Category Archives: Sport

by | June 4, 2013 · 7:00 am

‘John McCririck sets precedent for companies to sack weird freaks everywhere’ claims C4

McCririck

McCririck may have lied on his CV when he claimed to be ‘not all that weird’

Channel 4 has hailed their sacking of John McCririck as ‘striking a blow against oddballs’, and has urged others saddled with irritating weirdos to do the same.

Turning up for work each day dressed some sort of  ‘shit Doctor Who’, no-one can remember how McCririck ever got past the interview process.

But while European law was supposed to stop employers treating normal people like disposable scum, there are fears the same protection has inadvertently been extended to nut-jobs.

“With his hand-tourettes and hair stolen from a badger’s pubic region, no-one in their right mind would justify keeping McCririck”, said a C4 executive.

Unfortunately for the broadcaster McCririck turned out to be quite old. That meant he could claim he wasn’t sacked for his abrasive personality, but because he might die fairly soon.
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by | June 3, 2013 · 11:00 am

Retired Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those shelves up’

FERGIE

Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.

Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.

Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.

“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”
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Picture Exclusive: Klay Rooney gives Wayne and Coleen their first sleepless night

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

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by | May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am
by | May 21, 2013 · 7:00 am

Venky’s set to buy, ruin Harold Thursday FC

He might get a game. On the wing.

He might get a game. On the wing.

Indian poultry firm Venky’s, the owners of Blackburn Rovers, have announced plans to buy and subsequently ruin local football team Harold Thursday.

With their mission to destroy Blackburn looking more successful by the day, the company have turned their sights to a new challenge and feel that the chance to take a team already playing in the 17th tier of English football, and attempt to make them even worse, presents the kind of opportunity that was too good to refuse. Continue reading →

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by | May 20, 2013 · 2:05 pm

Picture evidence shows Di Canio only 25% fascist

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(20% if you include the thumbs)

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by | May 16, 2013 · 5:23 pm

Becks announces retirement. Straight women announce no further interest in football

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You would. Don’t lie to us, you so would.

David Beckham has announced that he is to retire from football at the end of the season after 20 years in the game and spend more time trying to complete a word search from the 1987 Beano annual which he started as a 12 year-old.

The midfielder became the first Englishman to win championships in four different countries when PSG secure the Ligue 1 title and feels that the time is right to bow out of the game and concentrate on a children’s comic.

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by | May 15, 2013 · 2:30 pm

“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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by | May 9, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale

Won't muddy his boots for HTFC

Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that  the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading →

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by | May 8, 2013 · 10:57 am

Sir Alex leaves Manchester United in preparation to take over from the Queen

Previously crowned 'king of Europe' Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Previously crowned ‘king of Europe’ Fergie takes on a smaller challenge

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement from football today, positioning himself to take over managing the country from the Queen.

“I see Prince Charles is being sent to the commonwealth meeting in the Queen’s place to prepare him” Fergie told reporters. “These other countries need a leader they can trust and take seriously, so I will go with him.”

This move has led to speculation that not even the Queen can trust the Prince of Wales to take on the role as head of state when the time comes. Insiders at the palace have denied that claim, but with Sir Alex expected to sit beside the Queen during the state opening of Parliament, the rumours continue.

Earlier there were conflicting reports. Some had suggested he was going to take the top job at Reading FC, but the ‘royals’ he is going to manage turned out to be the Windsors.
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by | April 28, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Lazy women demand men-free space

We'll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

We’ll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

As women-only gym sessions grow in popularity exercisephobic women in Harold are demanding their own man-free space.

‘At the fitness centre in Dunstable they have women-only classes and women-only swimming sessions plus times when the whole place is only open to girls,’ Jane Hough wistfully told The Evening Harold. ‘I bet it’s brilliant but I can’t participate because I’m completely lazy and haven’t exercised since school.’

Fellow Haroldite Melissa Barker was quick to agree. ‘Fit women and those on the way to being fit get loads of gender-specific events,’ she said. ‘Like gym sessions and the Blimp to Shrimp slimming club in the village hall. But because I refuse to take responsibility for my own health and well-being I have to put up with men all the time and it’s not fair.’ Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 11:00 am

New track encourages jockeys to get on their high-horse

You can lead a horse to munchies...

You can lead a horse to munchies…

A new racecourse has been announced by a local council looking to take advantage of the recent trend in drugged up horses. The new type of racing will see the animals ‘under the influence’ competing to get to the finish line, where they will be rewarded with some ‘munchies’.

“Most races will be over a mile, but the track will be the widest in the country, allowing the horses to stagger from side to side” Joan Smith, head of ‘The Joan Smith’s Grand National’ project told us. “To ensure sure that all is fair, the jockeys will also be required to be high before taking their charge, which leaves the door open for an early return for Frankie Dettori”
The final 3 Furlongs here…

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by | April 25, 2013 · 1:51 pm

Local football team ‘shocked’ at 10 match ban for minor cannibalism incident

luis

Ate his Liverpool with a nice Chianti

Players and management of local football club Harold Thursday have reacted with anger and astonishment at the Trojan Prophylactic League’s decision to ban star striker Luis Nutter for ten games following the recent cannibalism incident in which the entire first team from visiting club Eccles were roasted over a spit and eaten during a goalmouth scramble.

Goalkeeper Willie Sprinkler spoke to journalists of his belief that Nutter, 26, had been singled out largely due to his birthplace: “Yes, he comes from Liverpool,” he conceded, “But even so, I consider myself a friend of Luis. League bosses in Felching are treating him different because he is a ‘Scouse’, and because he had the one previous incident where he went mental apeshit crazy and hungrily devoured a coach load of orphans.”

