Author Archives: Max C-F

by | July 28, 2013 · 10:00 am

Disgust as Justin Bieber defecates on fans

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

Unsettling Canadian pop-chipmunk Justin Bieber has topped off a controversial week by defecating on fans gathered under his hotel balcony.

Over the last few days the nineteen year old sign that the apocalypse has begun has spat on fans, allegedly attacked a DJ and been caught urinating in a mop bucket he found in a restaurant corridor. Now this latest exhibition of grim anti-social behaviour has increased speculation that The Biebs as millions of fans across the globe call him is going what’s known in the music industry as ‘a bit Michael’ and believing himself to be above the law and social convention. Continue reading →

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Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

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by | July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm
by | July 24, 2013 · 3:44 pm

Government legalise hunting JSA claimants with dogs

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.

In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.

“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading →

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by | July 23, 2013 · 5:30 pm

Law changed to allow anti-Royal statistics bores to be slapped

She's not interested in the Prince of Cambridge because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.

The cynical expression of someone who doesn’t give a rat’s arse about the Prince of Cambridge. That’s because she cares about real issues, sheeple. She cares.

In an emergency session this morning Harold council changed village law to allow the slapping of anti-Royal statistics bores.

“Something had to be done,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “Since eight thirty last night a small minority of Haroldites have been intent on implying that anyone who is happy that Kate’s finally had it, and is enjoying a diversion from the normal god-awful depressing news is an idiot. So now we’ve changed the law to allow ordinary Haroldites to very mildly make their displeasure known.” Continue reading →

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by | · 2:30 pm

Morrissey: An appeal

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Heaven knows he’s miserable now.

As his planned South American tour is cancelled due to lack of funds the Evening Harold is launching an appeal in aid of eighties icon Morrissey. We refuse to accept that his current circumstances are down to the natural fading of a star who hasn’t released any new material in years and simply coasts on the back of endlessly repackaged hits.

Together we could help Morrissey be great again. He could create, the flame could burn and the tiresome arse who spouts racist drivel and is more embarrassing than most people’s nan could become nothing but an unpleasant memory. Continue reading →

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Prince Charles discusses impending grandfatherhood with best friend

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by | July 21, 2013 · 5:44 pm
by | July 21, 2013 · 1:11 pm

Village Tesco cashiers beg to be allowed to stop asking customers how they are

If your partner can't be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

If your partner can’t be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

Cashiers at the Harold branch of Tesco Express are begging their manager to put an end to the practise that sees them forced to ask every single customer how they are.

“It’s horrible,” said one shell-shocked worker who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that when someone behind a till asks you that question you either ignore it or grunt out a one-word answer but not here. I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone, except I do, and in the most harrowing detail.” Continue reading →

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by | July 20, 2013 · 4:16 pm

Harold remembers Mel Smith

Smith was COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Smith was a COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Although his connection with Harold is tenuous – he once popped into The Squirrel Lickers for directions and then popped back in half an hour later even more lost due to Eddie’s eccentric interpretation of such concepts as left and right – villagers are today remembering with fondness the comedian, writer and director Mel Smith who has died aged sixty. Continue reading →

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by | July 14, 2013 · 10:30 am

US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park

He won't last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.

Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading →

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by | July 11, 2013 · 11:00 am

Sixth former despairs over lack of sexual harrasment from teachers

It's what he goes to school for

It’s what he goes to school for

Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.

“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Clegg confession: I like to dress as Gladstone at weekends

The world a better place when mens casual meant a cravat and not flaunting your moobs.

The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ;  not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.

Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.

“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading →

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by | July 10, 2013 · 11:00 am

EXCLUSIVE: Prince Charles’ letters to government

rsz_1article-2318064-158c6f82000005dc-505_306x423Yesterday the Lord Chief Justice upheld the block on the publication of letters from Prince Charles to various Whitehall ministers saying that the public does not have the right to know the details of his attempts to influence government policy.

We are defying the law and publishing a selection of Prince Charles’ letters over the years. Let’s just be grateful that this one is content with writing. Prince Philip seriously believed that he should be allowed to participate in Cabinet meetings which we’re sure would have led to some jaw-dropping foreign policies, especially when Enoch Powell was a minister. Continue reading →

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by | July 9, 2013 · 7:00 am

Gove puts state-maintained schools in England on naughty step

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

A picture of a man who gets sexually aroused thinking about Dotheboys Hall.

Michael Gove yesterday released a new national curriculum which will only be applied to state-maintained schools in England leaving academies, free schools and independent schools to teach whatever they like.

“We are very much being placed on education’s naughty step,” said Alison Lee, headteacher of St Mary’s primary school in Harold. “And held hostage to a curriculum that is rushed, chaotic and reactionary.”

“The Secretary of State for Education is constantly calling for state-maintained schools to be tougher, harder and fiercely competitive. I just wish someone would give us the freedom and the finances to make them better.” Continue reading →

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by | July 8, 2013 · 11:00 am

Andy Murray offered asylum in England

Our precioussss. It's our birthday and we wants him.

Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.

David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.

“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading →

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by | July 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

Wombles despair as cutbacks threaten Wimbledon clean up

Tobermory may look calm however inside he's raging.

Tobermory: spokeswomble

Now the tennis is over the Wombles are struggling to give the All England Club a post-tournament clean due to cutbacks.

“The government said we had to become a profit-making service,” said spokeswomble Tobermory. “Wombles work as a team, Wombles are tidy and Wombles are clean but since we were forced to stop volunteering and make coin we’ve been shafted right up the Harry Hamster.” Continue reading →

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by | July 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

BBC announce Doctor Who Ramadan special

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Nothing is more British than this

The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.

“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading →

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by | July 2, 2013 · 7:00 am

Asset stripping government to sell off Stephen Fry

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.

“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading →

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by | June 29, 2013 · 10:00 am

Relief as Nadine Dorries confirms that she will not starve

Tory food: the £95 (that's not a typo) burger

Tory food: the £95 (that’s not a typo) burger

There was relief in Harold yesterday when Tory MP Nadine Dorries told Daybreak that she will not starve. Though not the MP for Harold kind-hearted residents had been touched by her plight when she announced that she would no longer be drawing expenses in order to campaign for reform of the system.

“We were massively concerned for the welfare of this highly principled lady,” said Reza Yavari. “It made me very upset to think of her struggling to cope on just a £66,396 MPs salary and whatever she makes as the director of Averbrook media consultancy. Then happily for us all she said live on TV ‘I have a very good partner who will not let me starve, he will feed me‘ and there was just this great outbreak of relief.” Continue reading →

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by | June 28, 2013 · 7:00 am

Mixed reactions as A&E bans junk food

Exactly what we all crave in times of stress.

Anyone who claims to crave this in times of stress is a liar and a hound.

There were mixed reactions in Harold yesterday as its nearest A&E unit at Dunstable Royal Infirmary announced that they have banned junk food. All the vending machines have been emptied and unplugged and the coffee shop has been replaced with a concession of Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!

“We are delighted to be looking after the needs of poor, dear Haroldites who’ve had a mishap,” trilled owner Pippa Delaney. “Now instead of thoughtlessly gorging themselves on sweet tea and crisps as they wait for treatment they can enjoy pickled mustard greens, soy puffs and lovely avocado sushi all washed down with a range of sugar-free fruit cordials.” Continue reading →

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by | June 26, 2013 · 7:00 am

Defence latest: Royal Marines to be replaced by Wimbledon ball boys

At least in Afghanistan there's less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.

The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.

“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading →

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