Category Archives: Sport

by | August 25, 2015 · 11:00 am

‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading →

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by | August 24, 2015 · 3:30 pm

Justin Gatlin to try taking even more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

Right, time for some more drugs

After seeing his World Championship gold medal hopes dashed, drugs-cheat Justin Gatlin has vowed to take more and more drugs until he eventually beats Usain Bolt.

Gatlin started the race as favourite but was beaten by one hundredth of a second and now believes that the long-term benefits of the performance enhancing drugs he has already taken may not be enough to achieve his goals. Continue reading →

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by | August 9, 2015 · 8:00 am

McLaren F1 sign up the late Fangio for the rest of the season

roflbot (10)In a bold bid to revive their moribund 2015 campaign, McLaren F1 have had Juan Manuel Fangio exhumed.

The legendary Argentian won five World Championships in the 1950s “…but we rather hoped he’d been buried in a Maserati 250F.” said McLaren boss Ron Dennis “Computer simulations show that it’s 3 seconds a lap quicker than our current car.”

Dennis was initially disappointed to find no car but soon cheered up “It turns out the Hertz van we hired is astonishingly fast. Even fully loaded with pick axes, shovels, soil and coffin. So we’ve hired it for the rest of the season”.

“And once we’d hosed him down” he added “Fangio looked a bit more lively than Jenson or Fernando so we signed him up too. We’re just a bit concerned that his level of activity might wake up armchair F1 fans on Sunday afternoons.”

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by | August 7, 2015 · 11:50 am

Jenson Button has watch stolen while asleep during grand prix

Jensonbutton

When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing

Jenson Button has been robbed while he was unconscious, after nodding off on lap 7 of a grand prix.

Jenson Button’s Formula 1 car has struggled for pace this season, to the point where his engineer has to scream ‘wake up’ every 35 seconds.

‘On this occasion, while Jenson was barrelling along at 38 miles an hour, we forgot to contact him because we were just resting our eyes’, said Ron Dennis.

‘ When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing. Continue reading →

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by | August 6, 2015 · 1:02 pm

E. X. Tras made Australia captain after top-scoring in Test

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EXTras in all his glory…

Cricket Australia have just announced that enigmatic young batsman E. X. Tras will be Michael Clarke’s replacement as Australia’s captain with immediate effect, after making the highest score of all the Australian batsmen in the fourth Test at Trent Bridge.

“Young Tras has done remarkably well to break into the team’s top scorers so quickly,” confirmed Chairman of Selectors Rod Marsh. “Many people might not even be aware that EXTras is now far and away the most skilful player in the team, so meteoric has been his rise.”

EXTras shocked the cricket world after scoring a massive 14 runs in the first innings at Trent Bridge, an impressive fourteen times the amount amassed by former star player Adam Voges, or, if you like, infinity times the total for Rogers, Warner and Marsh combined. It is thought that no player has ever eclipsed his team-mates so thoroughly, but to be honest we’re laughing too much to check.

When asked if EXTras was really that good, or whether his rise was instead merely a symptom of a disastrously poor Australian team, Marsh bristled with anger, before collapsing into tears and blaming the bigger boys for spoiling everything.

Meanwhile, Australian cheerleader Shane Warne has announced controversially that private study of his family tree has revealed that he was actually born in Eastbourne.

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by | August 5, 2015 · 10:50 am

Athletics ‘rife among drug addicts’ claims Sunday Times report

Hiding a secret addiction to hurdles

Hiding a secret addiction to the 110m hurdles

Up to a third of drug addicts have taken athletics at some point in their careers, according to information obtained by the Sunday Times.

The shocking revelations claim that the athletics range from some relatively harmless recreational jogging, right up to more hard-core activities such as triathlons and marathons. Continue reading →

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by | July 31, 2015 · 7:00 am

Outrage as hygienist eats ‘Cecilia’ the KFC chicken

cecilia

Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.

A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.

Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.

Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
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by | July 13, 2015 · 11:00 am

Man City agree £2.75m fee for bag of Monster Munch

Paying for potential

Paying for potential

Fresh from finally securing the transfer of Raheem Sterling from Liverpool, Manchester City have agreed to pay Tesco £2.75m for a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch.

City’s expert negotiators stopped off at a Tesco Express after a hard day thrashing out just how far over the odds they would pay for Sterling, and picked up the crisps. After a brief conversation with the store manager they agreed to hand over £2.75m, with a further £500k subject to appearances, for the pickled onion flavoured snack, which has a retail price of just 60p. Continue reading →

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by | July 3, 2015 · 6:54 am

Andy Murray regrets giving away racquet: ‘I’m going to need it tomorrow’

murray

Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.

Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.

“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”

Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.

Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.

“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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by | June 30, 2015 · 4:41 am

19 years on many still afraid Cliff will sing at Wimbledon again

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The horror! The horror!

