has near-universal unappeal, some malicious trolls have gushed all over his leavings on the popular online shop.

Amazon fears this could cause unwary customers to order them, which might damage their trust in the tax-efficient company.
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by | October 18, 2015 · 10:08 am

Jeremy Cunt tells prudes ‘stop calling me Hunt’

It's 'Cunt' with a 'C' not an 'H'

It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’

Jeremy Cunt says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.

“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”

Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
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by | · 8:00 am

Sajid Javid admits the Northern Powerhouse is all bobbins

sajidjavid

In the middle of the night he worries: ‘What if there is a god?’

As yet more steelworkers’ jobs are about to be axed, Business Secretary Sajid Javid has confirmed that the Northern Powerhouse is ‘just pretend’.

“All right, all right… Look, we came up with the expression one evening, after a very fine dinner. It was only ever meant as a joke, but Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2015 · 8:00 am

Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading →

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by | October 16, 2015 · 1:31 pm

Office workers only notice colleague has died when clean cups run out

A fitting tribute to Pat.

A fitting tribute to Pat.

Concerned employees at Amalgamated Holdings Ltd have been mystified by a growing collection of soiled cups.

Initially, minor queries were raised with each other about whether the cleaning contract had been renewed, not realising that for the last 15 years the dishes had been done by Pat in accounts.

“I do like a cup of tea first thing” said managing director Justine Hostage, “and I never gave a thought to how our mugs got clean and put back in the cupboard. It was Mike who said he’d seen Pat doing it before, and then we realised no-one had heard from her for three weeks.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

OCD taxi driver still searching for ‘indicator flash twin’

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Eric Boutsen has driven taxis for 25 years, and in all that time has never come across a car whose indicators flash exactly in time with his own.

Despite working double-shifts and taking more turns than is strictly necessary, Boutsen returns home to his empty flat each evening, dejected and bereft.
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by | October 15, 2015 · 1:45 pm

Boris Johnson shows small Japanese child who’s boss

BOOOOOOM!!

BOOOOOOM!! Have some of that!

Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, emphasised his credentials to lead the country today by bravely battering a 10 year-old Japanese boy to the ground.

During a visit to Japan Johnson fearlessly agreed to take part in a vicious game known as ‘touch rugby’. During this event he warded off an attempted assault by the child, who may be a member of some sort of street gang, using just his bare hands. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:20 am

VW chairman repairs environmental damage by hanging up hotel towel

bearThe environmental damage wrought by the diesel emissions cheating scandal has been rectified by the hanging up of a hotel towel, according to VW chairman Hans Dieter Poetsch.

“I thought of the environment and hung up the towel” beamed Poetsch.

“As soon as I put the towel on the rack, I could sense all those emissions vanishing into thin air. I felt the melting iceberg refreeze, and tears welled up in my eyes as I realised that starving polar bear would see his family again.”
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