Category Archives: News

Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball

Cbhitler

It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

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Filed under DWP, idiots, News

£26 charge to pick up fallen pensioners ‘is proof mankind now living in hell’

devil-04 - Copy

You’ll never leave

The news that a local council in Essex is proposing to charge old people £26 to come round and pick them up after a fall is the final proof that mankind has now left the physical plane and entered hell, according to experts.

Scientists and theologians have been convinced for years that the much-prophesied end of the world actually happened last year without us realising it we are now all inhabiting the pits of hell.

The problem with this theory is that it has been very hard to prove, especially as things weren’t exactly great before.

Now, however, Tendring local council in Essex have decided to charge pensioners who are already paying for care an extra £26 if they fall over, and this is the clearest sign anyone could want that humans are now living a miserable cursed existence in the pits of hades.

A spokesperson for Tendring council confirmed that this was indeed the case, saying: “We have a responsibility to balance funding for all non-essential projects, and exist only to serve our Lord Satan, the great evil master.”

Most people were of the opinion that the Hell thing was no excuse for Tendring council’s behaviour.

“We might be consigned to Hades, being tormented for eternity by all his demons,” complained one, “But you’d still expect better standards than this.”

Others were generally relieved to have life’s great mystery explained to them. “We might all be in Hell now,” pointed out one of the damned, “But at least I finally feel like I understand the Daily Mail.”

 

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Filed under News, Religion, science

“Should UKIP’s leader be a UKIP MP?” asks UKIP’s MP

Farage-radio

invited onto every single, bloody politics programme

UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.

“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”

Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Grave fears for Daily Mail’s editor as twelve hours pass without Jeremy Corbyn smear

DacreDaily Mail editor Paul Dacre is missing, presumed dead, after no Jeremy Corbyn smears have been published for over 12 hours.

The absence of Corbyn smears for that length of time was very out of character for the Mail, according to police spokesman Edwin Wallis.
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Mourinho sacks Chelsea

image

I’m letting you go…

In a move which has seemed inevitable for some time, Chelsea Football Club were last night finally sacked by manager Jose Mourinho.

Chelsea have been struggling this season, but given their pedigree it still came as a shock to many to see them let go. However, in recent weeks, it seems that the dressing room had completely lost the goodwill of the manager, which could only lead to them moving on.

In what some are calling the coup of the century, it is believed that Manchester United are preparing an audacious bid for the unemployed Chelsea team, as they currently don’t have one.

Mourinho issued a brief statement, thanking Chelsea for their contribution since he returned as manager, “but results have not been good enough this season, and we believe it is in the interests of both parties to go our separate ways.”

“I wish to make clear that Chelsea leave me on good terms, and will always be welcome to visit me at my villa in the Algarve.”

It is understood that as part of the severance package, Mourinho will allow Chelsea to continue to pay him until the end of the season.

A few commentators have noticed that it is more usually the club which sacks the manager, rather than the other way round, suggesting that no matter how special Mourinho might be, he will have trouble winning games without any players.

Others pointed out that it will be highly enjoyable to see the former Chelsea boss standing on the touchline alone, angrily blaming referees as the other team scores goal after goal completed unopposed.

In other words, business as usual, was the general opinion.
* Thanks to Alan Usher for the Man Utd line!

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Filed under News, Sport, Troubled Families

“Fracking heist!” Thieves to tunnel in and escape with the loot

fracking300300

FRACKING HELL!

A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.

The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.

Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.

Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.

A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”

The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.

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Filed under environment, News, Politics, science, Technology

Thatcher’s estate to auction ‘that Tank’

thatchertank

On the lookout for an Argie, or an Arthur

A Challenger Tank once driven by Margaret Thatcher, is to be sold in aid of orphans Carol and ‘Sir’ Mark Thatcher.

Chuffed by the sale of a red ministerial box for £242,500, the family are keen to sell some other things that taxpayers thought they’d paid for.

The dusty Battle Tank, ‘found’ in a mews lock-up near her last home, with its keys still in the ignition, will shortly go under the hammer, as will Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Dismay as new Star Wars movie turns out to be musical

sound-of-music-tour

These aren’t the brown paper packages tied up with string you’re looking for…

Movie-goers were left disgusted today after the long-awaited new Star Wars movie turned out to be, in fact, a musical.

This news story could go on to cleverly explain how this disaster could have come about, but we all know that what we’re really here for is the list of songs.

So (gulp) here we go, then:

“Send in the Clones”
“Han’s up, baby, Han’s up!”
“Don’t cry for me, Grand Moff Tarkin”
“Summer Jedi Knights”
“Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Golden Metal Slave Bikini!”
“Don’t Luke back in anger”
“Ewok Around the Clock”
“Yoda one that I want”
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Filed under Movies, News

Britain First dismiss Shaker Aamer’s rebuke to terrorists: “Ten years too late”.

aamersmall

Howdy

Shaker Aamerhas has told extremists to “get the hell out” of the UK and denounced Islamist attacks, but Britain First dismissed this as ‘bollocks’, calling for him to swear loyalty to the Queen, the United Kingdom and the Church of England.

Aamer had been held in captivity for 14 years, in the US government’s fight against people who, if given half a chance, would strip US citizens of their right to a fair trial.

