Author Archives: rickw

Serena Williams drug test reveals lovely glossy coat and cold nose

williams

She’s got Pedigree, chum.

Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.

Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.

The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.

It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.

Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.

A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”

“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”

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Filed under News, Pets, Sport

Even newts denouncing Ken Livingstone

newty ken

Ken and newt, in happier days

Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.

Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.

In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.

“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”

“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”

“I’m a newt.”

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Filed under Media, News, War

Blair performs exotic dance every night for Saudi royal family shock

blair-belly-dancer

We’d pay to make it stop

Fears are growing that Tony Blair will do anything for money after if was revealed that he now performs nightly belly-dances for Saudi royalty.

Blair is known to have a wide range of opaque business interests, but it was never suspected just how far the former Prime Minister would go for cash until details of his fleshy writhing leaked out.

The Middle-East envoy role held by Blair included a certain degree of consultation over business affairs, but many are shocked to see him stripping nearly naked and wriggling lasciviously for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family.

A spokesman for Blair admitted that exotic dancing had happened, but denied that it was in any way inappropriate.

“It’s not like he’s advising savage dictators in Kazakhstan,” he pointed out.

“That was last week.”

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Filed under Business, Smug

Cruz And Kasich invite Trump to wedding at Walder Frey’s castle

What could go wrong?

Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.

This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.

“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”

“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”

Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”

“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”

 

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Filed under News, TV

Gove and Johnson warn of terrifying ‘leap into the known’ if Britain stays in EU

The safe option?

Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.

“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.

“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”

“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”

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Filed under EU referendum, idiots, News

Tragedy after fancy dress marathon runner turns out to be actual escaped gorilla

Violent, but does a lot of great work for charity

London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people.

The gorilla, an impressive male silverback named Kumbuka, was the pride of London Zoo’s “Gorilla Kingdom” until an inexperienced keeper forgot to close a security gate.

Kumbuka somehow made his way to Greenwich Park, where thousands of contestants were preparing for the start of the marathon, and inevitable disaster ensued.

“It seems that this magnificent gorilla may have got enraged after stumbling into a huge crowd,” explained Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn.

“That, and the fact that someone pinned a great paper number onto his chest.”

In the turmoil that followed, race sponsor Richard Branson had his head ripped clean from his body, but this was soon followed by genuine tragedy after several real people were killed.

Celebrity father David Furnish was among those who narrowly escaped, in a three-man pantomime horse costume, the other occupants of which we are sadly unable to report on.

To make matters worse, police marksmen proceeded to shoot the wrong gorilla with a tranquilliser gun, leading to the near-certain closure of a Dunstable day centre due to lost sponsorship money.

Looking on the bright side, Kumbuka ended up finishing the marathon in a highly respectable time of 3:18:27, shortly after Dame Kelly Holmes, but just seconds in front of the pursuing David Attenborough and his tiring film crew.

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Filed under Nature, News, Sport

UKIP supporter campaigns against EU by invading Poland

massive_bellend

Massive bell-end

A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.

Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.

Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.

Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.

Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”

“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”

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Filed under EU referendum, News, War

Nation braces itself for pretending to like Shakespeare

william-shakespeare

FUN

On the 400th anniversary of William Shakespeare’s death, the country is grimly preparing for the inevitable bout of having to pretend they have understood, liked or read any of his plays.

Shakespeare is widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language, and most people are perfectly happy to accept this fact without having to prove it for themselves.

Every hundred years, unfortunately, the anniversary of the bard’s death comes around, forcing the population to endure an endless barrage of dramatic culture, just when Game of Thrones is starting back up again.

Among the wall-to-wall culture, a live extravaganza is planned from the Royal Shakespeare Theatre, featuring the likes of David Tennant, Judi Dench and Bill Oddie.

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Filed under Culture, TV

Elton John recording an album of Barbra Streisand covers

Elton-JohnPublicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.

Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.

The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.

“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”

“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”

“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”

“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”

“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”

“Ooh, what a give away.”

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Filed under breaking news, Families, Sex, Showbusiness

‘David Furnishings’ homeware website mysteriously offline

david

Complete mystery

‘David Furnishings’, Littlehampton’s premier homeware and soft fabrics website, has mysteriously gone offline, it was reported today.

Customers had reported difficulties accessing the site over the last few days, and this morning it was completely inaccessible to any customers from the UK, although overseas browsers remained unaffected.

“It’s a disaster, to by honest,” explained proprietor Jeremy David, after whom the business is named. “It seems that only people abroad can see the site at all, and how many customers in Brisbane are going to want to buy a sofa cover from Littlehampton, even it is made from a soft but durable wool/polyester mix? Not many, I’ll tell you that.”

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Filed under Entertainment, Families, music, News

‘Grand National great success’ says Tesco meat department

TescoNationalThe 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.

Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.

To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of  National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.

This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.

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Filed under Food, Sport

The poor and sick come to be healed in Iain Duncan Smith’s river of tears

ids tears

A wicked world. And he should know.

Former work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has reinvented himself as a spiritual healer who cures the sick in the river of tears he cries at the wickedness of the world, it was revealed today.

In something of a departure from his previous role of “nasty heartless bastard”, Duncan Smith began his new vocation by breaking down in tears during the filming of a documentary about poverty.

It was several minutes before anyone realised that he wasn’t actually in tears of laughter at the plight of a 19-year-old single mother who had given up all hope of work.

