Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head
Game of Trolleys.
Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.
With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment
None of the interred have been invited.
With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.
During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’
“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Society
It minces bats, but at what price?
Whilst acknowledging that the 100-foot high rotating blades would bring the village a step closer to being bat-free, Dr Rachel Guest fears that one side-effect could be a supply of sustainable power.
“Naturally, the bat mincer has to go ahead”, said Guest, “if we’re to rid our skies of the leathery-winged menace.”
“But we have to work out how to minimise all the electricity this thing will spew out, or it’ll look like we weren’t focusing on mincing bats.”
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Mums can’t imagine how they filled their time before Mumsnet.
Following an attack by hackers, Mumsnet is advising all 12 million of its users to change their password from “sotired” to something less obvious.
“Busy mums barely have time to sneer at the parenting skills of others”, said site owner Justine Roberts, “let alone think of an original password.”
“Besides, after the hassle of choosing a name for their child that neither their husband or parents laughed at, most of our members just bang in the first thing that pops into their head.”
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Suitable for vegetarians and even more annoying vegans.
Waitrose has run out of Duchy Originals Brake Grease, after the product was mentioned by the Queen.
Brake Grease is a guilt-free ‘miracle’ oil, which can reduce friction and princesses in busy households. Once the preserve of nobility, in ancient times it was known as ‘the fat of the landed’.
Prince Charles insists that all Duchy-brand products are organic. “One’s brake grease is sustainable, but completely untraceable”, he revealed. Continue reading
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Categoric proof that there is no God.
A national experiment has shown that the lingering presence of Noel Edmonds disproves the existence of ‘Cosmic Ordering’.
Cosmic Ordering is the practice of writing down a list of things that you want, and then waiting for them to arrive.
Yet despite nearly 38% of the population jotting down “make Edmonds piss off”, the suspiciously dark-bearded pillock is still here.
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Filed under Entertainment, science
Essex will use his new-found intelligence to make the world a reemer place.
Celebrity thought vacuum Joey Essex has been awarded an honorary D-grade in GCSE expressive arts.
The qualification was presented by Spencer Chadwick of the Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven, after it was noticed that his work inspired teachers and parents to see even the thickest children in a new light.
“This is a great honour”, said Essex. “Would you like my autograph? I can nearly do it now. Does this make me a doctor? How many numbers are there in ‘reem’?”
“Essex inspires us not to give up on even the most grating of our mouth-breathing morons”, soothed Headmaster Chadwick. “Idiocy is no longer a taboo, in fact it’s now something to celebrate.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Education
Evans dumps another load of former co-hosts.
Chris Evans has announced plans to clear out his garage, by auctioning off a number of unwanted ex co-presenters.
The self-confessed ginger has a vast collection of broken, long-forgotten sidekicks, which he buys at car boot sales, paints orange and then stores in his shed.
Amongst the lots are a rare Gaby Roslin, an ex-works Will McDonald and a tastefully modified Holly Hotlips.
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Terrorists could soon benefit from some very, very, very small savings.
Airport shops have suffered a crippling blow in their battle
to deny terrorists travel pillows, cologne and big sticks of Toblerone.
With passengers now refusing to show their boarding cards to
ever-vigilant shop assistants, it’s only a matter of time before an islamist acquires a very, very, very slightly cheaper pair of Ray-Ban Aviators.
“It’s demoralising”, said Sharon Hostage, who works at Luton Airport’s duty-free shop. “For the last 3 years, I’ve worked tirelessly to stop some nutjob buying the latest Maeve Binchy novel.”
“I need to see their boarding pass to do some rudimentary background checks (and reclaim the tax), but now even a blatant Jihadist could waltz out of here with a copy of the Daily Mail, and some Stugeron.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Business
Binge watchers might feel the urge to wear clogs.
A box set of all 55 seasons of Coronation Street is ‘unwieldy’, according to fans.
The cult show had hoped to appeal to box set-obsessed middle class viewers in the new format, but it would take 174 Sky boxes to store every episode.
Set in the fictional town of Salford, season 1 of ‘Corrie’ had the audience hooked from Day 1. But despite the show’s success, some people deliberately avoid watching it because they don’t want to dip in and ruin it.
“When the show started, I had to wait another twenty years to be born”, complained Harold’s Morgan Delaney. “That’s my parents’ fault, the selfish old sods.”
