Do I look like a ‘respected columnist?’
Hopkins, who hates everyone, said ‘respected columnist’ made it sound like she writes for the Times, or worse still, the Guardian.
“I don’t ‘write’, I spit out bile into a receptacle known as the Daily Mail”, frothed Hopkins.
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The Left united will never be defeated! Oops
There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.
Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
REVIEW BY HAROLD MUSIC CORRESPONDENT PIERS WAGHORN:
Parents attending last night’s “Christmas Kaleidoscope” concert at Harold Village Comprehensive were forced to sit through 90 minutes of excruciating toss before reaching a song they actually recognised.
In a bid to give an exciting modern flavour to the event, a musical set was designed with barely any recognisable content at all.
A first glance at the programme (kindly printed by the local branch of Dyno-rod) gave no hint of the horrors to come.
At fifty, every man has the face he deserves
Calls are growing today for the multi-millionaire demagogue Iain Duncan Smith to be banned from the UK following his widely condemned policies calling for a halt on all poor and/or disabled people enjoying any quality of life. So far 100,000 have signed the petition asking that IDS be banned under the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria. Continue reading
it was too well written & the plot wasn’t unbelievable
A top Tory, who’d denied being aware of bullying complaints before 2015, said today “Ah, I remember it now! At first, I thought the 2010 dossier was Iain Duncan Smith’s new policy for the disabled; then that it was a draft of a Jeffrey Archer novel”.
“Of course, with hindsight it was too well written, the plot wasn’t unbelievable and I didn’t want to scratch my eyes out. I feel such a fool.”
“The US election? It’s just hair and circuses.”
David Cameron has spoken of his delight at Donald Trump doing for religious tolerance what he himself allegedly did to that pig, and making everyone forget how awful his own government is.
“It’s brilliant,” Cameron enthused. “All the UK press is concerned with is what someone who might one day be President of another country is saying and tweeting while me and my chums get busy having a lovely bombing and further undermining the NHS. There are no eyes on our ball. I am reminded of the famous saying ‘If Iain Duncan Smith declares war on the disabled and no one is watching, does he make a sound?'” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
BOOOORN IN THE USA, I WAS…oh, sorry.
A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.
“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”
Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.
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Filed under Technology, War
Next, they came for the horses…
In his most embarrassing proclamation yet, celebrity simpleton Donald Trump has announced that if he becomes President, all Native Americans will be immediately barred from entering the USA.
Coming hot on the heels of his other statement about banning all Muslims, Trump now seems to have lost his last tenuous grip on reality.
“If these so-called ‘indians’ or whatever they call themselves try to enter our great country, we will send them back to where they came from immediately,” spluttered the furry one, “Wherever that is.”
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Filed under idiots, International News, Showbusiness
Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.
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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
Enorme tete de coque rouge
Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.
A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.
Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.
“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”
Morning!
Grateful but confused Syrians say national flags painted on bombs would make it easier to work out which liberating power to thank.
“We just can’t keep up with all the different countries that are sharing their bombs with us. It’s like when you don’t save the little cards on present wrapping-paper” said multiple bomb recipient Hamza Ali.
“A flag painted on the bomb would make it so much easier. Perhaps even design them so they whistle your national anthem as they help clear away our superfluous hospitals and schools.”
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Too close for comfort
Following the terrorist knife attack in Leytonstone, Prime Minister David Cameron has vowed to increase the number of Syrian bombing raids “until East London is safe again”.
Police were called to reports of people being attacked at Leytonstone around 19:00 on Saturday. The knifeman reportedly shouted “this is for Syria”. The police have not yet been able to work out what might have motivated the violence.
In a statement to the press, the Prime Minister explained: “This is exactly why we need to bomb Syria more often. What hope is there of stopping these terrible incidents at home unless we flatten a country far, far away?”
“By killing innocent civilians in our futile show of strength, we will doubtless cause these extremists in Britain to give up their fight.”
“We’ll probably gain lots of friends everywhere, too.”
Just make sure you don’t die laughing
“Today’s Leytonstone station attack shows that the risk of terror attacks remains very high. The best way to be safe from attack is to position yourself in front of the Chelsea strikers as near to the goal as possible. Standing near Chelsea’s toothless midfield is also quite a good option” said Sir Bernard.
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Filed under News
Lean and mean
Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.
“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”
“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”
“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”
“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”
Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading
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Filed under Food, Intergalactic News, Movies
Down to his last 20 million supporters…
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is now so isolated politically that he can only call upon the support of a shadowy group of people known in the UK as “voters”, it emerged today.
Facing certain defeat in the Oldham by-election, Corbyn played a typically dastardly trick in persuading normal English people to come out of their homes in droves to vote for the Labour candidate.
The result, in which Labour scored a huge popular majority with an increased share of the vote, was condemned by commentators as “treason” and “Labour sympathising”.
Sun columnist Ron Liddle explained that Labour hadn’t really won at all, as getting the most votes in a democratic election was no guarantee of fairness, and proved his point with examples from history including Hitler, Stalin, and, confusingly, ABBA’s 1974 Eurovision Song Contest hit “Waterloo”. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, idiots
Wait, wait…this bit’s good…
That’s the claim of a report that found a causal link between dashcam ownership and self-righteous, pompous behaviour.
“In the past, once the sherry glasses had been handed out, you knew you were in for endless photo albums that showed Simon and Heather have better holidays than us”, said Harold’s Nigel Hostage.
“But now, it’s clips of their neighbour crossing a single white line, or stopping with their rear wheels in a box junction”, sighed Hostage. “From the evidence of this film, it’s clear they followed her all the way to Devon.”
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Filed under Around Harold
Syrian children are very upset that pictures of them injured and covered in rubble have caused such distress to 66 pro-bombing Labour MPs.
“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
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Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand
“Tweeting that they ‘might want to watch out’, or posting their home address on Facebook, will soon undermine their resolve”, explained party activist Seamus Gott.
“Or we could shout the same slogan over and over again outside their bedroom window, all through the night”, Gott mused. “That should get the message across that we don’t value their opinions.”
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Not this time, says Dave!
The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.
Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading
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