Oxbridge and Camford technical colleges are taking no risks with the 2013 boat race, after competitors were left traumatised last year by someone bobbing about in the river.
With the UK government accidentally ordering far too many aircraft carriers recently, organisers have found a neat solution that kills four birds with two millstones.
Councillor Ron Ronsson explained details of the plan, from an official time-keeper’s frigate.
“As any group of super-athletes dedicated to showing off where they studied will tell you, the thing they fear more than anything else is having their oar scuffed by some oaf’s head.”
Securing use of the aircraft carriers was a ‘doddle’ according to Ronsson, with the MoD only too pleased to find something to do with them at last.
More problematic was altering the awkward geography of the course, to enable two 65,000 tonne behemoths rowed by posh twats to squeeze down the canal that runs through Harold.
“For security reasons we’ve dredged the waterway secretly at night, using modified nuclear subs”, said Ronsson.
“And I can now reveal that it was me that removed the four bridges of Harold, and sold them to gypsies for scrap.”
The size of the vessels requires significantly larger crews, with Camford opting for 32 rowers, compared with Oxbridge’s 2,947.
“That might seem unfair but before you protest I must point out we’re a fully operational ship with considerable long-range strike capabilities”, explained the head of Oxbridge college.
“And with our tuition fees being just £37 a term, it’s hardly surprising that so many new students have registered for our Maths, Drama and Warmongering course.”