Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
Letwin doesn’t regret losing £3million “…as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?’
Appearing before the Commons public administration committee yesterday, an alleged minister claimed he’d spunked £3million of hard-working tax-payers’ cash down the drain because reasons. Not because he was an utter moron.
Oliver Letwin admits overruling government officials by paying £3m to Kids Company days before it collapsed but insists he doesn’t regret it “… as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?” Continue reading
Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.
Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness
Thanks to an ignored Freedom of Information request and a fiver we slipped to the editor’s niece who’s a whizz with computers, we’ve somehow uncovered the rather embarrassing exchange between David Cameron and his local Councillor:
From: David Cameron, PM [dave_24601@hotmail.com]
Sent: 10 November 2015 09:37
To: Ian Hudspeth
Cc: G-Dawg [rt.hon.gideon_osborne.ba.hons@etonmess.com]
Subject: Saving money
Hi lan,
Just a quick note to ask if you’ve explored all the options re: these possible ‘cuts’ to local services. Some of them would be counter-productive and actually cost money!
How about bulk-buying photocopy paper and paper clips? An old Uni chum says there’s savings there which wouldn’t affect service delivery. Maybe turn the thermostat down a degree or two?
Making cuts to vital local services won’t play well at the next local elections!
See what you can do, there’s a good chap.
Dave
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Filed under Politics
Jeremy Corbyn’s Privy Council swearing-in proved to be less frosty than envisaged thanks to the Queen quipping ‘while you’re down there sonny’ as he knelt before her.
Royal protocol is that new Privy Councillors kneel before the Queen and lightly kiss her hand, and there was concern staunch Republican Corbyn wouldn’t play ball.
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“Gott in Himmel – es ist Jeremy Corbyn”
In a small backtrack from yesterday, Sun editor Tony Gallagher conceded Mr Corbyn may have done a small nod as he laid a wreath at the Cenotaph, but said it was ‘too little, too late’ and Corbyn should have given the Hun a taste of cold, hard steel.
“We all know Corbyn is anti-war, but is it really too much to ask him to attach a bayonet to a Lee-Enfield rifle and slice through a few German tourists when it would mean so much for the veterans and their families?” said Gallagher.
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No-one’s allowed to protest any more, because picture
Sanctimonious free-market apologists have slammed so called “anti-capitalism protesters” for their hypocrisy in propping up big business by having the cheek to buy sandwiches and wear clothes.
“Look at them,” ejaculated big nob in the City Toby Ffitch-Romper this morning. “Look at them with their jeans and their bread-based lunch snacks. Bought from a shop. The hypocrisy’s lost on them, of course.”
“Don’t get me started on those Guy Fawkes masks. They’re made in China you know, by workers struggling in terrible conditions. I know, because my bank owns the factory.”
“What these sheeple don’t realise is that even their clothes are made by poorly-paid workers to enrich the very elite which they purport to be protesting against! Me, I don’t take any protester seriously unless they’re naked, with no hair product, and haven’t eaten in six months. Anyone else is just a bastard.”
Chartered Accountant Alan Renfrew was of a similar opinion. “They’re out there with banners, letting themselves be photographed by iPhones! I mean, can’t they see the irony?”
“Personally, I make all my telephone calls to my wife Beryl by means of a long length of string and two cans. That’s not a statement about our throw-away society, I’m just a weirdo.”
“I might not choose to take to the streets to bring down the giant corporations, but if I did, the fact that I dress entirely in my own fluff would mean I’m not literally drenched in the blood of Bangladeshi factory workers.”
“Were it not for the fact that I unfortunately happen to be a mass-murderer specialising in loom-workers from the Bangladesh area.”
“That is, however, by the by.”
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Filed under Civil rights, News, Politics
Nicky Morgan wonders if she could change the currriculum on Boxing day
The nation’s schools are today toasting Nicky Morgan, who plans to review how primary school pupils are assessed.
“That’s fantastic!” enthused Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery, when we broke the news to her this morning . “I’m bored with the current system, which is over a year old. Can you believe it, more than 12 months?” Continue reading
“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”
The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.
Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off. Continue reading
Just down the corridor you say?
Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Children, Education, Holidays, Law and Order, News, Politics, Tourism, Travel
Five seconds later Dave lay down in a puddle and let Xi Jinping walk over him
David Cameron has promised that his talks with Xi Jinping will be hard-hitting and that “nothing is off the table” when it comes to raising issues apart, of course, from raising issues.
“I say nothing but one has to be polite,” David Cameron said. “President Xi Jinping may not want to talk about certain things like human rights, anti-competitive business practices and why it might not be the best plan ever for the UK if China buys most of it. He may not even like the table in which case I’ll simply get on all fours and he can use me as a table or any other piece of furniture for as long as he wishes.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
It’s ‘Cunt’ with a ‘C’ not an ‘H’
Jeremy Cunt says he is sick and tired of immature prudes pretending his last name is ‘Hunt’.
“My last name is ‘Cunt’ and I have always been a ‘Cunt’” said Jeremy Cunt. “To call me ‘Hunt’ is disrespectful to me and it’s disrespectful to my parents Mike and Lyke.”
Mr Cunt said it was the 21st century and just because ‘cunt’ was slang for a vagina and also a strong term of abuse were no reasons for people to shy away from calling him ‘Cunt’.
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Filed under Politics
“I’m not sure what the question was.”
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has accidentally supported the Conservative party, after ‘instinctively’ voting against Labour party policy.
“This can happen if you’re a rebel, and you end up in charge”, said a spokesman. “It’s easy to forget that it was you who made the decision in the first place.”
Jeremy Corbyn has rebelled against his party more than 500 times during his career. Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell praised him for his consistency, but then changed his mind and called him a ‘scab’.
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Filed under Politics
Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories
Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.
“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”
“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading
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Filed under Intergalactic News, Politics
Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally
Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News, Politics
89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.
Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.
“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading
Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith
MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.
Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.
“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”
Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”
Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.
“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”
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Filed under Politics, Social media
Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.
Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.
A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.
Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
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