Stuck here. Gutted.
The estimated 20,000 Brits who are stranded in Sharm el-Sheikh are doing their best to sound like they are not happy about the situation.
When interviewed for news reports tourists are muttering about ‘poor information’ and ‘not really knowing what’s going on’ while edging away, keen to get back to the bar of their all-inclusive resort before a queue forms. Continue reading
Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
The cheap flights make it all worth while.
Harold’s very own armchair globe trotter, Elsie Duggan, offers advice to tourists heading to Greece. Just because she hasn’t been somewhere, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an opinion.
I’ve read that people in Greece are suffering real hardship. Can you catch poverty from touching a foreigner? C Clarkson, Harold
Elsie replies: I don’t doubt it. I knew someone once who touched a Hungarian by accident, and now they live in a skip. Take some wet wipes, and remember to rub yourself down with some money.
There have been reports that shops are running out of some essentials. Will I still be able to buy chips? D Evans, Harold
Elsie replies: Bloody soggy things they’ll be no doubt, and not enough of them. And do you know what they have on them? Not gravy or ketchup like nice people. Crab spit. Maureen told me that, she said she read it in the paper.
Eco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.
With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.
“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018”, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.
“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
2013: The classic point-with-the-left-wife-on-the-right combination
2014: Mixing it up with a right-hand point and left-hand wife
As the temperature rises and thoughts turn to holidays there is just one question on everyone’s lips: while posing for a chillaxed photo in Cornwall or Ibiza this year, will Dave point at a fish with his left hand or with his right?
“I can’t sleep, I’m so excited,” said Harold Mayor, Rufus D Jackson. “Left or right? Samantha looking bored as hell or Samantha looking disconcertingly submissive? I have to know.” Continue reading
Children spend a useful hour learning how to put on jumpers.
A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.
Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.
“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”
“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’
Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity
Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish. Continue reading
Jellyfish: apparently the top 1% own more of the sea than the other 99% combined.
The jellyfish who yesterday stung David Cameron as he swam off Arrieta beach in Lanzarote has denied intentionally upsetting him. Continue reading
The Dizzy Heights Hotel
Overseas tourist officials they are baffled by Benidorm Bungee, a syndrome which has caused an increasing number of young holidaymakers to plunge to their death from hotel balconies for no apparent reason.
The syndrome, named after the resort where it first occurred, only seems to affect British tourists, striking them down in the early hours of the morning without warning. Most of its victims are young with no previous balance or health issues.
Stacey Briggs, 21, lost Darren, her boyfriend of two days, to an attack of Benidorm Bungee whilst on holiday in Magaluf in June. “We’d just got back to my hotel room after ending up at that El Tequila Slammer Bar. As I was chucking up, Darren said he would get some air on the balcony and, then, he was gone. It was all so sudden. He didn’t even say goodbye.” Continue reading
From the outset the décor felt ‘clinical’
With health tourism on the increase and the NHS being asked to charge more for it’s holiday services, we decided to take a weekend city break at the Luton and Dunstable University Hospital to review the amenities of this growing holiday sector.
Arriving at the hospital on a Friday evening, the first thing that we noticed is the large amounts of Brits that were very drunk and had clearly been fighting. Although we were located between Luton and Dunstable, this could have been any Spanish resort favoured by package holiday travel agents.
The receptionist seemed to be over-worked when we finally reached her desk. We were tenth in line when we joined the end of it, however we did notice the typical holiday problem of other being unable to queue. It seems that at this location arriving in an ambulance gives you priority checking in and saves you a four hour wait. Had it said this in the brochure, we may have opted for the ‘car crash’ option.
A travel agent in Harold has left customers confused by their new approach to customer services, killing the quiet moments by asking inane questions.
‘The Salon Method’ as it has become known was started by Sally Bun, manager of Harold Travel. “During a recent wash and colour, my hairdresser asked me about my holiday” she explained.
“I told her I was going to Spain. This was the cue for her to spend the next half an hour telling me about how she had been to the same resort. She went there with her best friend and came back with Chlamydia. It was a great way to fill the awkward silence.”
All fixed now…Hague rides the popular petrol flume
Just 12 short years after the invasion of Afghanistan, William Hague has announced that the country is now ‘safe enough to take a nice, restful holiday in’.
With power being handed over to the Taliban in a traditional NATO ‘Washing of the Hands’ ceremony, Hague revealed that the first Kabul Butlins will open in a fortnight.
“It’s an all-inclusive resort, although that doesn’t include women”, revealed Hague. “You have to make some concessions to local brutal beliefs.”
Few would have thought that when the country was first bombed back to the stone age that it would claw its way up to a medieval state quite so quickly. But Hague insists Kabul itself is now ‘fewer than 100 years behind resorts such as Guantanamo, Somalia or Rhyl’.
Still in control, at 30,000 feet
Councillor Ron Ronsson has been widely criticised for going on holiday, despite his house being ablaze for several hours before he left.
Ronsson is no stranger to dealing with emergencies, and has the people at Lastminute.com on speed-dial. But some in the council have claimed that looking for a reasonable deal in the sun should always play second-fiddle to calling the emergency services.
“I’m still in charge”, claimed Ronsson, on a note found in his drive way. “’All-inclusive’ doesn’t mean we’ve suddenly become a commune.”
Filed under News, Politics