Category Archives: News

by | May 2, 2013 · 2:30 pm

MoD embarrassed over acquisition of ‘X-Ray specs’ for war zone security

The product looked so convincing, nobody was aware of the con

The product looked so convincing, nobody was aware of the con

Children’s magazines from the UK and the USA have been found guilty of fraud after they were caught advertising X-Ray specs.

The specs, which were seen advertised in many 70’s and 80’s magazines such as ‘Combat and Survival’, ‘Soldier of Fortune’ and even the usually reputable ‘Beano’ have been proven not to work, which not only put boys at risk as they tried to see their teacher’s underwear, but also our forces who were using the specs to look for hidden explosives.
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by | · 7:30 am

Bank of England regrets outsourcing printing of ‘Churchill’ £5 note

No, no, no, no, no

Is this the right Churchill? No, no, no, no, no

The Bank of England has said it ‘regrets’ the decision to outsource the printing of the new £5 note to a printer in China. The note that was hailed as the one to feature the image of Churchill on the back has inadvertently become an advertisement for car insurance.

The new governor of the bank, Paul Tucker, has apologised for the error and has admitted that in hindsight allowing the Chinese printers to ‘Google’ Churchill and then use the first image the search threw up was not the best idea.
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by | May 1, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Sadness as villagers receive benefits on prepaid cards

You want coins? You can’t handle the coins.

There was sadness and confusion in Harold as it became one of the first villages to trial the government’s new scheme of loading benefits onto a pre-paid card rather than paying them into bank or post office accounts. The cards are engineered to prohibit the buying of many items from alcohol to pet food to anything over a certain value.

“It’s horrible,” said Mark Keen, a full-time support worker at Piebald House. “The card makes me second-class. I work and pay taxes now there’s this Big Brothered thing that wont let me buy stuff. It’s humiliating plus The Squirrel Lickers is unbearable now. Can’t buy a pint and people with cash get to control the jukebox. Last time I was in Dominic Delaney kept putting James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on and no one had a coin to break the flow.” Continue reading →

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by | April 30, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Controversy as University of Life wins University Challenge final

sexy brenda

Brenda had all the answers

In a huge upset, the winner of the 2013 edition of University Challenge is the University of Life, a team composed entirely of Harold locals whose formal education ended at the age of 14 or earlier.

The University of Life’s victory was all the more surprising as the team had not qualified for the final, but was a last minute replacement for the University College of London who mysteriously didn’t turn up to the BBC studio on time.

University of Life team captain and Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said he felt for the University College of London team, but their navigational woes could have been easily avoided if they had spent less time studying classic Greek and Roman literature, and more time studying classic Wacky Racers cartoons, with the Dick Dastardly sign-switching routine.
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by | · 12:30 pm

UKIP clown blames car breakdown on failure to register for election

clown

Koko – the UKIP Candidate

Dave Koko, UKIP’s representative in the village council contest has admitted that a comedy of errors has resulted in his failing to register for this Thursday’s election.

Part time fireman, Koko, 35, who has been a UKIP member for five years, was previously a member of the Monster Raving Loony Party but he was excluded for being too extreme.

Wearing his trademark UKIP outfit complete with red nose and size 19 shoes, Koko blamed his car for his not making the deadline for filing his election papers. ‘My car is always breaking down,’ he sighed. ‘First it stops moving so I get out and open the bonnet. Then water spurts into my face, so I kick the car in retaliation. Then the doors fall off and the tyres go flat. Finally the bumpers crash to the ground and the car gives out a loud fart. It’s getting beyond a joke!’ Continue reading →

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by | · 9:08 am

Reduced prison privileges sees Chris Huhne appeal for early release and a return to Westminster

Chris Huhne seeks return to public 'funded' life

Chris Huhne seeks return to public ‘funded’ life

Chris Grayling has announced reforms to prison privalidges that will see prisoners having to earn the right to Sky TV, full access to their money, and viewig DVDs rates 18.

This has seen disgraced ex-MP Chris Huhne appeal for early release to try and become a parliamentarian again.

“Being here is like being a member of parliament” Mr Huhne told us in his new found truthful manner.

“Accommodation, Sky subscription and free porn all funded by the tax payer make things quite pleasant and homely. But now we may have to actually work for those rights, I have no other option than to return Westminster.”
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by | · 7:30 am

Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign

Vandal 'obsessed' with brown finger-post

Vandals are sniffing out brown finger-posts

Harold’s popular anal museum is facing an onslaught from vandals, hell-bent on defacing the signpost with an additional ‘C’.

