Author Archives: rickw

by | January 15, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ridiculous comedy buffoon to stand against Al Murray’s Pub Landlord

pub_landlord_farage

Always good for a laugh

Comedian Nigel Farage will stand in his guise as “The UKIP Leader” against Al Murray’s “Pub Landlord” at the general election.

Mr Farage, whose hilarious character is based around a hatred for all things foreign, has formed the United Kingdom Independence Party.

He confirmed he would stand for election in Thanet South, in Kent.

He said: “It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, spouting mindless far-right bollocks instead of offering common sense solutions.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | January 14, 2015 · 11:00 am

Cameron to be replaced in debate by Cowardly Lion

Cameron-DebateThe Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz has stepped in to replace David Cameron in the televised election debates, it emerged today.

Although famously suffering from a chronic lack of courage, the Cowardly Lion still apparently has more balls than the current Prime Minister.

Senior Tories have praised the Lion’s courage in sparing Cameron the horror of debating against the terrifying Ed Miliband and Nigel Farage.

“This Lion deserves a medal,” proclaimed former Conservative Party chairman Norman Tebbit. Now all we need is a heart for Iain Duncan Smith and we’ll be on a winner. And a brain. And a clue.”

It seem that the Cowardly Lion may not be the only stand-in for the debates. Reports are coming in that Labour are considering replacing leader Miliband in the debates with an empty chair – not because he is is afraid to appear, but simply because it is thought the chair will be more charismatic.

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , ,

by | January 12, 2015 · 2:34 pm

Disappointment as Cadbury Creme Egg recipe now 84% human excrement

eggs

Could be worse. Could be a finger of fudge.

The American food giant that owns Cadbury’s is facing strong criticism for secretly rolling out a new cheaper Creme Egg, wherein nearly all the goodness of fresh milk chocolate has been replaced with less costly ingredients, specifically, human faeces.

Kraft Foods has replaced the hugely popular Cadbury’s Dairy Milk shell with one made from a crusty mix of dried excrement sourced from several countries, according to reports in the press.

A spokesman for Kraft told journalists “It’s no longer Dairy Milk. It’s similar, but not exactly Dairy Milk. To be brutally honest, there’s more shit. We have austerity too you know. Real chocolate costs money. ”

“We tested the new one with consumers. They were found to be foul-tasting and stinking of excrement, but we’ve given the new egg a firm thumbs-up.”

Fans of the ovoid chocolate treat – first launched 43 years ago- are angry with the change, with one saying: “I’m so disappointed – they’ve been my favourite snack for years. Now the chocolate tastes cheap, like chocolate liquors, only shittier. I’ll probably still buy them though.”

“Thank heavens there’s now only five in the pack, instead of six – that’s a hell of a relief for those of us who don’t like picking turds out of our teeth on a spring afternoon.”

After officials from the Department of Health asked Kraft for confirmation that the new “chocolate” eggs were fit for human consumption, the company issued a statement saying: “Just don’t ask what’s in the creamy bit…”

Comments Off on Disappointment as Cadbury Creme Egg recipe now 84% human excrement

Filed under DNA, Easter, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 12:30 pm

East Grinstead ‘totally out of bounds for non-Scientologists’ says Fox News

Steve_Emerson_3161482c

Anal terrorism is the worst, Fox News

An American “terrorism expert” on the right-wing Fox News channel has declared that the leafy Sussex town of East Grinstead is “a totally Scientologist” city “where non-Scientologists just simply don’t go”.

Steve Emerson made the claim, which may come as a surprise to the thousands of non-Scientologist residents of West Sussex’s fourteenth-largest town, during a television discussion about no-go zones in Europe where Scientologists are apparently in complete control.

“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual towns like East Grinstead that are totally Scientologist, where John Travolta and  Tom Cruise stalk the streets, beating up anyone who doesn’t look like them, dress like them or make increasingly desperate comeback movies,” he said. Continue reading →

Comments Off on East Grinstead ‘totally out of bounds for non-Scientologists’ says Fox News

Filed under Felching Bumsquats, Media, Politics

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | December 28, 2014 · 3:09 pm

Today is ‘Let’s remember the Daily Mail supported Hitler’ day!

rothermere

Daily Mail owner, left, with friend

It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.

The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Media, Nostalgia

Tagged as , , , ,

by | · 12:00 pm

Sudan famine victims ‘may not survive another night with no PlayStation Network’

sudan-famineDisaster relief experts have warned that the thousands of displaced famine victims in war-torn South Sudan ‘may not survive’ another night with no access to Sony’s PlayStation Network (PSN).

PSN is essential to access the extended capabilities of PlayStation games, such as online multiplayer modes and other network functions, but many people do not realise the main hardship facing video game fans in the stricken region.