“Life can be so cruel,” Duncan Smith sobbed, “That poor girl, she was a product of an evil system. And I should know.”

The former minister would have been even more convincing had it not been pointed out that he had personally cut the woman’s housing benefit payments, turned off her heating and come round late at night to smash all her windows.

Sitting cross-legged on a bed of nails in front of the bewildered television presenters, Duncan Smith announced that from this moment forth he would weep endless tears of pain on behalf of society’s mistreated victims, bathing their fevered brow in the salty droplets emanating from his great bald head.

“Apart from disabled people, obviously,” he clarified. “They can still go and fuck themselves.”

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Panama leaks reveal David Cameron is secret Mafia leader

Don-CameronDavid Cameron’s spokesperson has said his father’s alleged links with the Mafia revealed in a huge leak are a “private matter”.

Asked whether the Prime Minister’s family was still active in Mafiosi crime, his spokesperson replied: “That is a private matter, I am focused on what the Government is doing.”

When asked if “what the Government is doing” included construction, sanitation, and insurance industries in Sicily, the spokesman agreed that it was.

“However,” added the spokesman, a daunting seven-foot figure in dark overcoat and homburg, “We do not anticipate any interest from the Crown Prosecution Service. Particularly those members who possess race horses.”

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

EastEnders fans shocked at controversial farming storyline

eastenders yokels

Impressive attention to detail

EastEnders fans were in shock today after a controversial storyline involving arable farming and animal husbandry came to a shattering conclusion involving dairy cattle and chemical fertilisers.

Viewers have watched in recent weeks enthralled by the programme’s gradual spiral into the world of agriculture, but few predicted how deep into a realistic depiction of farming practices the series would go.

Sunday night’s omnibus edition featured what is believed to be the first examination of bovine artificial insemination ever seen on the programme, and raised more than £80,000 for the harvest festival.

Some viewers were less enthusiastic about the new direction, however.

“If I’d wanted to learn about bloody crop rotation I’d have put on the Archers,” insisted Evening Harold media correspondent Piers Waghorn. “Drugs, violence, sex – that’s what we want, not sodding bull semen. I can get that at home.”

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Filed under Farming, TV

Gaypril: village announces record participation in “Gay for a Day” charity event

original_4620877824-Gay-couple-holding-hands-Parliament-to-approve-gay-marriage

More fun than cycling the Nile to raise money for hang nail awareness like last year

What started as a drunken bet among a few completely straight friends five years ago has snowballed into the largest “just- having-a-laugh” gay sex event in the Dunstable area, but it doesn’t mean anything because it’s for a good cause.

April 1st has a pink ring around it on the calendar now, as thousands of red-blooded men and women kiss, fondle and finger members of their own sex to raise awareness for I Am What I Am the local charity that campaigns for acceptance and equality for LGBT communities, even though they’re straight as a die and totally not into that sort of thing. Continue reading

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“I thought deficit was supposed to go up” admits Osborne

George-Osborne UP

This time I’ve cracked it!

Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.

“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”

“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, idiots

Trump criticised for abrupt termination of abortion policy

donald trump condom

At last, protection

Donald Trump has been heavily criticised by hard-line Republicans for performing an early termination of his abortion policy today.

Trump’s latest indiscretion, in which he proposed that women having abortions should be punished, came out of the blue and was seen by many close friends and family as deeply embarrassing.

The policy, which was unplanned, is believed to have been the result of a one-night drop in the polls which Trump would rather put behind him.

“It’s my policy and I should be allowed to do what I want with it,” he insisted. “I won’t have a bunch of journalists who aren’t even politicians telling me what to do with my decision-making apparatus.”

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Filed under idiots, International News, Politics

Hijacker photo man in ‘reckless’ Trump campaign team selfie

trump innes

Could explode at any moment

The man who posed for a picture with a hijacker has been criticised for his latest dangerous stunt – getting a selfie only metres away from Donald Trump’s campaign team.

The original image of Ben Innes grinning next to his captor on the Egyptair flight went viral on social media, leading Innes to seek “even more risky challenges”, he told journalists.

Innes reportedly travelled to Wisconsin, where the Republican candidates are campaigning ahead of next Tuesday’s primary, and took advantage of a lull in the vitriol to leap in front of Donald Trump’s team and take a selfie.

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Filed under Holidays, News, Social media

‘Mealy mouthed’ Brussels tweet guy to be beheaded

twat

Matthew Doyle (artist’s impression)

The government and Buckingham Palace have announced that in what is believed to be an historical first, capital punishment will be reinstated for a single day, solely so that the monumental tosser who boasted of “Confronting” a Muslim woman about Brussels can be beheaded, or perhaps face a firing squad.

Matthew Doyle, an illiterate partner at a south London-based talent and PR agency, tweeted yesterday: “I confronted a Muslim women [sic] yesterday in croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said “Nothing to do with me” a mealy mouthed reply.”

In a statement read out in parliament, Queen Elizabeth explained the reasons for this unprecedented move.

“Frankly, he’s an arsehole,” explained Her Majesty. “We mean, there are lots of arseholes out there, but this guy is just the most stupid, 500 carat gold-plated arsehole one has ever met.”

“Can I get a rifle too?”

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Filed under idiots, News, Social media

Food industry insists sugar counts towards your 5 a day

Fruit-Drinks

Apparently one of these once saw an apple

After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly,  claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.

Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.

However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.

Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:

“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”

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Filed under Children, Food, Health