Category Archives: News

Quarter of a million birthday cards are pulped without Prince George even seeing them

"At least I've more hair than my Dad"

“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”

There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.

Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.

“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading

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Tour de France still happening

Still going

Still going

The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.

This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading

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Another gaffe as Miliband calls for Russia to be kicked out of Commonwealth Games

"Moi, out of touch?"

“Moi, out of touch?”

Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.

Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones

“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading

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Urban regeneration halted as UK runs out of hipsters

hipsters

These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.

The process of making every community in the UK full of boutique coffee places, vinyl record shops, and self-styled creative hubs, but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants, has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.

Harold couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading

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Labour to re-nationalise buffet cars

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Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.

“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.

“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
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Commonwealth Games athlete claims early sprint record after norovirus outbreak

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities

An outbreak  of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.

According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading

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Cheryl Cole releases details of her secret publicity stunt

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Cheryl Cole has taken to her website to reveal details of her secret publicity stunt. The stunt took place 7 days ago, but the lack of mainstream coverage forced her to reveal the details herself to “stop the constant speculation about [her] private life, should that constant speculation that isn’t happening, happen”.

In an interview with herself she explained: “I know what it is like being in the limelight, even if it’s been a while since I was. If I’m honest, when Jean-Bernard and I decided we were going to have a publicity stunt we were hoping our special day would caught on camera by the paparazzi.
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Prince Charles joins Lord Carey in backing assisted dying

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Prince Charles has joined former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey in giving his backing legislation that will allow the family of terminally ill people to assist them in dying.

“Take my own mother” he pleaded with doctors, before explaining his position further.

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Committee finds Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply

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A committee of MPs has published a report today that suggests Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply.

They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.

Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
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Cameron admits: “Legalised government phone hacking Coulson’s idea”.

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Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.

Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.

“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”

Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.

“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”

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Everyone involved in at least one cover-up apart from you

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Don’t be fooled by appearances, even happy camel girl has something to hide

Research has shown that you are the only person in the UK not involved in at least one cover-up for various offences.

With the media dominated by stories of suspicious City deals, NHS scandals, and, sadly, crimes of a much darker nature all being hushed up, it turns out that only you are not involved in any way. Continue reading

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Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

osbornegambling

More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

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‘We would have beaten Germany’ insists Roy Hodgson

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

Currently on the run: may be delusional.

England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.

Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading

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Tightened airport security sees iPhones confiscated as users fail to show battery works

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A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.

“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.

“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”

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Ed Miliband becomes latest Labour member refusing to back leader, Ed Miliband

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Ed Miliband has become the latest high-profile member of the Labour Party to refuse to back its leader, Ed Miliband.

“People want a leader they can trust to make the big decisions and be decisive in their implementation,” Mr Miliband wrote on twitter, on the understanding his followers would keep it a secret.

“I struggle to chose what tie to wear for the day. That’s why I have a tie advisor and carry spares in my pocket in case I change my mind.

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Local Christians criticized for holding church fete during Ramadan

Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation

Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation

A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.

Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading

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Tesco courts controversy with its Alex Salmond fillets (also comes smoked)

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Mmm, politics can be so delicious

First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading

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Court upholds ban on religious headwear – rioters balaclavas still Ok.

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The European Court of Human Rights has upheld France’s ban on women wearing a veil or other full far covering for religious reasons, but say you can still cover your face for rioting reasons.

“Although they may wish to cover up for their religious beliefs and for their personal views on modesty, it is a more important human right that the far-right in France can see the Muslim they are hating,” the judge at the court said.

“However if these women still insist on covering up, then they need to join the likes of the EDL, Golden Dawn, and France’s National Front and exercise their right to don a full face balaclava to avoid being identified when setting fire to a mosque.”

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Rolf Harris jailed for naming his daughter Bindi

" Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?"

” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”

Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.

In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”

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Facebook’s secret experiment finds friends’ negative posts make us feel better about ourselves

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Facebook has revealed it’s secret experiments on users’ news feeds failed to change their emotions and most people remained smug when reading about a their friends’ misfortunes.

The experiment was designed to see if users seeing negative posts from people on their friends list made them feel more negative themselves, however the opposite seems to be true.

“Seeing my friends post about their boring lives or family arguments always make me feel better about my own life,” one user told us.

“Sometimes it’s like watching an internet version of Jeremy Kyle right their on my phone or PC. You can’t help but feel better about yourself as you scroll through other people’s misery.”

“And a picture of their McDonald’s dinner with the hashtag #nomnom somehow makes my steak taste better.”

They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.

“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.

“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”

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