Category Archives: Motoring

Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Transport

McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport

Man’s colleagues ‘not remotely interested’ in his new Golf GT

We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT

Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.

“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.

Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Motoring, News

Black cars ‘twice as likely to be beaten up by police’

You’re nicked!

A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.

In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.

“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.

“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”

“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”

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Filed under Motoring, News, Police

Two thousand drivers clocked at over 100 mph “were just trying to get away from Luton”

speeding

“You’d better send an ambulance, the driver looks as if he’s seen a ghost town”

Of the 2,010 motorists clocked by police at over 100mph in the last year, over 2,000 were on the M1 in Bedfordshire, scurrying away from Luton, with their accelerator pedals crushed into the carpet.

The highest speed recorded though was 156mph on the A1(M) in Cambridgeshire. The driver had unwittingly booked a weekend at a Premier Inn in Bedfordshire, unaware Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, Motoring, News, Police

Car-share unpopular with men of a certain age, study finds

carshare1

These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting

Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.

Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.

To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:

“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Transport, TV

‘Much loved’ missing car found 10 years later with skeleton inside

pool car

‘Does anyone mind if I borrow the pool car?’

A car that’s been missing for over 10 years has been found in a pond, with a dead man inside it.

The much-cherished car, a low mileage 1983 Buick Riviera with the desirable landau roof option, had belonged to an elderly man who went missing at around the same time.
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Filed under Motoring

Hamilton blames crash on road cars ‘being so much faster than F1’

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Lewis Hamilton has collided with a parked car in a conventional saloon, after being caught out by its ‘breath taking’ speed.

“Obviously, my company car is a hybrid, and if I go too fast I might run out of fuel or my tyres could go pop”, claimed Hamilton.

“So when I got behind the wheel of a normal vehicle, I think I got a bit giddy.”

Hamilton had been trying to keep a Mercedes behind him at the time of the crash, but was held up by a parked car travelling at roughly the same speed as a McLaren.
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Filed under Motoring, Sport

EPA discover Volkswagens fitted with ‘fireplaces and chimneys’.

firebox

The device could cause asthma, and feelings of Christmas.

The environmental Protection Agency has discovered that VW deliberately concealed that their cars have fireplaces capable burning coal and wood.

A technician made the discovery while trying to put the clock back an hour, and in desperation, opened the glovebox to look for the handbook.

“It looked as though someone had plastered over it”, said the agency’s Gordon Evans. “Perhaps in an attempt to make it seem more modern.”
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Filed under environment, Motoring

Rogue community “Fed up” with being blamed for everything at work

ArthurDaley

“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”

Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.

You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.

From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.

And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.

“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.

“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”

However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.

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Filed under Business, environment, Motoring, News

Teaching assistant overjoyed with new Ferrari

corsa rossa

Scuderia Corsa.

Single mum and classic car enthusiast Carly Jeffrey is delighted that she can now call her Vauxhall a Ferrari.

Carly has owned her Corsa for 6 years but has just legally rebadged it as an ultra-rare Ferrari 250GTO, after a surprise EU ruling on protected trademarks.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Carly “the Corsa’s a fine car – especially the 1.8 GSi with alloys and air-con as standard – but it’s always been my dream to own a £3M Italian supercar. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Motoring

BMWs recalled after hackers manage to activate indicators

beemer

Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.

BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.

Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.

Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.

“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
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Filed under Motoring, Technology

Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

McLaren F1 announces new AA sponsorship

button aa

The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”

The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”

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Filed under Motoring, News, Sport

Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked

fight

Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.

With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.

In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.

“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”

With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
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Filed under Entertainment, Motoring

First Waitrose service station will sell sparkling diesel with twist of jasmine

waitrose fuel

They’ll even fill your tyres with hot air.

With milk now cheaper than water in some supermarkets, and petrol also cheaper than water in all of them, Waitrose are hoping to inspire shoppers to treat themselves with fancier fuel.

Offering a range of sparkling diesels and EC-compliant fruit-scented petrols, the first Waitrose service station is already drawing a queue of discerning motorists.

“People take petrol for granted, now that you can buy a litre of ‘cooking unleaded’ for under a quid”, said Rupert Thomas, Marketing Director.

“But a hint of jasmine or jojoba oil from your tailpipe lets those behind you know that you favour a more select way of burning your money.”
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Filed under Business, Culture, Motoring

Clarkson in trouble over ketchup tweet

clarkson

He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying that.

Jeremy Clarkson became embroiled in yet more pointless anger yesterday after tweeting about putting ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

Professional distraction Clarkson caused outrage amongst opinionated breakfast fans, after tweeting “I am eating breakfast. It is a bacon sandwich. I have put tomato ketchup in it.”

“He really is a monster”, responded one self-titled meat-and-bread specialist. “It’s ‘red for sausage, brown for bacon’: that’s the law.”

“Tweeting about ketchup and bacon in this way is childish and provocative. Who knows how many idiots out there will now try and copy him?”
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Filed under Culture, Motoring, News

NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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Filed under Health, Motoring, News

Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading

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Local man shows environmental credentials by having sex in Smart car

There's room for your legs out the window dear

There’s room for your legs out the window dear

A Dunstable man’s strategy of showing his ‘green’ credentials by having sex in his electric Smart car has been so spectacularly successful that it has sparked a craze that is sweeping the UK.

Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.

“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”

Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Motoring