Getting your suitcase may take a while
Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.
“When I got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold. Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking heat from downstairs! So I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”
Ukraine ‘never got letter from Gazprom about price increase’.
Ukraine has left angry messages on several utility comparison websites, complaining that the boxes for entering annual kilowatt hours for gas consumption are far too small.
“It was bad enough having to convert 55 billion cubic metres into kilowatt hours,” said Ukraine’s Energy Minister Yuriy Prodan, “then really annoying to find the box was too small for all the zeros.”
Uswitch and moneysupermarket.com have both replied to Ukraine, saying they are sorry the size of the boxes did not meet the customer’s expectations. “On the other hand,” said a spokesman for uSwitch, “we did point out that where it says ‘domestic usage’, the box is for a single household, not an entire sovereign nation recognised by international law.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, International News
The person behind the one pound coin, the so-called ‘Britcoin’, is alleged to be a reclusive 87 year old Windsor woman known as ‘the Queen’.
Britcoins are a widely used used offline currency that varies widely in value. While they can be used for legitimate purposes, they are commonly used to anonymously pay for drugs, prostitutes, and Starbucks coffees.
The identity of the woman pictured on the Britcoin has long been a mystery, but reporters from the Daily Mail are convinced that the mysterious ‘Elizabeth 11’ is actually a wealthy landowner who now calls herself ‘the Queen’. The reporters say the Queen has stockpiled over a billion Britcoins, but still relies on others to pay her bills.
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Filed under Business, Royals, Technology
Chris claims he thought 'BBC' stood for 'Bumpers, Boot and Cupholders'
Former Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles has said he is disappointed to discover he is not a second-hand car salesman as declared on his 2008 self-assessment tax return. The news came to Moyles during a tribunal into a claim he used “working wheels” to avoid paying up to £1m in tax.
“I genuinely thought I had what it takes,” Moyles said in a statement. “I had over £600,000 appearing in my bank account that year and hadn’t even kicked a tyre, let alone set foot on a forecourt. Imagine how well I could have done if I had put more into it.
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Filed under Business, Entertainment, News
“Oh bollocks. What do I say now?”
New Barclays logo also very popular
In a shock announcement which has delighted the nation, Barclays has confirmed that it plans to create between 10,000 and 12,000 jobs this year, and has decreased its bonus pool by 10%.
Campaigners praised Barclays for showing how a massive company can make a huge difference to the lives of ordinary workers, without doing any harm to efficiency or profitability.
“I suppose this may not be what people expected”, Chief Executive Antony Jenkins told the Evening Harold, “But we just realised that all this stuff about having to pay ever huger bonuses to ‘attract talent’ is actually pure bollocks. It turns out that there are quite a few bright people who would be more than happy to earn 100 grand a year without ten times that as a bonus – who’d have thought it?”
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An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house
Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”
Canal and River Trust took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with its rather old-fashioned values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading
Large, or really close? – GM Super Cows are ‘upsettingly big’ claim protesters
Huge, genetically modified cows that were created using rat genes have brought howls of protests at a local farm.
Standing at over three metres tall and weighing as much as five tonnes, each cow can produce around 180 litres of milk a day.
The mega cattle were initially conceived to get round EC milk quotas, which are based on the number of heads in a herd. But despite quotas being phased out the moo-sive cows are gaining popularity, this time as a simple show of farming might.
The cows were produced by China’s burgeoning biotech sector, combining genes from a regular Holstein-Friesian cow and a rat. “Rats have an amazing property: they never stop growing”, explained head of research at Deng Bio, Dr Wei Tsao. “By combining this trait with the highly productive Holstein, we have created an enormous cow with lucrative udders.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Farming, Technology
Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.
Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.
An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.
“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
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With 3D printing on the increase and a Manchester company claiming to have made a pair of 3D printed knickers, Harold’s very own ‘3D printing prototype’ has finally finished ‘printing’ a jumper.
“The project has been going for a while now, but we finally have a finished product” a spokesman for the Over-The-Hill retirement home, which houses the printer, told us.
“The technology is still a bit primitive, but Elsie Duggan, 86, can now knit 3D scarfs, over-sized 3D jumpers and gloves for people with six fingers.”
Which would you choose?
Cllr Ron Ronnson has attempted to justify to a committee why the local council spent £35k on a stapler expert last year.
Julia Evans is regarded as the country’s leading stationery expert, and has done some ground-breaking work in the area of staplers. What’s more, she claims to have ‘cracked the staple code’. Incredibly, she says she can tell a strip of No.10s from a rogue pair of 26/6s.
“Until quite recently, people in offices assumed the numbers written on the boxes of staples were entirely random”, explained Evans. “But thanks to my team of dedicated research fellows, we think we’re on the verge of understanding them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Politics
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”
Hollande has experienced growth in certain areas.
Our reporter is at a press conference with the French President Francois Hollande. The President has stated he will not be drawn on the private matter of his alleged affair with a young actress:
Press: ‘Monsieur Hollande, your 75% higher tax rate looks set to reduce overall tax receipts, as the wealthy move their business interests to other European countries. Is political dogma more important than balancing the books?’