“There are families who have lost everything to war and hunger,” explained Red Cross spokesman Barry Ping. “Basic essentials like Facebook and cable TV. For these people, keeping their children entertained while the relief effort is coordinated is proving very difficult.”

“Many of these families will have purchased a new PlayStation for Christmas, in the belief that it would keep everyone quiet for a bit. But tragically you can’t even start the thing up without network activation, which is impossible with PSN down. I’ve seen whole villages literally devastated.”

“This has spoiled our whole post-Christmas famine experience,” complained refugee and mother of four Talia Nafisa. “We were all set to fire up the new PS4 and play FIFA 15 until the food parcels arrived, and we can’t even log on. I think we should be compensated.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Sudan famine victims ‘may not survive another night with no PlayStation Network’

Filed under Christmas, International News

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | December 27, 2014 · 12:22 pm

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter to get shared custody of Johnny Depp

tim-burton-helena-bonham-carter-split

Double Christmas presents for Johnny!

Following the news of the separation of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, a family court ruled this morning that the pair will be granted shared custody of Johnny Depp.

According to court insiders, the custody hearing was a simple formality, with a standard shared care routine being established, where Depp will spend spend weekends with Burton drawing spirals moodily in the snow with a severed bone, and weekdays screaming maniacally in a padded room with Bonham Carter.
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Culture, Troubled Families

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | December 3, 2014 · 12:06 pm

DNA test brings surprising new theory of Richard III’s appearance

jameshewittrichardIII

Artist’s impression of how King Richard III might have looked

Analysis of DNA from Richard III has allowed researchers to establish with greater confidence than ever what the Plantagenet king actually looked like, it was revealed today.

Far from being the hunchbacked dark-haired figure of legend, it is now believed that the King in fact had “reddy-brown” hair, and walked with the upright gait typical of, say, a  household cavalry officer in the British Army.

“Richard III has traditionally been seen as this evil stooped man who would imprison Princes in the Tower of London,” explained one researcher, “But our testing indicates that he would be far more likely to have  attended the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst, been commissioned into the Life Guards as a second lieutenant and eventually to have been promoted to captain. After serving as a tank commander in the Gulf he probably retired from the British Army and opened a golf driving range, that sort of thing.”

When asked if there were any implications for the current Royal Family’s claim to the throne or the order of succession, the researcher coughed slightly and muttered something that sounded like: “Well, they might have to skip one”.

 

 

Comments Off on DNA test brings surprising new theory of Richard III’s appearance

Filed under Royals, Troubled Families

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

‘No regrets’ insists man who bought camel on Black Friday

blackfriday

Hello, can I interest you in a bargain?

A man who got carried away in Black Friday’s shopping frenzy and ended up buying a camel has insisted he does not regret his unplanned purchase.

Project Manager Norman Mellor, from the village of Harold, set out for the midnight sales in nearby Dunstable intending to snag a 46″ Faptronic LCD TV with 3D and soundboard, but was disappointed to find out that everyone else had the same idea, and there were no televisions left.

“I admit to being a bit caught up in the moment,” conceded Mellor, “There were bargains everywhere and I was desperate to get a good deal. I toyed with a Dyson, but we’ve already got four and I couldn’t really justify it. Then I saw the camel.”

Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Lifestyle, Pets

Tagged as , , ,

by | November 27, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Vinyl record sales hit 18-year high of ‘two’

oasis

The boy’s mother, at press conference explaining mistake

More than one vinyl record has been sold in the UK so far this year – the first time the milestone has been achieved since 1996.

The figure marks a largely unexpected resurgence in an industry now considered to be dominated by digital.

Earlier this month, Pink Floyd’s The Endless River became the fastest-selling, and indeed only, vinyl release since 1997, with combined total sales of one unit.

The unexpected rise in sales to two – a 100% increase – was at first thought to be due to the amusing retro stylings of hipsters, but turned out to be merely a confused parent buying an Oasis album.

The Official Chart Company told the Evening Harold that if sales continue to increase at the current rate it will soon consider launching a “Top Three” chart.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Vinyl record sales hit 18-year high of ‘two’

Filed under music

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | November 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Shamed taxi driver admits talking to David Mellor

DavidMellor

“See? Everyone likes me.”

London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.

Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.

In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.

Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Shamed taxi driver admits talking to David Mellor

Filed under Nostalgia, Sex, Sport

Tagged as , , ,

by | November 24, 2014 · 12:25 pm

Village’s ‘Christmas World of Poo’ attraction closes after ten minutes

world_of_poo

The smell of Christmas

A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.

Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.

The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.

“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.

