Author Archives: Max C-F

by Max C-F | February 8, 2015 · 3:58 am

Prince who lives in bubble fears radical Islam’s disconnect from reality

Apparently Isis also take dim young men, pop them into a uniform and tell them they’re better than everyone else

Prince Charles has used an interview on Radio 2’s The Sunday Hour this morning to speak of his “real worry” that radical Islam is buggering up the Middle East more emphatically than the Kardashians are screwing the very concept of reality.

Charles, who has been raised from birth to believe that he will one day be Defender of the Faith and crowned king by the Archbishop of Canterbury in Westminster Abbey, lamented the “distortions that are made of the great religions.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Religion, Royals

Tagged as Evening Harold, Isis, Prince Charles, radical Islam

by Max C-F | February 6, 2015 · 2:15 pm

“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Transport

Tagged as Evening Harold, Network Rail, tickets, trains

by Max C-F | February 5, 2015 · 6:57 am

Labour pay Tony Blair to stay in a cupboard until May

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The fearfully observant will notice the barrels of oil reflected in his eyes. No photoshop was used, we think it happens naturally.

Tony Blair is set for another bumper payday as it has been revealed that the Labour Party is giving him millions to shut up and stay in a cupboard until after the general election.

“It’s a no-brainer,” said Ed Miliband. “We as a party can’t have that face popping up everywhere and reminding voters what a Labour Prime Minister who wins elections actually looks like. Those eyes, that smile – we want people to feel shiny and positive about Labour, not have the shits put up them by Satan’s very own gargoyle.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, News

Tagged as Ed Miliband, Evening Harold, labour, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | February 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Campaign for Celebrity Big Brother to last forever continues to grow

Hundreds of thousands of people a day are signing the online petition for Celebrity Big Brother to last without evictions until the wolf eats the sun.

Campaign organiser and Harold resident Jane Hough says that she is pleased but not surprised by its success. Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as Celebrity Big Brother, Evening Harold, Katie Hopkins, Katie Price, Perez Hilton

by Max C-F | February 1, 2015 · 1:23 am

“It’s just performance art that got out of hand” Guardian newspaper confesses that it’s not real

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Alan Rusbridger: Guardian editor

Flamboyant artist Alan Rusbridger has admitted that the Guardian newspaper is merely a performance art piece that got way out of control.

“I never imagined it would be so popular,” said Rusbridger. “All we do is troll our readers by insisting that everything but everything is sexist and racist and claiming to love the Lib Dems.” Continue reading →

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Filed under News

Tagged as Alan Rusbridger, Evening Harold, Guardian, performance art, Polly Toynbee

by Max C-F | January 30, 2015 · 7:00 am

Iain Duncan Smith declares Dippy the Dinosaur fit for work

Beautiful hall, beautiful Dippy. Far too lovely for us to caption sarcastically.

Iain Duncan Smith has personally intervened in the case of Dippy the Dinosaur saying that she can’t retire after many years of being worth the visit on her own at the Natural History Museum.

“Being replaced by a blue whale is no excuse to go off and shirk in a cupboard,” said Duncan Smith. “I’ve seen the Flintstones and that famous documentary on working class life shows us that Dippy can easily find a job in a quarry both mining rocks and providing an easy means of exit for co-workers.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under News

Tagged as diplodocus, Dippy the Dinosaur, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith, Natural History Museum

by Max C-F | January 29, 2015 · 6:45 am

Karma, police: no alarms and no surprises as police that guard royals and politicians turn out to be bent

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes – quick the custard has ipsos in it

In the last five years over sixty Met police officers in the diplomatic protection squad which guard politicians and royals, yes even Prince Edward, have been done for misconduct.

“It’s weird,” said Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley. “It’s almost as if when you tell someone they’re superior to the rest of us and allow them to stay in a privileged position unchallenged and pretty much unaccountable for years that they will start to abuse their power more or less by default. And some of the officers guarding these arseholes have behaved quite badly too.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Police

Tagged as corruption, Evening Harold, guns, Metropolitan Police

by Max C-F | January 28, 2015 · 10:47 am

Irish pub opens on Mars

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O’Bradbury’s: open 24.39/7

Having entirely conquered the globe serving-up Guinness from Brazzaville to Beijing the phenomenon of the Irish pub has gone intergalactic with the first one opening on Mars.

“It’s not too soon,” said manager Cat Magill. “It’s never too soon for a wee place with black-and-white pictures on the wall of people looking really miserable toiling in some fields or slightly miserable watching camogie which idiots think it’s more ‘authentic’ than other pubs.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Intergalactic News

Tagged as Evening Harold, Irish pub, Mars

by Max C-F | January 27, 2015 · 11:00 am

World to get much more war-ish as lovely, soothing Cadbury’s chocolate banned in US

This won’t calm anyone down after a tough day. It tastes like arse and not in a good way.

The globe is set to be stricken with an increase in drone attacks and attempts at bringing democracy to places now that decent chocolate has been taken off the shelves across the United States.