Villagers are proud of their museum of anuses, and its collection of rare sphincters and historical ring pieces. Located down a back alley between Harold’s twin bunshops, the damage to the sign has left some curious would-be visitors  complaining that they’re struggling to gain access.

“For some reason, these puerile little sods think it’s funny to vandalise our sign, so it looks like we’re some kind of ‘canal museum’”, whined head curator Janet Brown.
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by | April 29, 2013 · 8:00 am

Replica Stonehenge to be built using ‘authentic Welsh slaves’.

Stonehenge wastelandA local religious group, the Druids of Harold, have embarked on a project to bring some mystical culture to the village with a life-sized replica of Stonehenge. The replica will be made with the same rock as the original, which will be dug up in Pembrokeshire and will be transported by the same means using forced Welsh slavery.

The rocks, which will weigh around 25 tons each, will be taken over water along the south coast of Wales and then up the river Avon. They will then rolled on top of tree trunks on the road, going on the M4 southbound, clockwise around the M25, then north on the M1, before coming off at Dunstable and onward to Harold.
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by | April 28, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Lazy women demand men-free space

We'll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

We’ll overthrow the patriarchy tomorrow today is about cake

As women-only gym sessions grow in popularity exercisephobic women in Harold are demanding their own man-free space.

‘At the fitness centre in Dunstable they have women-only classes and women-only swimming sessions plus times when the whole place is only open to girls,’ Jane Hough wistfully told The Evening Harold. ‘I bet it’s brilliant but I can’t participate because I’m completely lazy and haven’t exercised since school.’

Fellow Haroldite Melissa Barker was quick to agree. ‘Fit women and those on the way to being fit get loads of gender-specific events,’ she said. ‘Like gym sessions and the Blimp to Shrimp slimming club in the village hall. But because I refuse to take responsibility for my own health and well-being I have to put up with men all the time and it’s not fair.’ Continue reading →

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by | April 27, 2013 · 1:30 pm

Burglar rejects judge’s plan to send him to prison.

burglar copyA Harold man who was sentenced to 6 years in prison after being found guilty of 18 counts of burglary has rejected the judge’s plan and suggested an alternative proposal “in the spirit of the judge’s recommendation” that doesn’t involve him going to prison.

Paul David broke into houses in Harold and Felching over a period of three months and stole thousands of pounds worth of valuables, but he insists that prison is not the answer as it could set a dangerous precedent in restricting his freedom.

“What I am proposing instead is an independent regulatory body, made up mostly of members of my family, with the power to review any incidents they feel are inappropriate and make recommendations as to my future conduct.” said Mr David,
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by | · 11:43 am

Britain’s beleaguered badgers get sex raccoon makeover

sexraccoon

Maxord denies badgering clients

With TB, culls and being awful at crossing roads to contend with, there’s never been a worse time to be a badger.

But a media raccoon thinks he can help Britain’s embattled brocks, by giving them a cheeky public relations makeover.

Cliff Maxord, a shuffling scavenger with a nose for publicity, thinks badgers need to work on their image. And with their stripy little faces and bumbling gait, they’re already half-way to being mistaken for raccoons.
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by | · 9:00 am

Police action delayed by failure to agree on catchy name for the operation

brainstormRed faced police chiefs have admitted that a major crime investigation was held up for months due to their failure to agree a suitable code name for the operation.

Speaking at a press conference following publication of an Independent Police Complaints Commission report condemning the ineptitude of the Eastern Counties Police Force, Chief Constable Paul Kingsley admitted that there had been more focus on image than on tracking down the illegal migrant worker crime ring that the task team was intended to pursue.

Defending his actions, Kingsley was anxious to stress that the police were not institutionally publicist and explained that it was important to find a code name for an operation. Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Singing in playground banned as Minister says culture must be presented as a commodity

Shhhh!

Shhhh!

St Mary’s Church of England Primary School in Harold has banned its pupils from singing in the playground following a speech by Culture Secretary Maria Miller in which she said that culture must be presented as a commodity. The headteacher of St Mary’s, Alison Lee, said that she is confident other schools will make the same decision.

‘Maria Miller said that “when times are tough and money is tight, our focus must be on culture’s economic impact” and once we as a staff team team had considered the monetary value of pupils singing and putting on little dance shows shows in the playground just for fun then it became clear that this was something that we had to put a stop to.’ Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

New track encourages jockeys to get on their high-horse

You can lead a horse to munchies...

You can lead a horse to munchies…

A new racecourse has been announced by a local council looking to take advantage of the recent trend in drugged up horses. The new type of racing will see the animals ‘under the influence’ competing to get to the finish line, where they will be rewarded with some ‘munchies’.

