Category Archives: Around Harold

Office workers only notice colleague has died when clean cups run out

A fitting tribute to Pat.

A fitting tribute to Pat.

Concerned employees at Amalgamated Holdings Ltd have been mystified by a growing collection of soiled cups.

Initially, minor queries were raised with each other about whether the cleaning contract had been renewed, not realising that for the last 15 years the dishes had been done by Pat in accounts.

“I do like a cup of tea first thing” said managing director Justine Hostage, “and I never gave a thought to how our mugs got clean and put back in the cupboard. It was Mike who said he’d seen Pat doing it before, and then we realised no-one had heard from her for three weeks.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business

OCD taxi driver still searching for ‘indicator flash twin’

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Boutsen has an on-off relationship with indicators.

Eric Boutsen has driven taxis for 25 years, and in all that time has never come across a car whose indicators flash exactly in time with his own.

Despite working double-shifts and taking more turns than is strictly necessary, Boutsen returns home to his empty flat each evening, dejected and bereft.
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Filed under Around Harold, Health

Tesco launch ‘Pasty for Life’

pasty

Filling, and relatively non-toxic.

A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.

“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.

“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food

Christ fans flock to Hampshire after Holy Ghost spotted

"How are we supposed to see it? Walk on the water?"

“How are we supposed to see it? Walk on the water?”

Harold’s team of dedicated theology students leapt in to action at the weekend on hearing that the Holy Ghost had been seen in the mud of the River Hamble.

Unfortunately, they were disappointed to discover nothing more than the wreck of an ancient war ship, rather than the third member of the Godhead.
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion

Lashes welcomed for man who ordered red wine in a pub

Bloody hipsters.

Bloody hipsters.

A man who attempted to acquire a glass of red wine in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been barred for a year, and given a verbal lashing by the landlord.

Mick Clarkson knew the rules when he entered the snug, but felt emboldened after reading an article on ‘creeping gentrification’.

“I’m on some tablets at the moment and the doctor said I mustn’t drink with them”, explained Clarkson. “But wine’s not really drinking, is it? It’s more or less runny jam.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Culture

‘I’m just a creepy arsehole’ drone user refutes allegation that he’s a photographer

flying-drone

Searching for this image we found a company that specifically markets drones to children. What has become of us?

Drone user Tim Trotman has hit back at villagers who assume he’s harassing them with his buzzing git machine as part of an art project.

“People keep asking me when they can see the final thing and what it’s all supposed to mean,” a visibly frustrated Trotman told us. “I’m not a photographer or any kind of artist. I got the drone to annoy people and record their comings and goings for no reason other than that I can. I’m just a creepy arsehole and the village needs to accept this.”

Local police officer PC Flegg says that there’s nothing she can do to stop Trotman taking to the sky just to hack people off.

“There aren’t may laws against surveillance any more,” she said. “But to reassure everyone I’ll be monitoring Mr Trotman’s activities on the village’s extensive CCTV network and anyone who’s really worried about their privacy being eroded should tweet or Facebook about it.”

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Free car winter check includes advice on Christmas decorations

All set for winter.

All set for winter.

A free winter safety check being offered by Harold’s Fire Service will focus on how to get the most out of christmas decorations.

“Last year saw a dramatic rise in automotive festivity awareness”, said fire officer Liam Hosier. “But sadly, some of them were a bit shit.”

Keen to avoid a repeat of 2014’s bobble-headed crap snowman tragedy, Hosier’s checks will focus on utilising a vehicle’s 12-volt sockets.

Using a small hammer and a bent rusty nail, the village fire crew will upgrade your car’s standard fuse box to cope with the extra power demands.
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Filed under Around Harold, Christmas

Book seller to focus on book sales

booksinpiles

Need no batteries

In a surprising move, Harold’s largest book retailer is to stop selling electrical goods and replace them with books.

James Daunt, the managing director of Musty Books, said: “We were told that paper was old hat and the future was in stuff that could be plugged in, especially from Amazon”.

“So we shifted out the paperbacks to the local Oxfam, and stocked up on microwaves, irons, kitchenaids and nutribullets Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News

Family spent entire self-catering break reading local attractions literature

chimp

Some smart-a*se will tell us it’s a chimp not a monkey but they have them at Monkey World.

The Gates family love backpacking in the far-east but recently returned from a long weekend in a Cumbrian cottage, where they never went further than the dustbin.

“The quantity and quality of the tourist attractions was amazing. If the brochures were anything to go by.” said Gill, manager of Lacrymans & Co estate agents in Harold.