“I’m already feeling a lot more tense,” said US Secretary of State, John Kerry. “Without a Freddo to get me through my afternoon slump I’m much more quick-tempered and prone to making mistakes at work. And in my job if I mess up I’m taking you all down with me.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Uncategorized

Tagged as Cadbury, Chocolate, Evening Harold, Hershey's, USA

by Max C-F | January 24, 2015 · 4:33 am

Shock as sociopathic leader revealed to have been chums with Gaddafi

“…I’ve been with you such a long time, You’re my sunshine…”

Tent-loving dead bloke Muammar Gaddafi was friends with Tony Blair. A revelation that has done profound damage to the former President of Libya’s posthumous reputation.

“Gaddafi would be horrified to know that the world has become aware he was pen pals with a war-mongering religious fanatic,” Libyan reporter Moha Hassan Maziq told us. “To have his name linked publicly with such a controversial figure would’ve been a cause of great sadness and concern.” Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

Tagged as Colonel Gaddafi, Evening Harold, letters, peace envoy, Tony Blair

by Max C-F | January 21, 2015 · 5:46 am

Government fits beggars with contactless card tech and rebrands them ‘street entrepreneurs’

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This chap looks very familiar. You think he’d be all right for cash after all that wizarding

Iain Duncan Smith is claiming to have spearheaded a jobs revival having had people who beg on Britain’s streets implanted with contactless card payment systems.

“There is no such thing as society,” said Duncan Smith. “Oops, sorry, wrong notes – there are no beggars, only street entrepreneurs. There are no rough sleepers, only hard-working self-starters who spend all their time in their ‘office’ pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and not being part of the something for nothing culture of benefits.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Politics

Tagged as beggars, contactless cards, DWP, Evening Harold, Iain Duncan-Smith

by Max C-F | January 20, 2015 · 3:07 am

Eric Pickles writes to Katie Hopkins’ family calling on them to help combat extremism

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Should this wide-eyed fanatic be tolerated?

Eric Pickles has made a personal written plea to individual members of the Hopkins family asking them to stand with the rest of the UK in defeating hatred while one member of their clan continues to run amok.

“We know that acts of headline grabbing and offence are not representative of the Hopkins family,” he wrote. “But we need to show what is.” Continue reading →

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Filed under Entertainment, Politics, Religion

Tagged as Eric Pickles, Evening Harold, extremism, Islam, Katie Hopkins

by Max C-F | January 17, 2015 · 5:23 am

Heat rises, so sit on someone tall: 20 top tips for winter survival

Why hast thou forsaken us?

Don’t wear a condom inside, or you won’t feel the benefit when you go out.
Wear an extra pair of socks over your arms.
Alcohol doesn’t make you warmer you just think it does. But isn’t that enough?
In an emergency survival situation you can coat your body with your own faeces. This will stop your neighbours coming round and opening your front door and letting all the heat out. Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Weather

Tagged as cold, Evening Harold, survival, winter

by Max C-F | January 13, 2015 · 11:03 am

Government to do radical Islam a favour and erase freedom

Wonder what they’re all thinking? Dave knows

David Cameron has announced that his government are set to do radical Islam a solid and limit everyone’s right to privacy and freedom. “The powers that I believe we need,” he said, “whether on communications data, or on the content of communications – I am very comfortable those are absolutely right for a modern, liberal democracy. A modern, liberal democracy in which security services read everything, listen to everything and watch everyone. If that’s not the definition of a free society well then maybe I don’t know what one is.” Continue reading →

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Filed under News, Politics

Tagged as dark web, Evening Harold, radical Islam, snoopers charter

by Max C-F | January 10, 2015 · 5:54 am

“It’s just kak”: World agrees to restart 2015 after horrendous beginning

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Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets

In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.

“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under News

Tagged as 2015, Evening Harold, reset, terrorism, war

by Max C-F | January 4, 2015 · 3:59 pm

PM refuses to rule out coalition with President Snow

He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser

Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”

Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.

“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”

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Filed under Election 2015, Politics

Tagged as David Cameron, Evening Harold, nigel farage, President Snow, The Hunger Games, UKIP

by Max C-F | December 31, 2014 · 3:57 pm

Davie says relax: it’s 2015 already in loads of places might as well make a start

“Cheers to everyone who isn’t called Boris or Nigel.”

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Filed under New Year's Eve

Tagged as 2014, alcohol, booze, drinking, Evening Harold, New Year's Eve

by Max C-F | December 26, 2014 · 7:00 am

Christmas Day regrets: millions spend first night with new roll of fat

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You, today. Regardless of gender. Black suits you, wear it more often.

Millions of adults across the UK woke up this morning to discover that they had spent their first night with a new roll of fat. The resulting sigh of regret was heard as far away as Berlin with many then raising a hand to their mouths in a gesture of defeat only to find a new chin ghosting under where their jawlines used to be.

“I don’t look at my new fat as the result of monumental self-indulgence,” said villager Simon Parsons. “It’s my insurance for the future. Have you seen the news lately? I didn’t overeat, I stored vital calories in my nutrition hump. When it all really kicks off they’ll come in handy.”

“I don’t know about no Isis apocalypse or zombie apocalypse or zombie-Isis apocalypse,” Jane Hough told us as she headed down the High Street to buy more food. “I think it’s best to lose the fat and it’s easy. You tell your friends that from now on you’re going to only eat steamed vegetables and do cardio for an hour every day. Think of all the calories everyone’ll burn as you all have a bloody good laugh at the very idea.”

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Author Archives: Max C-F

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