“He knows perfectly well that what he did was wrong, but a 10-game ban seems out of proportion. I think they’ve got it in for Luis a little bit, possibly because they too are orphans. It was fifty-fifty in the Eccles penalty area, ball to hand, could have gone either way, and on the spur of the moment our lad has reacted – split second decision – and eaten eleven men’s livers with a nice Chianti. It happens out in the park every day.”

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by | April 21, 2013 · 10:00 am

Evil dictatorship welcomed by Bahrain

f1 copyThere has been protests throughout Bahrain this week at the decision to allow a fierce and brutal dictatorship come and stage a race in the country. The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has been accused of ruling with an iron fist to create an environment of fear up and down the paddock.

The ruling parties main opposition, the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), have been involved in a long battle to try to install democracy into the sport, but have suffered casualties along the way, with Eddie Jordan now being ritually humiliated on television as punishment for past signs of dissent.

Click here to get to the finishing line…

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by | · 8:30 am

London marathon’s security assured as thousands of super-heroes set to run

2004 Flora London MarathonLondon marathon organiser, Dave Bedford, says he is confident this year’s event will be trouble-free after making it mandatory for all runners to be dressed as super-heroes and crime fighters.

“We should have at least 10,000 Supermen, many thousands of Batman and Robins, and a similar number of Spidermen” said Bedford.

“And with over 17,000 women runners expected to run as Wonder Woman, I’d be surprised if any villain would be able to concentrate long enough to get up to no good.”

Bedford says the varied skills of the super-heroes will make it impossible for evil to prevail.

“The super- heroes’ x-ray vision and supersonic hearing means potential evil-doers will be quickly spotted, and the many phone boxes on route will help ensure a rapid response.”

“Try any funny business and the malcontent will be captured in a spider’s web and then restrained between Wonder Woman’s lithe, yet powerful, thighs – oh my, I think I need a lie down.”
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by | April 20, 2013 · 11:00 am

London marathon to be conducted by public transport

BusOrganisers have sprung a surprise by announcing that all competitors in Sunday’s London marathon will have to complete the run by double decker bus, in a move inspired by pioneering British bus marathoner Rob Sloan.

Race director Dave Bedford justified the move saying, “it will reduce congestion on the course, virtually eliminate dehydration and injuries, and simplify logistics as we expect all the buses to arrive at the finish at the same time.”

Mr Bedford points out that the essence of the event is still being maintained.

“The buses will take runners from the start line and drive them 26 miles to a short finishing chute whereupon it will be a mad dash to the finish line. Throughout the race, the windows of the buses will be kept shut which should ensure all runners get a sweat up. Diehards can jog on the spot in the aisle if they so choose.”
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by | April 15, 2013 · 4:30 pm

Village forms Home Guard to combat Sunderland invasion threat

Di Cani who?

Di Cani who?

Alarmed at the total capitulation of the Toon Army to the fascist-led Sunderland regime, the village of Harold has set up a Home Guard to see the invading Black Cats off.

“We saw how Newcastle coped with just eleven men armed with nothing more than a swagger and a gob of spit” said bank manager and Home Guard leader Noel Clarke. “You need more than that to repel the serious threat of a Di Canio knee slide.”

With young people pre-occupied with mastering binge drinking and sharing Facebook spam, it fell on the older members of the village to form the core of the Home Guard. An eclectic mix of bank staff, and small businessmen stood ready to give fascism the heave ho.

Local butcher and councillor Bob Crossly, a veteran of football aggression in the 70s, appealed for calm saying “don’t panic” over and over again, before adding, “those Mackems don’t like it up em, excepting carrots of course.”
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by | April 14, 2013 · 6:15 pm

Masters Bitch and Putt almost ends in sudden death

GolferThe 23rd annual Harold Masters Pitch & Putt golf tournament reached a thrilling climax earlier today with a threat of sudden death as competitors’ mothers squared up to each other.

The Harold Masters, played over nine holes on the council course between the rec and the crem, was originally played by the men of the village but had to stop when it became over-competitive.  Players constantly fought to outdo each other with the worst outfit, and eventually the increasingly-loud plaid trousers, garish Pringle sweaters, two-tone shoes and leather gloves began to frighten the horses in a nearby field.

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by | · 3:30 pm

Brawling Millwall fans say they were honouring Thatcher with a minute’s violence

millwall-fans-fighting-600x426Millwall fans who were observed brawling at Wembley Stadium say criticism of them is unfair as they were merely observing a minute’s violence in honour of Margaret Thatcher.

“We knew from an article in the Evening Harold that the players had planned their own tribute with lunging two-footed tackles and elbows in the face” said life-long Millwall fan Dave Edwards.

“So us fans decided that despite our divided political beliefs, we needed to show Thatcher some respect in the only way we knew how – by 60 seconds of prolonged kicking and punching. Some of us were so respectful we kept brawling for over 10 minutes.”

Edwards said allegations of “mindless violence” were well wide of the mark. “I thought long and hard about were exactly to punch the Wigan fans – I reckon a blow to those Northern hearts is what Maggie would have wanted.
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by | April 13, 2013 · 9:00 am

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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by | April 12, 2013 · 11:30 am

Football players to honour Thatcher with a minute’s violence

TerryIn a major U-turn, Football Association chief David Bernstein has agreed that Margaret Thatcher will be honoured with a minute’s violence at this weekend’s FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley Stadium. The fact that both matches are North – South encounters only adds to their poignancy.

Chelsea hard man John Terry welcomed the chance to honour Thatcher, and said he hoped to do a two-footed challenge on Manchester City’s James Milner.

“There are no guarantees, but if I get the timing right, I could end his career” said Terry. “Another Northerner on the scrapheap would be just what Maggie wanted.”

“If I can steal milk from a small child at half-time, it will be even better.”
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