An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
While there was the occasional grumble that Blair should’ve been hung, drawn, quartered, and only then burnt, the atmosphere was largely festive as villagers drank mead and danced as they waited for the Foreign Dictator Consultant to burn on this earth before he burnt in Hell.
The crowd didn’t suspect a thing as an expressionless man seemingly entirely made of straw was placed on the bonfire, so the shock was all the greater when Mayor Jackson shouted ‘let’s celebrate the burning of Guy Fawkes!’
Angry people demanded their 5 quid back, and grown men cried, as the assembled throng realised that not only would Blair not burn, the un-self-aware cockwomble would probably be back in the papers tomorrow lecturing them about Jeremy Corbyn or Brexit or something.
Harold shopkeeper Julie Kettle summed up the mood of the crowd over the disappointing Catholic terrorist burning.
“Guy Fawkes??? FFS, that was 410 years ago and all he did was ATTEMPT to blow up Parliament, when Tony Blair is ACTUALLY responsible for the death of thousands of our soldiers and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis.”
“If they don’t immolate Blair, then they need to refund our money, or at the very least burn someone else … say Nigel Farage” said Ms Kettle.
“Oh Farage isn’t Catholic? Well beggars can’t be choosers and all that.”