Because Morgan’s parents had decided not to have her when they were three, she never really got a chance to catch up with the plot.
“But now, if I can watch just four episodes a night, in six years time I’ll only be six years behind. I’ll finally be able to join in the conversation at the office. Assuming they’re recording it now, so they can catch up with the Archers.”
For people without broadband, the box set is also available on Blu-ray. “It’s been re-edited in 3D, you can watch it with the special Deidre glasses”, revealed Morgan. “Amazon are delivering mine tomorrow, by Chinook.”
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The maniac didn’t even spit at passing motorists.
A cyclist has attempted to travel through a rural area, while not dressed as an absolute cock-end.
The incident was dismissed as a hoax at first, but police were forced to react after being inundated with calls.
“An I.C 1 cyclist was apprehended this afternoon”, said PC Flegg, “while wearing a proper shirt, and trousers too loose to reveal his religion.”
“He wasn’t streaming his route to social media, there was no mention of Team Sky anywhere on his clothing, and he was riding in a courteous manner. This idiot clearly didn’t have a clue.”
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When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing
Jenson Button has been robbed while he was unconscious, after nodding off on lap 7 of a grand prix.
Jenson Button’s Formula 1 car has struggled for pace this season, to the point where his engineer has to scream ‘wake up’ every 35 seconds.
‘On this occasion, while Jenson was barrelling along at 38 miles an hour, we forgot to contact him because we were just resting our eyes’, said Ron Dennis.
‘ When he came in for a pit stop, we noticed his watch and helmet were missing. Continue reading
Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.
A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.
Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.
Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
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Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.
An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.
Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.
“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983”, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
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Disappointingly, all of the performers survived.
Villagers who paid to watch a so-called ‘Wall of Death’ have reacted angrily after a rider was left with only a broken collar bone.
Members of the public paid over £2 each to watch the spectacle at the summer fete, but were disappointed by the superficial nature of the injury.
The Wall of Death is a traditional attraction, in which motorcyclists ride around a circular shed until someone is killed.
“My friend Simon said that he watched it last year, and a man’s head came off”, said Bobby Evans, 9. “But all I saw was a guy whose arm went a bit floppy. His bone wasn’t even sticking out through his leathers.”
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Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.
BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.
Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.
Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.
“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
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Filed under Motoring, Technology
Gove frowns on abuse of the key trust system.
Justice secretary Michael Gove has announced that once a prison smoking ban is introduced, inmates will be allowed to light up outside.
Prisons are currently exempt from restrictions on smoking indoors, but this could be reversed to safeguard the health of prison officers.
“Just like nurses and office workers, prison customers will have to go just outside the main entrance if they want to smoke”, said Gove. “The ones I’ve spoken to seemed surprisingly open to the idea.”
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One of the maniacs who expressed an opinion.
A handful of Labour MPs have caused widespread disgust after voting in parliament in line with their principles.
Supply leader Harriet Harman had urged her MPs not to vote on welfare reforms, because doing so might make them unpopular with traditional tory voters.
“It’s those conservative voters that Labour needs to appeal to in future”, said Harman. “We’re not going to get far if we listen to the little voice inside that says ‘this is wrong, we should object to this with every fibre of our being’.”
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Squirrel also assaulted PC Flegg.
A pub in Harold has been vandalised by a ‘drunk squirrel’, which went on to clone a credit card and watch pornography.
The incident was discovered by the landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms, after he returned from a mushroom exploring course in the woods.
“Yeah, it was definitely a squirrel, and it was off its head”, said Eddie. “The little scamp had eaten all the peanuts, and accidentally knocked a beer tap to ‘on’.”
“Then it apparently opened a bottle of wine, using its little squirrel hands to operate a cork screw. And then it made an electronic copy of my credit card, and watched some appalling filth.”
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‘White Neck’ can also lick his own gentiles.
A number of late-night dog walkers have been blessed against their will, by the notorious Feral Vicar of Harold.
Known to locals simply as ‘White Neck’, but probably Nigel Rollins who went missing in 1987, the vicar has left a reddy trail of cheap wine across the playground, particularly on and around the swings.
White Neck was raised by a pack of fallow Rabbis as a child, who found him abandoned after a kite crash in the municipal gardens.
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