“We spent Friday and Saturday sorting them into sunny day/rainy day piles and Sunday weeding out duplicates.” added husband Alex “There were no fewer than 147 separate tri-fold A4 pages on Bovington Tank Museum alone.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Holidays, Tourism, Travel

Teaching assistant overjoyed with new Ferrari

corsa rossa

Scuderia Corsa.

Single mum and classic car enthusiast Carly Jeffrey is delighted that she can now call her Vauxhall a Ferrari.

Carly has owned her Corsa for 6 years but has just legally rebadged it as an ultra-rare Ferrari 250GTO, after a surprise EU ruling on protected trademarks.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Carly “the Corsa’s a fine car – especially the 1.8 GSi with alloys and air-con as standard – but it’s always been my dream to own a £3M Italian supercar. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Motoring

Man shunned for not agreeing that the Krays were total legends

kray-twins1

The Krays twins: jailed for life at 35 when it turned out that taking tea with Judy Garland and being nice to yer old mum doesn’t let you off the hook for murder

Villager Sean Pavey was shunned by his drinking buddies last night after admitting that he didn’t think the Kray twins were brilliant.

“Everyone was going on about how awesome they were, proper old school and that,” Sean, 26, a mechanic at Pavey’s Auto-Spares told us. “All my mates were saying how cool the suits were and that what they did was top bants. Then I said but they were just two blokes who killed people and hurt a load more and everyone went quiet and said I was ruining it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold

Thousands turned away from Corbynland

corbynland

A charming trip down memory lane.

Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.

Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.

“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.

“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Game of Thrones exclusive! Is Ned Stark back?

Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head

Game of Trolleys

Game of Trolleys.

Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.

With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment

Graves removed from churchyard for celebrity wedding

angry bride

None of the interred have been invited.

With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.

During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’

“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Society

30-something realises most of their friends are just people they can’t be bothered to tell to sod off

Capture

Pffft

A local woman has been left dazed by the revelation that most of her friends are as much good to her as tits on a fish.

Cassie Fine, 35, owner of Harold geek shop Dungeons and More Dungeons, said that she came to this conclusion while scrolling her Facebook newsfeed. Continue reading

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Duchy Originals Brake Grease sells out thanks to ‘Queen Effect’

the Fat of the Landed

Suitable for vegetarians and even more annoying vegans.

Waitrose has run out of Duchy Originals Brake Grease, after the product was mentioned by the Queen.

Brake Grease is a guilt-free ‘miracle’ oil, which can reduce friction and princesses in busy households. Once the preserve of nobility, in ancient times it was known as ‘the fat of the landed’.

Prince Charles insists that all Duchy-brand products are organic. “One’s brake grease is sustainable, but completely untraceable”, he revealed. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Most young people will never be able to afford a tub of cinema popcorn

Just a dream for most young people

Just a dream for most young people

Soaring prices now make it practically impossible for young people to get on the cinema popcorn ladder, say economists.

A Dunstable University study says cinema popcorn is now so expensive, the only young people who can afford a tub are those whose parents help with the deposit, or those who live near unfashionable rundown cinemas.

“It is a ticking time bomb – young people know baby boomers owned their first tub of cinema popcorn in their late teens. They see the older generation having 3 or 4 tubs of popcorn each time they go the movies, when all they can hope for is crumbs. They see the super-sized drinks, the ostentatious purchase of chocolate buttons” said Professor Brian Rodgers.
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment

Companies clamour to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products

Blair moneyAfter two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.

Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics

Joey Essex awarded honorary GCSE

idiot

Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.

Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.

The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.

“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”

“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education

Airports losing war on selling perfume to terrorists

dutyfree

Terrorists could soon benefit from some very, very, very small savings.

Airport shops have suffered a crippling blow in their battle
to deny terrorists travel pillows, cologne and big sticks of Toblerone.

With passengers now refusing to show their boarding cards to
ever-vigilant shop assistants, it’s only a matter of time before an islamist acquires a very, very, very slightly cheaper pair of Ray-Ban Aviators.

“It’s demoralising”, said Sharon Hostage, who works at Luton Airport’s duty-free shop. “For the last 3 years, I’ve worked tirelessly to stop some nutjob buying the latest Maeve Binchy novel.”

“I need to see their boarding pass to do some rudimentary background checks (and reclaim the tax), but now even a blatant Jihadist could waltz out of here with a copy of the Daily Mail, and some Stugeron.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business