He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes
Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.
“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and those weird Continue reading
He’s the hero we deserve
Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
“a face built for a wicker man”
Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.
The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.
We’re not making this shit up, Continue reading
The crowd makes their displeasure known
An advertised burning of a Catholic terrorist turned ugly when it dawned on the crowd it wasn’t Tony Blair being burnt.
An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
Pretty straight to the heart
Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.
“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.
“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”
“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”
“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”
When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.
“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”
‘The WMD was THIS big’
Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.
Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.
After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading
Happy happy joy joy
The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.
The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug. Continue reading
“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks” – Arthur Miller
Avaricious shadow demon in an ex-Prime Minister costume, Tony Blair, is confidently expected to be found dead in some woods near one of his many homes on 5th July now that the Chilcot Report is being published on the 6th.
Blair, aka The Man Who Warred Too Much, will for the first time in a long time do the decent thing rather than attend a trial for war crimes at the Hague provisionally booked in for the 7th. Continue reading
We’d pay to make it stop
Fears are growing that Tony Blair will do anything for money after if was revealed that he now performs nightly belly-dances for Saudi royalty.
Blair is known to have a wide range of opaque business interests, but it was never suspected just how far the former Prime Minister would go for cash until details of his fleshy writhing leaked out.
The Middle-East envoy role held by Blair included a certain degree of consultation over business affairs, but many are shocked to see him stripping nearly naked and wriggling lasciviously for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family.
A spokesman for Blair admitted that exotic dancing had happened, but denied that it was in any way inappropriate.
“It’s not like he’s advising savage dictators in Kazakhstan,” he pointed out.
“That was last week.”
Filed under Business, Smug
He is never, ever, going to go away especially not to the Hague
Friend to dictators everywhere and queen of people’s hearts, Tony Blair, has claimed that he is baffled by the success of Jeremy Corbyn and Bernie Sanders.
“It makes no sense to me,” said the perma-tanned god botherer. “Neither of them are in politics to make as much money for themselves as they can and neither of them have a grasping wife who fills her boots to the very brim too. I mean, come on, what’s the point if you’re not out for everything you can get?” He went on to criticise Corbyn’s policies. “Free tuition fees: well, that’s great, but someone’s going to have pay for it. An end to war, but there are wars. Mainly because I start them.” Continue reading
Blimey, the White Witch has let herself go
Millions of viewers have been enchanted by the BBC’s latest costume drama spectacular this time based on a book most people have read and not one they’re pretending to have as is the case with War and Peace.
The sumptuous adaptation of C.S Lewis’ classic tale tells the story of a small boy called Sir John Chilcot who wanders into a strange land held in the grip of winter by a powerful and deluded ruler who wouldn’t know the truth if it sat on their face and wiggled. Continue reading
“Am I a war criminal? Perhaps I’ll never know.”
Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.
At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.
“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading
Time magazine has announced Tony Blair has come 7,399,999,998th in its ‘Person of the Year’ award, just ahead of Katie Hopkins and Bill Cosby.
Mr Blair is said to be ‘delighted’ to have climbed two places since last year.
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has been embarrassed by the discovery of a fully-functional set of thumbscrews in his hand luggage for a flight to the US, it emerged today.
Already facing criticism for his role in enabling the torture of British citizens in Guantanamo Bay, the discovery could not have come at a worse time for Blair.
It has recently been discovered that Blair and former Foreign Minister Jack Straw instructed our embassies to send British citizens to Guantanamo, even after knowing about US torture there.
These revelations have been damaging, but no-one expected Blair to be playing such an active role in the actual torturing.
Filed under News, Tony Blair
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
After two spectacular interventions into the Labour leadership race caused Jeremy Corbyn’s popularity to soar, companies are falling over themselves to get Tony Blair to badmouth their products.
Coca-Cola have been battling concerns its products are unhealthy, but as soon as foreign dictator consultant Blair described Coke as a ‘1980s throwback sugar-laden pile of piss’, sales exploded. Likewise, McDonald’s had queues stretching out the door after the monger of wars said its food was ‘plastic, inauthentic, and caused face cancer’. Banks lined up to have Blair call them ‘greedy, heartless, blood-sucking leeches on society’.
Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Hopes of an imminent release of Sir John Chilcot’s Gulf War enquiry were dashed today, after it emerged that Chilcot has been mistakenly examining the causes of the first Gulf War, not the second.
The first Gulf War ran from 1990-91, and started when Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. John Major was the British Prime minister when the anti-Iraq coalition started its bombing campaign, and there has never been any suggestion that this was anything other than a perfectly legal response to an act of aggression, and certainly not the sort of bloodthirsty murder that certain other Prime Ministers might get you into.
“Would these hands lie to you?”
Tony Blair warns that leadership contender Jeremy Corbyn has a huge arsenal of principles of mass destruction, and these could quickly be deployed to reduce the Labour Party to an organisation that listens to its members.
“People don’t realise how dangerous principles are in the wrong hands” explained foreign dictator consultant Blair. “Jeremy Corbyn could use them to make Labour unrecognisable inside an hour of becoming leader.”
The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.
The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.
“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading