Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | April 23, 2013 · 5:40 pm

Council demands health labels on wasps

wasp

Health and Safety nightmare

In a move aimed at reducing wasted picnic time and repetitive shooing injuries, Councillor Ron Ronsson is calling for compulsory health warnings on wasps. From Friday, even small wasps will need to be labelled, while non-complaint ones will  be seized in a sting operation.

Critics of the legislation have claimed that labelling won’t prevent victims from injury, and are calling instead for an outright ban on the vindictive, stripy little bastards. But the wasp control industry opposes such a move, which could threaten the citronella factory in nearby Felching.
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by | April 20, 2013 · 8:15 am

Does anyone dare speak of ‘Best Kept Secret Village’ competition?

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Some npower salesmen still getting through

Harold is rumoured to be firm favourite in this year’s ‘best kept secret village’ competition, despite a handful of residents still leaving their lights on at night.

The contest, a national game of ‘hide and seek’ for beauty spots, was first brought to the attention of Harold by a travelling salesman.

“He just happened to have 300 hectares of black-out canvas for sale, and a rusty old transit, to take away all our sign posts”, revealed Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“He expressed his surprise at how easy it was to stumble upon our place, and bet me £20 we couldn’t make ourselves scarce. I wasn’t having that, so I diverted the whole of our tourist information budget to his Western Union account. But as  he explained, that’ll probably help us stay hidden.”
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by | April 15, 2013 · 8:00 am

Villagers dig coal mine in protest against Thatcherism

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Mine’s ‘a large one’

Angry villagers have launched a powerful and overly complex protest against Thatcherism, by excavating a coal mine deep below Harold.

Working 10-hour shifts in appalling conditions, the group has so far dug over 13 miles of tunnels by hand. With stifling heat and deadly methane to contend with and no practical civil engineering experience between them, the list of casualties grows by the day.

Phil Evans thinks it’s worth it. Wearing a fruit-bowl with a bicycle lamp taped to it and carrying a gas-detecting bantam chicken, Evans looks every inch the icon of working class struggle.
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by | April 14, 2013 · 11:00 am

Fury as ‘undercover’ economist penetrates BBC

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Regime denied statues ‘lean to the left’

A local economist ‘endangered the lives of journalists’, by infiltrating their group and penetrating the very heart of the BBC. That’s the claim from a union rep who handles the camera crews, sound recordists and script readers, who do the bidding of the shadowy regime.

Professor of economics Julia Hogsburn has often wondered about the inner workings of the BBC, and how so many inside the system believe what they’re told without question.

But living in Harold meant Hogsburn was unlikely to come into contact with anyone from the state broadcaster, because she lives over 40 miles outside the M25.
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by | April 11, 2013 · 11:30 am

Hardline blacksmith calls for rule by ‘Farrier Law’

Farrier

Justice on the hoof

Radical blacksmith and part-time Viking Nigel Thorvald has called for the introduction of ‘Farrier Law’ to Harold, to tackle what he regards as a ‘shocking decline in morals’ and a lurch away from ‘Justice by Warm Ironmongery’.

Harold’s viking community keeps itself largely to itself, apart from on official pillage days, or during the annual dragon boat race.

But with a growing lack of respect for elders and rising teen pregnancy rates amongst his daughters Oslo, Freyja and Maureen, Thorvald believes that the wider society needs a ‘more medieval’ approach to law enforcement.
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by | April 10, 2013 · 8:00 am

Overdrawn villager returns porcelain pig to bank

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Cold heartless banker

Pensioner Doris Kettle has taken steps to apologise for the mismanagement of her account, by returning a porcelain pig to the local branch of her NatWest.

Along with a third of a wobbly wall chart, Kettle hopes the gesture will be seen as a token of her remorse, as well as a full and final settlement, which she’ll hear no more about.
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by | April 7, 2013 · 11:30 am

Homeopath tackles epidemic by treating water supply with ‘single measle’

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A single, measly measle

In response to news of a Rubeola epidemic, local Homeopath George Tredinnick has isolated a single measle, and plans to drop it down Harold’s water well.

With the MMR jab refusing to protect those that didn’t benefit from it, Tredinnick claims that the current crisis calls for ‘something more potent, with the sort of strength that comes from watering it down’.

“According to my homeopathic principles, slipping just half a measle down the village pump could protect the residents of our community”, revealed Tredinnick.

“In fact dilution is key, so almost not adding a measle is even better. I could leave it in a beaker, somewhere close to the well.”
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by | April 6, 2013 · 9:00 am

Newspaper archiving contract awarded to local chip shop

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Archive ‘tablet and gravy compatible’

A contract to archive Britain’s Most Online Regional Newspaper has been won by local chip shop owner Stephen Trawlerman.

Back-up versions of the Evening Harold will be kept safe for future generations, in a specially labelled ‘electric area’ at the back of ‘The Stephen Fryer’.

Cllr Ron Ronsson welcomed Harold’s niche on the world wide internet, claiming it would be ‘immensly good’ for local tourism. “With his easy talk of clouds, terry gigaflops and 40 pence for a tray of scraps, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d like a saveloy with that”, claimed Ronsson.

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by | April 4, 2013 · 10:46 am

Police to record crimes against village Goth

goth

It’s quite sad, really

Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.

Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.

“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”

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by | April 3, 2013 · 8:00 pm

Kensington and Harold colliery band ‘an insult to mining communities’

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Blacking up was ‘not appropriate’

The newly formed Kensington and Harold colliery band has been slammed as ‘patronising’ by the National Union of Miners.

The musicians have no connection with mining, the nearest pit is 135 miles to the north. But that didn’t stop the group reaching the semi-final of this year’s Scargill Testimonial Band Play-off.

With most of the musicians working in IT or finance, forming a colliery band may not have seemed an obvious choice.
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by | April 2, 2013 · 9:59 am

Chip shop in fish swap for flip-flops

fishflop1The villagers of Harold have reacted angrily to news that their local chippy has been fobbing them off with batter-encrusted flip-flops.

Until the scandal, ‘The Stephen Fryer’ had been held in high regard locally, for its cleverly evasive word-play on the Perspex menu board.

“Everyone knows you don’t really want to know what you’re getting, if you order a saveloy or the ‘southern-fried bites’”, said Cllr Ron Ronsson.

“And it’s common knowledge that you should never just order the ‘fish’, because that’s battered paper towels that Stephen wipes the wobbly bits from his hands on.”

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by | March 31, 2013 · 4:53 pm

Archbishop warns against ‘hero worship’: villagers dismantle statue of Jesus

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Recent results have been disappointing

The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned Christians against ‘expecting too much’ from one person, by putting their heroes on pedestals or large wooden crosses.

Villagers led by Phil Evans were suspiciously fast to react. Within minutes the Church of St. Haroldine The Peachy was surrounded by a mob, demanding the statue of Jesus be replaced by an etching of a committee.
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by | · 12:17 am

Local regrets shedding light on boy ‘raised by moths’

mothboy

Moth-erless Children

A nocturnal boy discovered in the woods outside Harold may have been ‘raised by moths’.

A group of naturalists had set out to record the night-time insects of Harold, but were shocked when their powerful lamps attracted a jittery youth with a face smeared in nectar.

“We’d set up nets, motion-sensing cameras and switched the big light on”, explained Gerladine Forster, who heads the local wildlife trust.

“There was a commotion behind us; snapping twigs, a rush of air, followed by what sounded eerily like a child muttering ‘flapflapflapflapflap’.
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by | March 29, 2013 · 8:26 pm

Security fears see Boat Race crews swap rowing boats for aircraft carriers

Residents have noticed Harold’s missing bridges

Oxbridge and Camford technical colleges are taking no risks with the 2013 boat race, after competitors were left traumatised last year by someone bobbing about in the river.

With the UK government accidentally ordering far too many aircraft carriers recently, organisers have found a neat solution that kills four birds with two millstones.

Councillor Ron Ronsson explained details of the plan, from an official time-keeper’s frigate.

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by | March 28, 2013 · 6:32 pm

Protesters celebrate jailing of TV licence offender

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Group described crime as ‘sickening’

A local woman who persistently failed to set up the direct debit for her TV licence has finally been jailed for two months.

Campaigners against 83 year-old June Hammond celebrated long into the night, as they received news of her sentence from the courts.

“This validates our sustained, 2 year-long campaign against this monster”, claimed daughter Sarah Hammond. “Finally, it feels like justice has been done.”

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by | · 9:01 am

Priest denies forcibly washing young offender’s feet

Priest also obsessed with 'massive kites'

Priest also obsessed with ‘massive kites’

Local Priest Tansy Forster has issued a statement through her lawyer, in which she vehemently denies washing the feet of a young offender against their wishes.

Forster admitted that she did have a ‘thing’ for dirty feet of petty criminals, but rejected claims that it was a ‘full-blown fetish’.

Forster has claimed before that it’s perfectly normal to wash a vandal’s feet, if you don’t want to catch anything while you’re kissing them.
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by | March 27, 2013 · 7:42 pm

Report: Competitors ‘slug it out’ in 9th Annual Snail Hurling Championship

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Snails: hard to draw

Played out across the fence behind the Squirrel Lickers Arms, a thrilled crowd was treated to a majestic display by the heroes of the 9th Annual Snail Hurling Championship.

With everything to play for and a largish bucket of snails at his disposal, much was expected from reigning champion Phil Evans.
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by | March 26, 2013 · 9:13 pm

Council calls for curb on unlicenced Viking funerals

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It’s what he would have wanted

The council of Harold has reacted angrily to a wave of unofficial Viking funerals, describing them as ‘a health and safety nightmare’.

With some local families tracing their ancestral tree back to more pillage-friendly times, a proper warrior’s send-off has become fashionable in some of the less desirable postcodes.

But with Harold being over 2 hours’ drive to the coast, the traditional ceremony has been updated to take into account the local geography.
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by | March 24, 2013 · 10:05 am

High price of village drugs blamed on ‘big farmer’

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Never read the label

The villagers of Harold are facing a squeeze, as the price of shallow gene-pool suppression drugs continues to climb.

With unwebbed toes and bald foreheads taken for granted these days, the soaring cost of Sameancestins is troubling locals.
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