“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Village’s ‘Christmas World of Poo’ attraction closes after ten minutes

Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Culture, Lifestyle

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 21, 2014 · 11:10 am

Julien Blanc to train with Sheffield United

blanc

So proud

Only hours after backtracking on their decision to welcome Ched Evans back to the club, Sheffield United have caused more controversy by announcing that despised ‘pick-up artist’ Julien Blanc will begin training with them on Monday.

Blanc has been struggling with fitness after legal difficulties prevented him from being loathsome in several countries, and the Sheffield club are believed to have offered him facilities to practise choking, grabbing and being an arsehole.

“We’re enormously proud,” explained manager Nigel Clough. “We feel that just because he’s a revolting piece of slime, he shouldn’t be prevented from making a living.”

“We might have been a bit naive with the whole Ched Evans thing, but who could possibly have thought that anyone would be unhappy about us welcoming back a rapist? It’s a funny old world.”

“Anyway, this time we really think we’ve got it right – surely no-one can complain about Julien Blanc.”

Comments Off on Julien Blanc to train with Sheffield United

Filed under Sport

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 20, 2014 · 11:30 am

Being beheaded ‘will not silence Prince Charles’

prince_charles

The fruit plate

The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.

Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.

“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Being beheaded ‘will not silence Prince Charles’

Filed under Royals, Troubled Families

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | November 19, 2014 · 7:00 am

Hotel hiding from bad publicity is the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL

BROADWAY_HOTEL_BLACKPOOL

That’s the one!!!

The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.

The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.

The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”

The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.

Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.

“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.

“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.

The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.

Comments Off on Hotel hiding from bad publicity is the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL

Filed under Health, Travel

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | November 7, 2014 · 2:52 pm

Dallas reboot to run ‘Who shot Osama?’ storyline

JR-Bin-Laden

You can’t all have bloody shot me!

Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.

Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.

Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.

Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.

Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.

The suspects will include:

  • Sue Ellen Bin Laden – Osama’s wife, who Osama had threatened to institutionalize for her alcoholism and secret love of IKEA products;
  • Kristin – Osama’s mistress and Sue Ellen’s sister. Osama broke his promise to marry her and gave her 24 hours to leave town;
  • US Navy Seal Robert ‘Dusty’ O’Neill – reported on television to have died in a plane crash which caused ex-lover and recovering alcoholic Sue Ellen to reach for the bottle the night Osama was shot;
  • US Special Forces operative Matt ‘Bobby’ Bissonnette – Osama’s mild-mannered brother, fed up with Osama’s handling of international jihad and slights to Bobby’s wife. Will return unexpectedly in season two, in a shower;
  • Cliff Barnes –  Osama’s brother-in-law (through his sister’s marriage to Bobby) and business rival: His father Digger Barnes was swindled by Osama’s father Jock Bin Laden out of his half of their combined oil company;
  • ‘Hissing Sid’ – fictional snake and villain of 1980 hit single “Captain Beaky” – not entirely clear how this character will fit into the main storyline;
  • ‘Tony’ Blair – non-fictional snake and villain of 2003 hit single “Captain War Criminal” – obvious bad guy, stereotypical pantomime evil character, unpopular.

Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.

Comments Off on Dallas reboot to run ‘Who shot Osama?’ storyline

Filed under Entertainment, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

Daily Mail talking bollocks again

dailymail

The Daily Bollocks

The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.

In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.

Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Daily Mail talking bollocks again

Filed under Media, News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | November 4, 2014 · 7:00 am

Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Filed under Politics, Social media

Tagged as , , ,

by | November 3, 2014 · 7:04 am

Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

gaal

Er, hoots mon?

Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.

“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”

“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

Filed under Sport

Tagged as , , , ,

by | October 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

George R R Martin announces he’ll write entire next Game of Thrones book in National Novel Writing Month

George_R_R_Martin

Let’s see, “Chapter One”

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin announced today that the long-awaited next novel in the series will be available much earlier than anticipated, as he is going to write the whole thing during National Novel Writing Month this November.

This marks something of a change in writing style for Martin, given that he usually takes up to ten years to complete a novel.

When asked to explain his reasons for upping the pace so dramatically, Martin confessed that after several years of pretending, he has still not actually written a word of the next book, and sees ‘NaNoWriMo’ as his last chance.

“I can’t cope with all the lies anymore,” he confessed. “I’ve been doing all these interviews saying how well it’s going and let me finish at my own pace – haven’t written a bloody word. This novel writing month gives me a chance to catch up. Big month, bang it out, bish bash bosh.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on George R R Martin announces he’ll write entire next Game of Thrones book in National Novel Writing Month

Filed under Culture

Tagged as , , ,