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Filed under News, Religion

Town plunged into darkness after solar panel craze

black

Harold, midday today. Mayor Jackson on the left.

The English town of Harold was plunged into utter blackness today after a smooth-talking salesman persuaded the majority of inhabitants to install solar panels.

Over in the US, the wise residents of Woodland, North Carolina recently banned solar panels for this very reason, arguing that their proliferation would suck all the energy out of the sun and bring the world into constant night.

Unfortunately for the simple people of Harold, this simple scientific principle is not widely-understood in the UK, leading to a nightmare scenario where nothing grows and vampires stalk the streets.

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Filed under News, science, Weather

Embarrassment as thumbscrews found in Tony Blair’s hand luggage

thumbscrewFormer Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.

Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.

It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.

These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.

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Filed under News, Tony Blair

Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Famer regrets shutting stable door after horse bolts

stable-door

The sight that met Lucy when she returned home

Harold’s well-known organic farmer, Ted Evans regrets locking up his stable last Friday , after his horse was startled by an oddly-shaped carrot and galloped off, in what seemed to be a bid for free-range status.

“It were wicked cold on Friday night, well below minus 10 in fact.” says Evans “When I let the dogs out the next morning, I found old Lucy frozen solid to the concrete, just inches away from her heated stall. I could even see faint hoofy scratch marks on the stable door and her little nose was still stuck to the handle.”   Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, News

Sports Direct staff now ‘forced to build pyramid’

ashley_pyramid

Diamond Giza?

Concerns are growing over the conditions facing Sports Direct employees after it emerged that most of them are now spending 12-hour days slaving over the construction of pyramids under the harsh desert sun.

The company has long had a reputation for poor treatment of staff, with zero-hours contracts, below minimum-pay wages and frequent beatings, but this is thought to be the first time that workers have actually been roped to huge blocks of stone and whipped until they dragged them huge distances on crude rollers.

The company controls a wide variety of famous brands, including Dunlop and Slazenger, but never before has it diversified into enormous burial sites.

“My child had to stay at school when he was sick,” complained one anonymous worker, “because we’re not allowed mobile phones at work, so the teachers couldn’t contact me. Also, I was chained to a thousand other slaves, slowing dragging a hundred-ton block of limestone.”

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Filed under News, Shopping

Katie Hopkins outraged by Donald Trump’s ‘respected columnist’ slur

Do I look like a 'respected columnist?'

Do I look like a ‘respected columnist?’

Katie Hopkins is furious Donald Trump called her a ‘respected columnist’ instead of her proper title ‘Queen of intolerant bile’.

Hopkins, who hates everyone, said ‘respected columnist’ made it sound like she writes for the Times, or worse still, the Guardian.

“I don’t ‘write’, I spit out bile into a receptacle known as the Daily Mail”, frothed Hopkins.
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Filed under News, Politics

Oops! Tories thought bullying dossier was Jeffrey Archer novel

archer

it was too well written & the plot wasn’t unbelievable

A top Tory, who’d denied being aware of bullying complaints before 2015, said today “Ah, I remember it now! At first, I thought the 2010 dossier was Iain Duncan Smith’s new policy for the disabled; then that it was a draft of a Jeffrey Archer novel”.

“Of course, with hindsight it was too well written, the plot  wasn’t unbelievable and I didn’t want to scratch my eyes out. I feel such a fool.”

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Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial

tony-blair

Dr Kelly? Nope. That’ll be £60,000. £50,000 for cash

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Bono to sing ‘Je Suis Un Belle-Ende’ for Paris

Bono_helmet

Enorme tete de coque rouge

Following U2’s announcement that they are to record a song to show their solidarity with Paris, there has been massive popular enthusiasm for the suggestion that Bono should sing the classic French ballad “Je Suis Un Belle-Ende”.

A spokesman from the French embassy in London, visibly fighting back tears of emotion, explained to reporters today that the song referred to a symbol of protection for others, saving them from harm in the face of attack, and could be literally translated as “I am your helmet”.

Bono gave keen support to the idea in an interview to French journalists this morning.

“They tell me it’s a common French phrase, down on the streets. I think it is amazingly moving. I can feel myself being moved right now.”

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Filed under music, News, Smug

Public advised to avoid dangerous attacks by standing in front of Chelsea strikers

Just make sure you don't die laughing

Just make sure you don’t die laughing

The only way for the UK public to be completely safe from dangerous attacks is to stand in front of Chelsea strikers, preferably in the goal, according to Metropolitan police chief Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

“Today’s Leytonstone station attack shows that the risk of terror attacks remains very high. The best way to be safe from attack is to position yourself in front of the Chelsea strikers as near to the goal as possible. Standing near Chelsea’s toothless midfield is also quite a good option” said Sir Bernard.
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Syrian children devastated pro-bombing Labour MPs feel bullied

boy rubbleSyrian children are very upset that pictures of them injured and covered in rubble have caused such distress to 66 pro-bombing Labour MPs.

“It’s just awful those MPs feel bullied and upset as the result of my thoughtlessness in going to the playground with my brother and sister just before the missile hit” said Ahmed, aged 11, as he wiped a tear and some bomb dust from his eye.
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Filed under News, War