“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Vegan repeatedly insists she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin

julie kettleA local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.

Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
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US running out of people to kill in shooting rampages

empty townMass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.

Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
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Everyone’s forgotten who this bloke is

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He was the bass player in Gene, wasn’t he?

A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.

“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading

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Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair

Blair selfie Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.

Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
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Blair says Chilcot report proves Corbyn lacks the skills to organise an oil war

'The WMD was THIS big'

‘The WMD was THIS big’

Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.

“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.

“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
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Chilcot release: Blair and friends gather at country house to find out whodunnit

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Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.

Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.

After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading

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Chilcot report leaked: Blair to be exonerated and given a pony

Blair-smiling-e1330701009294

Happy happy joy joy

The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.

The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug. Continue reading

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Britain ready to give Baldrick’s cunning plan a go

Definitely better than Gove or Farage

Definitely better than Gove or Farage

Britains prefers Baldrick to handle Brexit negotiations, rather than any Tory or Labour politician, according to an overnight poll.

Given the options of May, Davis, Corbyn, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.

Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
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UK politics just a live version of The Thick of It that got out of control

the-thick-of-it

Look on the bright side maybe Ben Swain’ll go back on Newsnight

The Thick of It creator, Armando Iannucci,  has apologised to the nation for his latest project going entirely batshit.

“Although the original cast has moved on me and the writers wanted to keep the Thick of It going and so thought a live version would be fun,” he said. “It was supposed to be pop-up theatre performed around Westminster for a small crowd. Unfortunately our new characters and their grotesque ambitions and incompetence took on a life of their own and went rogue. Oops.” Continue reading

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Lord Vetinari takes control of the UK

Lord_Vetinari

At last a leader with convictions, intelligence and razor-sharp cheekbones

The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.

“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading

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Labour MPs turn backs on serving country to serve only themselves

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How can you miss an open goal as big as these two egos?

The vast majority of Labour MPs have today confirmed that they will no longer be serving their constituencies and the country as a whole and from now on will be one hundred per cent focussed on their own narrow interests and financial futures. Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn accidentally resigns from shadow cabinet too

Jeremy

It’s a worry

In a move of either political genius or heartbreaking stupidity, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally resigned from his own shadow cabinet along with everyone else.

Giving the reason for his resignation as “the staggering incompetence of the leadership around here”, Corbyn seems to finally have struck a chord with Labour voters, seeing his approval rating leap.

“The people in charge of this party have to realise that their performance just hasn’t been good enough,” he explained to a bemused interviewer this morning.

“During the referendum campaign I was completely invisible, lacklustre and unconvincing,” he thundered. “And it’s about time I stood up and told me I’m not taking any more of myself.”

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Larry the cat will be in place as Prime Minister in days, Cameron confirms

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We think he’ll do a purrfect job. Purrfect, get it? Purrfect. Please yourselves.

Speaking to a packed House of Commons David Cameron has confirmed that in order to provide the nation with leadership and stability Larry the cat, currently in post as Downing Street’s top mouser, will be Prime Minister very soon.

“This country is divided and facing economic armageddon,” Cameron said from the dispatch box. “I don’t know why everyone’s pointing and jeering as if that’s somehow my fault. Anyway, we need a strong leader and Larry is by some margin the most capable and popular member of this government. Plus no one knows who his dad is so there’s no Panama-style revelations lurking in any closets there.” Continue reading

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Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

EuThe Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
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Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus

IDS

Not exactly smallprint

Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.

The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”

Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.

Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.

The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.

“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”

“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”

“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”

 

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Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Britain First member confused why he still has no job or girlfriend after Brexit

'An orderly queue please, no pushing'

‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’

Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise after leaving the EU.

“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
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Farage still here

Farage_lets_go

OK, you first.

The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.

“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”

“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”

The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.

“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.

“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”

However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.

“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”

“With my cock.”

“An arsehole’s work is never done!”

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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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