Chilcot report leaked: Blair to be exonerated and given a pony

Happy happy joy joy

The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.

The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug.

“What else did you expect?” Blair said, grinning that famous grin at reporters. “We establishment figures never turn on our own. Apparently Sir John blames the whole thing on some teenage squaddies from the rough end of Glasgow who grew up in care and I say why not?”

“It’s who you know. I think most people who have dealt with me think I’m a pretty straight sort of guy and I am and this report proves it. Right, I’ve been talking for twenty-six seconds that’ll be £250. Now pay up and piss off.”