“Most races will be over a mile, but the track will be the widest in the country, allowing the horses to stagger from side to side” Joan Smith, head of ‘The Joan Smith’s Grand National’ project told us. “To ensure sure that all is fair, the jockeys will also be required to be high before taking their charge, which leaves the door open for an early return for Frankie Dettori”
The final 3 Furlongs here…

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by | · 8:00 am

Bus stop gets a ‘blue plaque’ to celebrate its conception rates

Despite the rumours, the plaque was stuck on with glue

Despite the rumours, the plaque was stuck on with glue

A local bus stop has been given the honour of receiving a blue plaque in recognition of its contribution to successful conception rates in the village.

It is believed that over half of the residents of Harold have been conceived in the bus stop, and as a quick look in the adjacent litter bin will testify many more have had practice sessions.

The plaques, which are seen up and down the country, are used to denote buildings of significant importance. The shelter will be the first rural bus stop to receive the honour .
– Read more here…>

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by | April 25, 2013 · 11:30 am

Man reaches the limit of cyberspace: says we’re gonna need a bigger Internet

The answer to life, the univ and everything

The answer to life, the Internet and everything

Dan Brooks, office manager at Harold estate agents Lacrymans & Co, has inadvertently discovered the answer to the Internet by becoming the first person to view every page and click every link.

‘When I first went online in the late nineties there wasn’t much to see and then as the Internet grew I suppose I was just like everyone else,’ Brooks said. ‘I’d surf between a couple of dozen sites during the day then get drunk on Saturday nights and email poems about mince to my mother-in-law or buy fifteen kilograms of midget gems off eBay. It was all perfectly normal.’

However that normality ended six months ago when a serious typing error didn’t lead to a To The Manor Born fansite but a gallery of gerontophile porn and Brooks found himself on a journey to the furthest outreaches of cyberspace. Continue reading →

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by | April 24, 2013 · 5:04 pm

Theresa May backs down over Jordan’s assurances

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan's

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan’s

Theresa May has had to perform another government u-turn over the planned deportation of Abu Qatada. Following the announcement that there were fresh assurances over his treatment by Jordan, she has since had to admit that Katie Price was not in the best position to judge such things.

“I tried to get some reassurances from the country but turned up to the meeting a day late so I asked Ms Price. She said that his safety would be guaranteed with her, as long as he was willing to make a television show about it.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Village divided as breastfeeding in public banned

9e03a8a110ca6aa61488e5010a63184eAs the law banning breastfeeding in public anywhere in Harold today comes into force villagers remain divided over the issue.

‘We never had breastfeeding when I was a lad. Not with there being a war on,’ said lifelong Haroldite Tom Stalling. ‘My granddaughter just had her youngest christened; afterwards we had a bit of a do in the Squirrel Lickers and she breastfed little Alfie during it. It’s easy in pubs, you just avert your eyes and head to the bar as soon as woman with a baby in her arms undoes a button.’

A dissenting opinion was expressed by Professor Julia Hogsburn. ‘Yes, yes it’s all very natural and delightful I’m sure but my problem with it is that women who breastfeed in public usually turn into one of those women. The sort who can’t imagine that we’re not all entranced by this wonderful example of motherhood and would prefer to get through our day without someone waving their boobs around and babbling about latching on as if it is something other than meaningless.’
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by | April 23, 2013 · 11:30 am

Teachers told to not use pupil’s blood for marking homework in case it upsets them

blood1In yet another example of correctional politicalness gone wild, a school has barred its teachers from marking children’s homework using pupil’s blood. Apparently the molly-coddling move is aimed at preventing hurting students’ feelings, and stopping them bleeding to death.

The MP for Harold, Spencer Chadwick, took his concerns to Parliament after a local teacher approached him saying her secondary school had suddenly banned staff using pupil’s blood.

“Apparently it is all about not wanting to discourage youngsters if their work is marked wrong” fumed Mr Chadwick.

“But children need to understand the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong, and what better way to do that than use a vial of a pupil’s own blood to scrawl over every misplaced apostrophe. It’s polectional correticalness gone mad.”
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by | · 8:00 am

Game called off after player biting incident – Weekly round up

Harold’s Weekly News Round Up
There was controversy yesterday after a care assistant reported Elsie Duggan, the only resident of The Over-The-Hill Nursing Home, for biting her during a game of gin rummy. After the game, Manager Marjorie Houndstooth played down the incident, saying she had been unsighted when the alleged offence took place. She said that Elsie, 86, has been told to “pack it in” but pointed out that Elsie only put in her teeth for “big occasions”.
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