Tag Archives: Facebook
Brian ‘Bobby’ Renfrew, 46, was hired last Thursday, and spent several days at his desk at Facebook HQ before it was realised that he was actually a cardboard cutout of Tom Hiddleston.
“It’s an easy mistake to make,” insisted a spokesperson. “We have a problem with fake news. We wanted to regulate it, but instead of getting a REAL fake news regulator, what we got was a FAKE real news regulator.”
“See what I mean? It’s a knotty one.”
“And I can’t really see anywhere else this joke could go from here,” he explained, his voice tailing off sadly.
There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.
The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.
The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.
But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.
A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.
“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.
“But that was because he really is a cunt.”
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.
Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading
As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.
“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”
“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading
Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.
McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.
“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”
Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid.
“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.” Continue reading
After #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading
Computer gaming enthusiasts have spoken of their excitement that the new Virtual Reality headset ‘Oculus Rift’ could bring an enhanced virtual world where life is better than reality, largely because it could be a world where Facebook never existed.
“Just imagine it,” purred Call of Duty champion Darren Wheatley. “A world of infinite scope, where physical boundaries mean nothing and the impossible is everyday. And there are no sodding Candy Crush invites.”
Virtual Reality has been the elusive holy grail of human/machine interface design since the very first computers, when scientists were only dimly aware that there would one day be an endless dirge of witless memes and boring ex-colleagues to escape from.
“I’ve tried it, and it’s a life-changer,” insisted Elder Scrolls expert Mark Rogers. “It’s a cliche, but you’re really there. And you know what’s not there? Effing Facebook.”
One factor which may however be a slight cloud on the horizon is the fact that the company behind Oculus Rift has actually just been bought by Facebook, which introduces the slight possibility that everything will quickly get bollocksed up beyond belief.
Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg was characteristically upbeat about the purchase, dismissing concerns that his giant slimy octopus of a company is certain to drag all hopes and dreams into its slathering maw. Speaking to journalists this morning, he insisted:
“It’s going to be special. We have the finance to back this, and we really can make it work. A whole new world of online interaction will open up, this could be the start of a new universe of interpersonal engagement.”
“And in this new universe, there won’t be any fucking Facebook, how awesome is that? Sorry?”