Hollande: ‘Please, please. It is too early to say qui will move in with qui, ou ‘ow much we might save dans les heating bills. That is a private matter between moi et un attractive actress 15 years plus younger than me. I want to focus dans le economy, not le exquisite firmness of her young, heaving bosom.’
Press: ‘The country’s credit rating was recently reduced for a second time. What are your plans to improve the cost of borrowing?
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Perhaps we got the wrong address.
A ‘missing persons’ alert has been issued after it was revealed that no-one had heard from Vodafone customer services for over a month.
Confused, vulnerable and ostensibly deaf, Vodafone customer services is thought to be ‘at considerable risk’ of making anyone they may meet ‘frustrated, desperate and dangerously angry’.
According to investigating officer PC Flegg, ‘it’s not hard to imagine even Gandhi flipping out and stoving their head in with his sandal. We think they may have an extreme personality disorder, which compels them to ignore other people for as long as the money rolls in.’
The alarm was first raised when neighbours noticed there was a lot of milk bottles left on the step, and most of them had rolled-up notes stuck in the top.
‘I read a few’, revealed Flegg. ‘They mostly said things like ‘twats’, ‘bell-ends’ and ‘grrrr’. It’s almost as if people are trying to communicate without being able to resort to their phones.’
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Filed under Business, Technology
Crimewatch ‘very keen’ to recreate scenes from sale frenzy.
A ‘sale frenzy’ in a local chocolatiers that led to 14 arrests has been attributed to an undiagnosed diabetic.
‘Brown Dollops’ of Harold, purveyors of novelty chocolate excretions, opened their doors to a rowdy crowd of shoppers at 9am this morning only to have to close them again at 9.22.
“It was bedlam”, said shop assistant Diane Orrocks. “There were at least 7 customers jostling to be served first. That’s as many punters as there are days in a week”, lending proof to manager Brian Oswald’s claim that Orrocks is a keen amateur mathematician.
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Health
‘Welcome aboard flight EJ563. Our destination is classified.’
Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.
Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.
“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”
The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.
Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.
Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.
“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.
A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.
“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”
Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.
“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”
Garages expect their peak trading to be 7pm Christmas Eve
After Cyber Monday and Black Friday, two of the biggest shopping days online and on the High Street, shops and garages all over the UK are bracing themselves for Man Monday. The day, which this year falls just two days before Christmas, sees 90% of men start their Christmas shopping.
The British Retail Consortium say although this may not be the most profitable day of the shopping year, it is a great chance for them to get rid of the tat that didn’t sell before the Boxing Day sales.
The ‘swede’ smell of success.
An amateur perfumier is facing a ruinous legal fight, after ignoring a ‘cease and desist’ order from Donna Karan.
Farmer Phil Evans from Harold turned his hand to producing cosmetics, because ‘it seemed less bother than rummaging about in cows’.
DNKY ‘Be Gert Lush’ is literally a ground-breaking new scent: it’s made from a combination of root vegetables and a strange liquid he found beneath the chicken shed. “On top of that there’s some animal glands that are a bit too rank for sausages”, he smiled. “That’s just what they do with the posh stuff, that is. Only they normally calls it ‘musk’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Law and Order
For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.
It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.
“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold. “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”
But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale. “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business
“A fool and his money divided”
Artist Damien Hirst’s plan to build hundreds of houses in the north Devon countryside has been described as his most ‘breathtakingly bold’ and ‘shocking’ artistic statement since 1991’s famous ‘Rotten Shark in Brine’ piece.
In a work entitled “The Physical Impossibility of an Overdraft in the Bank Account of Hirst”, the artist has submitted a planning application to North Devon council for 750 homes, a school, shops, health centre, cycle path and a giant erect penis the size of a jumbo jet on the edge of the seaside town of Ilfracombe.
Much of the art world has praised the plans, with Tate Gallery Director Nicholas Serota insisting that the thousand buildings will blend into the countryside with all the subtlety you would expect from the man who put a 66 foot bronze statue of a pregnant woman holding a sword on the town’s seafront.
“It’s a powerful, breathtaking statement,” explained Serota, “Which makes you examine the very nature of town planning and countryside protection, and raises many questions, not least ‘Where the hell did all those fields go?'”
Not all critical opinion has been positive, however, with the whiff of plagiarism once again raising its ugly head. The Guardian’s art critic Adrian Searle has pointed out that Hirst’s plans bear more than a passing similarity to Tracy Emin’s recent work “Application for Kitchen Extension with Patio Doors”, which itself is said to heavily reference Andy Warhol’s famous “Milton Keynes” installation.
Reaction in the media has also been largely negative. The Evening Standard art critic, Brian Sewell, said simply, “I don’t think of it as art. There are countless young builders who do not get considered for the Turner prize; one thinks of Barratt Homes, one thinks of Bovis, and yet they are overlooked, purely because none of their houses are made from cows sliced in half. When will the art world learn?”
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