It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.

“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading →

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by | June 27, 2015 · 9:12 am

BBC secures rights to broadcast coverage of Wimbledon tennis WAGs

MuzzaFans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.

Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading →

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by | June 24, 2015 · 12:08 pm

John Terry makes no comment

Terry keeps mum

Terry keeps mum

Despite reports, John Terry has made no comment whatsoever.

Evening Harold reporters have been camped outside John Terry’s London house for two days, waiting to get former England captain John Terry’s reaction to events. None has so far been forthcoming.

The lack of any sort of response, even just a blunt denial, has inevitably led to speculation that there is something to hide.
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by | June 14, 2015 · 8:00 am

Cricket fan insists on finishing sex under Duckworth-Lewis method

Duckworth-LewisA cricket fan’s marriage is on the rocks after his continued insistence on ending sex under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

When it came to matters of an intimate nature, Harold car dealer and local councillor Ron Ronsson would always insist he’d won the toss and choose to go first, according to divorce papers filed in Dunstable County Court.

The affidavit from Ronsson’s wife Yvonne said Ron was obsessed by cricket, especially the 20/20 format, and he would conduct his love making in the same high octane manner shouting ‘four!’, ‘six!!’, or ‘that’s a huge one !!!’ after each stroke.
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by | June 4, 2015 · 7:00 am

Dwile Flonking Executive to make doping compulsory

dwile

Definitely on something.

Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.

In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.

But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.

“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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by | June 2, 2015 · 10:35 pm

Sky and BT battle for rights to Blatter trial

blatter 3

Blatter auditions for ‘Call My Bluff’.

Sky and BT are locked in a fierce battle for the the rights to televise Sepp Blatter’s trial.

Sky are promising to debut their slow-motion car crash technology, and a resolution that could see their new star locked into a 20 year contract, excluding parole.

“This is an exciting event that everyone has been looking forward to for years”, said Rupert Murdoch.

“Trust me, we have a lot of experience in how the court system works. My son James is going to head up this bid.”
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by | June 1, 2015 · 11:32 am

Banks to look into FIFA accounts, looking for tips

imageBritish banks are to have in depth investigations in suspicious FIFA account to see if there is anything they can learn.

A spokesman for Barclays said: “It is looking like FIFA may have had some dodgy dealings happening through their accounts for the last 25 years. That’s impressive in anyone books, and we know about dodgy books. Continue reading →

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by | May 29, 2015 · 7:13 pm

New ‘Blatter’ alloy bounces back into shape no matter how bent

The indestructible Blatter!

The indestructible Blatter!

Engineers have produced an alloy that springs back into shape no matter how bent it appears.

Named Blatter after the indestructible president of FIFA, it is created by combining the resilient elements of Mugabe, Farage and various species of cockroach into an alloy which never seems to wear out, no matter what is thrown at it. Continue reading →

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by | May 28, 2015 · 11:18 am

Elderly Swiss chook denies responsibility for bad eggs

blatterAn elderly Swiss chook, Pegg Splatter, says a clutch of bad eggs has nothing to do with her, and she has absolutely no idea how they came to be found under her bottom.

American and Swiss poultry inspectors raided the Zurich henhouse looking for corrupted eggs, and their suspicions were aroused when Splatter shifted nervously on a bed of shredded brown envelopes and dollar bills.
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by | May 27, 2015 · 7:00 am

Born to run: persistence hunting moves to the gym

huntersize

“I’m working my way up to an antelope.”

Are you bored with going to the gym and drudging away on equipment in front of a mirror? But are you too soft to go outside? An ultra runner from Harold thinks he may have the answer.

“Man evolved to be a ‘persistence hunter’, tirelessly chasing down antelope to the point of exhaustion “, explained Dave Evans. “We were truly ‘born to run’, not to squeeze springs with our thighs. Which is why I put a cow on a treadmill.”

Evans has created a more natural gym in his barn, where wannabe Kalahari bushmen can pursue a range of animals for days at a time.

“I’m catering for the everyday gym-goer, so you can start with a fat hamster, or one of my old donkeys if you like”, said Evans. “And gradually work your way up to a heifer. Just keep pursuing it until it reaches the point of exhaustion, and then finish it off with a stick.”
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by | May 25, 2015 · 10:00 am

Sam Allardyce’s family resigns to spend more time at the football

HammersSam Allardyce’s wife Lynn says she’s taking a break from household duties to spend more time at the football following West Ham United.

“The timing just felt right” explained Lynn. “I’ve been responsible for our Canary Wharf apartment for over four years and I think I’m leaving it in a better place than I found it.”

“I didn’t have the budget some of the Russian apartment owners had, so to be voted 12th best apartment in the block is still a real achievement, especially when you consider three other owners were evicted.”
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