Tag Archives: Facebook

Boris Johnson urges Facebook to ban fake news, whilst standing next to a bus

boris-johnson-busBoris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.

“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
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Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

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40 minute Facebook outage leaves society on brink of total collapse

This would make a great selfie

Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie

A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading

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Astonishment as Facebook posts don’t solve refugee crisis

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“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading

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National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’

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Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Facebook to pay all users a basic minimum wage

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Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading

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World finally gives up and starts debating the colour of a dress

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The world has officially thrown in the towel today with the threat of terrorism, corrupt politicians and a dodgy banking sector and decided to just concentrate on the colour of a dress.

Social media, which has been traditionally been a healthy mix of cats and memes with debate on the biggest issues facing us, pulled the plug on giving a shit any more as more and more users put their opinion on the precise shades used in a dress.
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‘Disappointment as ‘My Times’ Facebook post ‘just full of chips’

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Much too neatly arranged for our tastes. Still fish & chips though!

Local show-off Dave Evans expressed his disappointment in an app that summarised his year as a newspaper, when it turned out to be ‘just full of chips’.

‘I’d seen other ‘My Times’ posts, with pictures of people holding new babies or bragging about a new kitchen, so I immediately thought ‘who wouldn’t like to read about me?’ said Evans.

‘But when it trawled through my life, it summarised my year as a small pile of chips. Continue reading

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Doubts cast on villager’s Facebook bike ride

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Liar liar, or flyer, flyer? Either way, Billy’s pants would be on fire.

A 26-stone villager who claimed to have completed a 185 mile bike ride on Facebook has been accused of ‘peddling a lie’.

William ‘Billy’ McKean, 42, posted a map of his route, with stats showing a completion time of 3 hours, during which he burned an astonishing 27,950 calories.

“Normally, I believe everything I read on Facebook”, said Pippa Delaney. “But then it occurred to me that Billy works up a sweat just taking his trolley back in Tesco’s car park. And also, he doesn’t own a bike.”
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Disappointing friends still sharing Britain First posts

Sad poppy, slumped in despair, yesterday

Stupid friends you have on Facebook are persisting in sharing Britain First’s posts, despite it being obvious that the organisation is a bunch of Nazi fuckwits, it emerged today. The arrival of remembrance season has made your less intelligent acquaintances even more tiresome than usual, with many happy to share a photo of Hitler provided it has a poppy and a starving dog in the picture.

Hopes had been high that even the most disappointing of your friends would have realised by now that sharing these posts is the online equivalent of wearing your own faeces as a hat, but sadly the penny seems yet to drop.
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Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?

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“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”

The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.

“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading

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Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
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White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

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News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
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Facebook’s secret experiment finds friends’ negative posts make us feel better about ourselves

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Facebook has revealed it’s secret experiments on users’ news feeds failed to change their emotions and most people remained smug when reading about a their friends’ misfortunes.

The experiment was designed to see if users seeing negative posts from people on their friends list made them feel more negative themselves, however the opposite seems to be true.

“Seeing my friends post about their boring lives or family arguments always make me feel better about my own life,” one user told us.

“Sometimes it’s like watching an internet version of Jeremy Kyle right their on my phone or PC. You can’t help but feel better about yourself as you scroll through other people’s misery.”

“And a picture of their McDonald’s dinner with the hashtag #nomnom somehow makes my steak taste better.”

They also found that no matter how much they flooded timelines with posts that say what decade you are, what dinosaur you are, or what Cluedo murder you are most likely to commit, most people failed to have any emotional connection to them and generally ‘didn’t give a shit’.

“What we found is people who reply to the depressingly vague ‘why me 🙁 ‘posts with ‘what’s up babe’ ‘I’m here if you want to talk’ and ‘PM me’ aren’t concerned but just fancy a bit of a gossip,” Mark Zuckerberg explained.

“In fact the only time people felt a negative emotional reaction to a post it was quite a dramatic one with severe threats of violence increasing ten-fold when a user gets another bloody request to play Candy Crush Saga.”

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Hope fades for missing bee

iberianbee

Have you seen this bee?

Harold bee-fancier Chloe Ackroyd is considering suing her employers after they gave her a formal disciplinary warning yesterday. Ackroyd agrees that once again she’d arrived late for work on Saturday but says her boss refused to accept her genuine explanation as valid. 

“I’d popped into Dunstable Station to buy a skinny cappuccino and there was a rather tired bee on the platform,” she explained “I couldn’t leave it to be crushed so scooped it up in my cup.”  Continue reading

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World peace brought about by hashtag

CaptureAfter #bringbackourgirls being tweeted millions of times was such a success other world problems are now being solved by hashtags. Over 3 million tweets have been made with the #bringbackourgirls tag since the abduction of 200 schoolgirls in Nigeria, and this has showed Boko Haram that their conduct is not acceptable to a huge number of Facebook and Twitter users. Continue reading

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Oculus Rift: Gamers looking forward to Virtual World with no Facebook in it

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“I’m not wearing any makeup!”

Computer gaming enthusiasts have spoken of their excitement that the new Virtual Reality headset ‘Oculus Rift’ could bring an enhanced virtual world where life is better than reality, largely because it could be a world where Facebook never existed.

“Just imagine it,” purred Call of Duty champion Darren Wheatley. “A world of infinite scope, where physical boundaries mean nothing and the impossible is everyday. And there are no sodding Candy Crush invites.”

Virtual Reality has been the elusive holy grail of human/machine interface design since the very first computers, when scientists were only dimly aware that there would one day be an endless dirge of witless memes and boring ex-colleagues to escape from.

“I’ve tried it, and it’s a life-changer,” insisted Elder Scrolls expert Mark Rogers. “It’s a cliche, but you’re really there. And you know what’s not there? Effing Facebook.”

One factor which may however be a slight cloud on the horizon is the fact that the company behind Oculus Rift has actually just been bought by Facebook, which introduces the slight possibility that everything will quickly get bollocksed up beyond belief.

Facebook chief Mark Zuckerberg was characteristically upbeat about the purchase, dismissing concerns that his giant slimy octopus of a company is certain to drag all hopes and dreams into its slathering maw. Speaking to journalists this morning, he insisted:

“It’s going to be special. We have the finance to back this, and we really can make it work. A whole new world of online interaction will open up, this could be the start of a new universe of interpersonal engagement.”

“And in this new universe, there won’t be any fucking Facebook, how awesome is that? Sorry?”

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Latest neknomination tragedy sees old lady die after swallowing a horse

nomnom

Don’t ask why, don’t ask how: just watch and be outraged.

The Facebook drinking game neknomination has claimed another victim as an old lady died shortly after posting a video of herself swallowing a horse.

Mavis Watkins took part in the deadly game after being nominated by her grandson, and initially tried to outdo his effort by swallowing a fly. Seeming to not fully understand the rules she then repeatedly nominated herself to take part in ever more extreme challenges before eventually swallowing the horse that killed her. Continue reading

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Winter Olympics and smug Facebook posts about boycotting them begin

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Look how hard it is to boycott something that’s on at 5:00 am.

As the Winter Olympics are officially opened in Sochi this afternoon it heralds the start not just of days of thrilling winter sports but also of people posting smug Facebook updates about not watching them.

We asked one such poster why they felt the need to do this. “I want everyone to know that I’m really aware of gay rights and stuff,” replied Harold resident Jason Beesley. “Plus if I come across as sensitive maybe women will want to sleep with me.” Continue reading

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